L.O.N.

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More than many recent seasons, little intrigue lies at the top of the NBA standings.  Some combo of the East’s Ceatles/Cavs/Magic and the West’s Lakers/Spurs will meet in the Finals.  Ok, we will be lenient and throw the Nuggets and Mavs in there as well.  So if all you care about is the results at the top, come back in time for the Playoffs.  But for the true NBA heads, it’s all about the journey.  Welcome to the trip guide for that journey, the 2009-2010 L.O.N. Season Preview, questions-style — word to A Tribe Called Quest, Common and Mos Def.

1)  What have you missed most about the NBA?  Is it hard to get excited about the NBA when you are not excited about your team?

Not when you have…

Ralph Lawler… Big Baby Davis jokes… Rajon Rondo roller skating jokes… J.R. Smith… LeBron James triple-doubles… check that, ALL triple-doubles… EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!! moments… beautiful lefty jump shots… Jeff Van Gundy… C-WEBB, GP AND AHMAD RASHAD!  Our main men…  T.J. Ford… Anthony Parker finally able to showcase his sick professionalism on a national stage as the new shooting guard for the Cleveland Cavs… Derrick Rose… The crazy number of lineup combos Dallas can throw out, the coach and statistical-based staff that can dream those combos up and an owner just crazy enough to support the whole process… THE BIRDMAN!!!…  Joe Dumars best signing of the off-season — bringing back Chucky Atkins so now we can rejoice when Mason shouts out: “CHUCKY-CHUCKY Atttttttttt-kins”… The pure excitement of Anthony Randolph’s spontaneity and on-the-court recklessness… The electricity sparked every time Jonny Flynn takes the floor…  Shaun Livingston…

2)  What is the L.O.N. Pre-Season Top 10 League Pass Ranking?

#1 — Denver — Basketball debauchery in the flesh — J.R. Smith is the human embodiment and Denver is the team embodiment.  While losing a bit of fun with the departure of Linas Kleiza, they gained a facilitator of debauchery in Ty Lawson.  With Chauncey Billups and Melo making sure things stay fun in the win column, the Nuggets are the best combination of winning and entertainment in the League today.

#2 — Oklahoma City –  As the evolution of Kevin Durant continues, we will be watching.

#3 — San Antonio — We are well known Spurs supporters and with Manu back in the mix and majorly hyped new pieces in Richard Jefferson, Antonio McDyess and DeJuan Blair, we gotta see what kind of team Pop can make out of these guys.  And how about those seemingly minor moves to fill out the bench?  We can see Keith Bogans and Theo Ratliff playing important roles in spurts this season.

#4 — Cleveland — We love Shaq.  We love LeBron.  But do we love Shaq and LeBron?  Time to find out.

#5 — Los Angeles Lakers — What?  Did we just say that?  Choosing to listen to Joel Meyers?  Well, at least they are a part of many national broadcasts.  We cannot help it.  This thing could explode and we want to be there when it does.  If all else fails, we have the Official Player Of L.O.N. to enjoy — Lamar Odom.

#6 — Golden State — A crazy coach leading a crazy cast of characters playing a crazy brand of basketball.  We love it.

#7 — Washington — We missed Gilbert last year and want to see him back at full strength.  But if there is no Gilbert, this team drops out of these rankings in a hurry.  If he can stay on the court, he becomes the centerpiece of a surprisingly deep roster.  This team can do some things.

#8 — Chicago — Derrick Rose.

#9 — Atlanta — We love J-Creezy and we are going to love finally seeing him in the Playoffs.  You might even be able to convince us that this team could theoretically move themselves up in the Eastern Conference hierarchy.  Okay, did the East just get really deep?  Deeper than the West?  Deeper than rap?  RAAAWWWWWWSE.

#10 — Phoenix — If no one else is on, give us the uptempo team every time.

3)  Will Shaq and LeBron dominate the entire world this season?  What hi-jinx will they get in to?

This is perhaps the most discussed subplot and acquisition of the off-season.  However, the aspect that has been under-reported, is what this could mean for pre-game lineup intro rituals.  Last year Shaq’s Suns and LeBrons’s Cavs both produced highly entertaining intros game after game.  Now what happens when these forces unite?  Paul and John creating magic or Paul and John wrecking their team?  Tune in early for Cavs games and you just may catch a glimpse of their on-the-court fate.

4)  Is LeBron going to leave Cleveland?

No idea.  It all depends on what he envisions as his ultimate goal.  Win title-upon-title at all costs?  He signs the veteran’s minimum in San Antonio, Orlando or Portland.  Win the titles without sacrificing contract money, and a side order of major market power?  He joins the Clip Joint and teams with Eric Gordon, Boom Dizzle and Blake Griffin.  Hopefully, maybe win and become the hometown hero while maximizing your NBA money?  Cavs, holmes.  Take over the world, literally, with Jay-Z?  Hello, Brooklyn (maybe) Nyets.  Maximize your marketing prowess AND flirt with that oh-so-alluring season triple-double average in the Basketball Mecca?  He gets that New York State Of Mind and heads the high octane D’Antoni Knicks.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?  Tune in next summer to find out.  Sorry in advance for all of the endless speculation between now and then.

5)  Will LeBron repeat his 2008-09 MVP campaign?  Can he keep improving at basketball?

He definitely can keep improving, and there is no reason to think he will not.  The MVP award is notoriously political and fickle, though, and there is no guarantee he will get the award even if he puts up the best numbers (which he will).  But as long as Steve Nash has more MVPs than LeBron, Kobe and Shaq (1 each) the award remains an absolute joke.

6)  Tell us about LeBron vs. Braylon.  If they both called you and lobbied for you to take their side, whom would you roll with?  Did LeBron secretly stage this whole thing to send Braylon out to scout NY ahead of time?

All we’ll say is this — you cannot spell Braylon without L.O.N.

Now for the Tech Guy’s (a noted Michigan alum) commentary on the situation:  “I would’ve punched his chump friend, too.  He’s probably an Ohio State fan.”

7)  Why does Shaq hate Kobe so much and does he still?

Well… because Kobe is Kobe.  Ha!  But seriously, they play nice in public, but we are pretty sure the hate, or at least animosity, tension, whatever you want to call it, still brews beneath the surface.  But even if it’s not hate, there is most certainly a competition when it comes to career titles.  With both having legit shots at that 5th ring this year, the rivalry is alive and well.  The NBA powers that be would absolutely love a Lakers/Cavs Finals pitting these two (oh, and some guy named LeBron) against each other.

8)  Did L.O.N. C.E.O. Shannon Booher get any training camp invites after dunking on and injuring L.O.N. Head of Sales, Bread Costello?

Unfortunately the Head of Sales used his diabolical influences to immediately confiscate and destroy the grainy home video of this occasion.  Without this key piece of evidence, GMs just weren’t willing to roll the dice on the self-described “poor man’s mix of Steve Blake and Larry Hughes.”

9)  Who will be the Rookie Of The Year?

Blake Griffin.  (Uh oh… the Clippers Curse struck 1 day before the season opened.  Griffin will miss around 6 weeks with a knee injury.  It’s a wide open R.O.Y. race, now).

The best rookie on a contender?

Ty Lawson.

The most invisible rookie?

Ricky Rubio.  Many tears have been shed in the L.O.N. offices over the Rubio Debacle.

Most likely to regret leaving school early?

Stephen Curry.  Even if breaks out of his J.J. Redick-like preseason performance/shooting slump, the mess of a team he ended up on will have him dreaming of Davidson.

Most likely to choke his coach or be a dark horse candidate for R.O.Y.?

Brandon Jennings.  He and Scott Skiles seem like a match made in hell, but if everything works out, he could push 40 minutes a game.  It is a sink or swim like Phelps situation.

10)  If Jim O’Brien deploys Indiana’s “White Out” lineup of Travis Diener, Mike Dunleavy, Jr., Troy Murphy, Tyler Hansbrough and Jeff Foster, will Larry Bird retire on the spot?

Yes, his legacy fulfilled, he will immediately throw his button-up into the crowd and calmly walk out of the arena.

11)  As good as he is, is Kevin Durant the next Allen Iverson?

First of all, is that supposed to be an insult?  A.I. is one of the greatest human beings to ever play the game of basketball.  Period.  End of discussion.  Given his size, he is also right up there in the “pound-for-pound” greatest to ever play discussion.  Second of all, given their vastly different body types and play styles, this question almost sounds like the result of an NBA Mad Lib book.  We will humor our reader, though, and break it down.

Despite different, and even opposing, strengths, there is no question both guys possess singular offensive talent — both can flat out score.  Iverson’s abilities come in such a unique package, though, that only one coach and team has been able to harness those abilities into a successful team structure.  It seems Durant fits a little better into the traditional team structure, although even he has already changed positions once (from shooting guard to small forward).  In addition, both guys’ teams suffered losing seasons in their first couple campaigns.  A.I. turned that around in year 4, and has generally stayed on the winning side of things ever since.  It remains to be seen if and when Durant can make that same turnaround.  Perhaps their biggest similarity is the debate of whether or not each improves his teammates on the court.  Despite his ridiculous individual talent, and high assist numbers, A.I. has been roundly criticized for not making his teammates better over his career.  In recent weeks, Kevin Durant has faced similar heat, in a debate centering around his adjusted plus-minus numbers.  This is an interesting similarity, but we stand on the side of things that says these numbers will reverse for KD.  Because he has shown a burning desire to improve each and every year and he is backed by an extremely competent GM, we think he is going to get better, his team is going to get better, and therefore his APM will get better.

So bottom line, are there subtle similarities between these two sublime stars?  Certainly.  Are the similarities strong enough to call KD “the next A.I.”?  A resounding no.  Enjoy each and every minute of these two guys on the court, though, as they truly display two vastly different methods to accomplish the same goal on the basketball court — score the ball.

12)  Who are the Mailroom Supervisor’s most missed/most anticipated H.O.N.nies?

Gilbert Arenas, Tayshaun Prince, Dwyane Wade, Amare Stoudemire and Baron Davis.  But Baron, she says, is on notice with that Kimbo Slice beard he’s rocking.

13)  Who got the best new tattoo in the off-season?

Let’s start with what we know.  DeShawn Stevenson really had a lot of time on his hands, adding an Abe Lincoln portrait surrounded by 5’s on his neck, a backwards Pittsburgh Pirates “P” and a Frankenstein-esque cracked forehead.  We cannot really support any of those.  We could maybe roll with Abe if he had not cheapened it with the 5’s.

Watching Birdman during the pre-season, it looks like he also went back to the ink lab this off-season to spend some of his new millions.  He was already nearly covered up, but it looks like he filled in a lot more color and added a blue bird in the same neck area as DeShawn’s Abe.

Michael Beasley is also confirmed as getting a new tat, but unfortunately he drew more attention for the potential drug paraphernalia in the picture.  Let’s stay focused on the tat though — pretty ridiculous.  We are not sure if the whole back is new, or just the “Supercool Beas” part, but either way… not good.  At least it will be covered up most of the time.

So we are not ready to hand out praise quite yet, as we need to get more info on this always developing story.

14)  Are there any uniform changes to talk about?

ESPN Page2’s Paul Lukas always breaks this down the best, so go there for full detail.  Really, that piece is awesome.  We could look at NBA uniforms, logos and patches all day.  And a link showing all 30 teams’ arena floor layouts?  Awesome juice.

Here are the highlights:

–What in the world is Charlotte thinking?  Their primary unis have gone from lovably bad to terribly horrific.  And hide the women and children from that NASCAR alternate.

–Memphis added a shimmery third alternate.  Looks like somebody found one of A.I.’s old Denver jerseys hanging around and threw a Memphis on it.

–Houston has created a new version of their previously ill ketchup and mustard joints as an alternate.  Love it.

–Thankfully, Philly is going back to their traditional Independence Day red, white and blue color scheme.

15)  Does anyone have faith in Joe Dumars anymore?

Yes — you (the Unpaid Intern), the Mailroom Supervisor, and about 3 of Dumars’ distant family.

16)  Do the Pistons have a chance this year?

A chance at…

…having the most guaranteed money coming off the bench?  Yes.
…benching the best point guard on the team to start Joe Dumars’ “guy”?  Yes.
…having a “Boulevard Of Broken Dreams” remix painting featuring their center committee of Ben Wallace, Kwame Brown and Chris Wilcox?  Yes.
…making the Playoffs?  Yes.
…winning the Title?  Yes… if they trade for Memo!  They still have not been the same since he left.

17)  Are they going to miss ‘Sheed?

No doubt.  He was the missing piece that put them over the top for their 2004 title.  Hopefully the fans remember and appreciate that contribution.  And if ya’ll thought ‘Sheed was inconsistent and lacked focus… hello, Charlie Villanueva!

18)  Will ‘Sheed make a huge difference in Boston?

That is up to him.  The Ceatles certainly could have used him LAST year, given KG’s knee problems.  If used properly this year, maybe he can help keep KG healthy for the stretch run.  If the other Ceatles stay healthy (big if), and ‘Sheed is hungry, he will be a beast of a missing piece for them.  We think that is exactly what will happen, since the other Celtic vets can create an environment of peer accountability that simply did not exist on last year’s splintered Detroit team.  Looks like a little bit more will be expected out of him straight from jump, as Big Baby apparently injured his thumb fighting a former college teammate!  Yeah, we said we missed Big Baby jokes, now let them flow!

19)  Can Lamar Odom, um, keep up with the Kardashians?

It is easy to point out the increasingly circus-like atmosphere surrounding the Lake Show.  Lamar marries Khloe Kardashian, Ron Artest brings his three-ring circus to town, Andrew Bynum continues to be mercurial at best, etc., etc.  But what if Lamar’s marriage centers him and brings out the best in him?  What if Ron Artest’s eccentricities lighten the mood and tension of a grueling 100 game season?  What if Andrew Bynum is able to fully spreadshis wings now that he is out from underneath Kareem’s shadow?  What if this is just the challenge Phil Jackson needs to get the most out of this squad?

Uhhhhh, no.  We see implosion.  No repeat.  Forget the shenanigans, they just plain got worse talent wise, on the court.

20)  And while we are in the gossip pages… L.O.N.’s resident Legal Counsel asks:  How will blind items factor into this season?

With all the highly publicized non-blind off-the-court drama over the past year (Dirk scammed by his girlfriend, Lamar and Khloe, Mike Beasley goes Amy Winehouse, E-City nudity allegations, Starbury and UStream, A.I.’s gambling blow ups), there has to be a treasure trove of this stuff out there.  Michael Jordan could have a tabloid dedicated solely to him that would challenge anything else out on the market!  As the sports world blurs more and more into the entertainment world, blind items and gossip in general will become a bigger and bigger part of the NBA.  And who is to say that is a bad thing?  It could fit under the old adage of “any publicity is good publicity.”

21)  He looked like he got it all working in the Playoffs last year — is this Melo’s year?

Did he get it all working in the Playoffs last year?  Sure he looked great in the first two series, but he disappeared a bit in their loss to the Lakers.  On top of that, there are already a lot of naysayers that do not think the Nuggets can match last year’s season.  So Melo still has a lot to prove, but we do think he will do it.  Maybe he can even swoop in and become one of those “it’s his turn” MVP winners.

22)  Will Darko come to life under Mike D’Antoni?  Say he will.

Okay, he will.

23)  Will Yi make China forget about Yao?

He will.

24)  Will Yao ever play again?

He will.

The answer to at least one of those last three questions was a lie.

25)  What do you think about this?  http://www.nba.com/enebea/

Global domination, baby.  The NBA, led by David Stern, has consistently been the best amongst the American sports leagues at spreading his brand worldwide.

26)  Carlos Boozer or Paul Millsap?

So the question is whiny Dookie or hard-working country boy?  Hard-working country boy all day ereday.  We are just mad Millsap could not get out of Utah with them matching the offer sheet he signed with Portland.

27)  Have we really seen the last of Starbury?

On an NBA court?  Yeah, looks like it.  On a social media site near you or plotting a Dr. Evil-style worldwide takeover in a boardroom somewhere?  No, sir.

28)  Who should have retired that did not?

Reggie Miller.

29)  Who is the worst person in the NBA?

Well, by extension… REGGIE MILLER!

30)  Who is the #1 fantasy basketball player?

In any and all formats — H2H, Roto, Keeper, whatever it is, LeBron James is your man.  Okay, maybe in an auction the price can get too high, but after last year’s 78% from the charity stripe, the man has no fantasy weakness.  And who is to say his stats cannot increase across the board?  His tendency towards elevating his game gives him the nod over CP3.

31)  What was the worst off-season move?

Based on early returns, we have to go with Portland’s signing of Andre Miller.  Maybe things will still come together as the season plays out, but as of right now it smacks of desperation salary cap spending.  Just save the space!  Use it in a trade, or in next year’s off-season!

32)  What is the worst contract in the League?

For contracts that carried over from last year, it is hard to see much good in Baron Davis’ and Elton Brand’s based on last year’s performance, but the absolute worst is Zach Randolph’s killer deal that will pay him $33 million over this year and next.  That is a major problem when no team with Randolph on it will ever win anything.  That is a literal and figurative elephant in the room.

For contracts signed over the summer, Cleveland signed Anderson Varejao to $50 million over 6 years!?!?!?!?!!  Wow.  That is way more than Birdman’s and more than Paul Millsap’s, just to name two comparable players.  It is well within the realm of possibility that LeBron and Shaq are not on the Cavs roster next season, leaving Varejao as their 2nd highest paid player behind Mo Williams.  Mo and Andy will not exactly recall great point guard/power forward tandems like Stocktontomalone or Payton/Kemp.  Players like Varejao come around the block.  Often.  Why lock yourself in to a monster deal like that?

33)  Greg Oden — fact or fiction?

Wow, you are really bringing out the tough ones now.  Uhhhh… facmaictionact?  He looked great in the pre-season, and we want him to succeed, but we along with everyone else, feel like the world will get it’s usual healthy serving of Ghostface Przybilla this season.  Sorry, Greg it is show and prove time.

34)  Which team could be a sleeper this year?

We do not think any team will sneak up into title contention (although we sorta talked ourselves into Atlanta and Washington having deep, deep sleeper status), but some sleeper playoff teams include:  the Clip Joint, OKC, and Milwaukee (if healthy, their defense and grind it out style will make them the team other teams hate to play against in regular season).

35)  What is the most boring team that no one should care about?

Whuuuuuuuut?  No such thing.  Every team has something awesome about it.

36)  How much would L.O.N. pay to have a Dirty Jerse Nyet come to their office Holiday Party?

Not $25k like the organization is asking, but to determine our actual price, we would need to know the answers to the following questions:

Is Devin Harris coming as himself, or a-alike Ludacris?  Will Rafer Alston resurrect the And-1 bus and bring all the And-1ers?  Is Courtney Lee bringing the rest of her hot friends?  Is Sean Williams bringing his, um, party favors?  Is Terrence Williams wearing the Sponge Bob pants and Barbie backpack?  Will Brook Lopez bring the comics and ice cream sundaes?  Damn, now that we think about it, that’s an eclectic bunch.  Maybe $25k is not so crazy after all.

37)  What will Rowan Jura Booher’s title be as the newest employee in the L.O.N. offices?

So far he is filling multiple roles such as L.O.N. Mascot, L.O.N. Freeloader and L.O.N. Official Burper.  We are going to let him try his hand at various tasks around the office and see what he likes best.

38)  I do not have a clever question, but please say something about Orlando.

Local boy traded to hometown team and rejuvenates them?  Chauncey Billups or Vince Carter?  A couple of problems with that comparison — Vinsanity is not quite a true hometown hero in Orlando like Smooth is in Denver and Orlando is nice and juvenated already.  They were in the Finals last year.  Vince comes to town facing major expectations, which has not always worked well with him.  The difference this year is he has a big time supporting cast.  Still, in order to be the hero he has to help them to a title and we do not think the Magic have it in them.

39)  So who will win the title?

Cavs over Spurs in 7.  LeBron gets #1 win and Shaq wins the race to 5.
As seen on SLAMOnline:

Okay, whoever you are out there, PUT THE BRANDAN WRIGHT VOODOO DOLL DOWN!!!… Eddie Jordan back in the hizzle… We really, really, really hope Delonte West is getting all the help and support he needs… FREE RASHAD MCCANTS!!!… Adding another overpowering personality to the roster WILL NOT help Mike Conley in Memphis.  And maybe the only thing that could ever help him at this point is reuniting him with Greg Oden… How is Chris Duhon still the starting point guard for the team that arguably needs a good point guard the most?…  There are new rims this year.  Who knew?…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Yao Ming — 28 points, 10 boards, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Money on the block with a J that hits/While Artest keep talkin’ this defense ish.  Why isn’t there a Houston Rockets Playoff song/Yao highlight reel that remakes the Clipse “Grindin‘” with the chorus as “Yao-Ming”?  The Rockets used another strong Game 1 performance from Yao to overcome an almost non-existent bench.  Welcome to the Playoffs, Lake Show.

Worst Of The Night:

The Kobsters.  Much of the post-game focus was Kobe’s sore throat/sore performance, but he actually did not play all that poorly.  The real problem?  Almost every other Laker had a bad game with maybe the exception of Trevor Ariza, but even he was not spectacular.  This ain’t Utah, fellas.

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 22 boards, 16 points, 3 blocks, 3 assists, 1 steal

But only 12 shots?  We don’t get it.  In the post-game interview, after his team tried its hardest to blow a 28-point lead, he even tried to reprimand his teammates, ala LeBron, in a supportive-yet-pissed kind of way.  But it was clearly a forced facade, as it soon became clear all he really had on his mind was announcing his wrestling name:  “Black Magic”.  Be yourself, Dwight!  We love you for it.

Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 14 points, 10 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals

From our viewpoint, Rondo has not quite been the same since the “throw Hinrich into the stands” incident.  It seemed like he dialed it back after that, losing some of the edge that helped him dominate the Playoffs to that point.  In the second half last night, though, it looked like maybe he flipped the switch back on.  We knew it was official when he tried to dunk on Dwight Howard.  That’s Defensive Player Of The Year Dwight Howard.  Howard just about got served up some of Grandma Rondo’s delicious homemade grits.

The King Is Crowned Of The Night:

In a landslide, LeBron James officially took down his first (of many?) MVP trophy, yesterday.  In true LeBron style, with his teammates in attendance, he accepted the award in a ceremony back at his high school, St. Vincent-St. Mary, in his hometown of Akron.  It was awesome that he actually admitted that he was happy to win the award, but our favorite part was definitely the Friday reference as he thanked his teammates:  “It’s gonna be like the both of ours but I’m a keep it at my house.”  The camera cuts to his teammates, who are mostly laughing, but straight crickets coming from Big Z and Varejao.  So they didn’t ship a version of Friday with Lithuanian and Portuguese subtitles?

Orlando’s Courtney Lee to possibly return for Game 3… Jadakiss is riding for the Nuggets… So, Boston in 7?  Last night’s Game 1 vs. Orlando was eerily similar to their Game 1 loss to Chi-town… Assuming the Cavs win the title, the “must have a Carolina player to win the title” theory will be back in effect.  Two words:  Jawad.  Williams…

Line Of The Night:

Stephon Marbury — 8 points, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 board

As if the Paul Peezy/K.G.-led Ceatles were not already fully backed by L.O.N., now they have an apparently motivated Starbury?  It is on now.  This is the final push they needed for us to fully back their Playoff campaign again this year.  Sorry, LeBron.  We will admit, however, the whole “3″ logo on his head is extremely awkward, at this point.

Starbury looked rusty for sure, but showed signs of his old self.  And while it is an easy joke to make, he legitimately looked like he was having problems with his shoes and/or footing.  Maybe he needs to at least step it up to the 34.99 Al Harrington Protege joints?

Worst Of The Night:

Chicago Bulls — 23 point loss (113-90) to the Wiz with President Obama court side

You are better than that, Chicago.  Word to Mark Jackson.  After meeting the President, who claims ya’ll as his favorite squad, and having him attend your game against the worst team in your conference?  Awful.  How awesome is the Obama part of this whole scenario, though?  Just imagine a L.O.N. logo with the Obama “O”, right now.  We like the direction of this administration already.

Beast Of The Night:

Al Horford — 22 boards, 21 points, 1 assist, 1 block

It has been a relatively quiet — or at least under the radar — season for Horford thus far.  After getting a lot of pub last year for being the dark horse R.O.Y. candidate, his understated game has slid into the shadows this year.  But not last night.  Although Miami’s position is far from the secure, this is a possible preview of the 4-5 first round playoff match up in the East.  It would be interesting to see if the Hawks’ team dynamic could out match the one Wade show in M-I-Yayo.

Distribution Center Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 20 assists, 9 points, 7 boards

A ridiculous night for Paul, but the real story was the Hornets completely blowing a 17-point lead with 4 minutes remaining, only to have Tyson Chandler make an amazing putback tip in the final seconds to secure the win.  There is some sort of mind-bending symmetry there, given the rescinded trade situation.  Don’t expect us to put it into words though.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Los Angeles Lakers — 79 points vs. the Denver Nuggets

Sorry, give us the words “bad”, “Kobe Bryant”, and “Denver, and we only can think of one thing.  Go ahead, Google those 3 phrases, we’re not the only ones.  Then we start thinking Michael Vick and Charles Grant and hypocrisy and all types of thoughts that will ruin our Friday night if we expound.  So just go ahead and contract the Lakers and everything will be solved.  Thanks.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Lamar Odom — 19 boards, 12 points, 1 assist

Not as impressive as usual, considering the Lakers shot 29%!!!!!  Wow.

Shaqtastically Shaquisite Of The Night:

Shaqtus — 45 points, 11 boards, 3 steals, 2 assists, 1 block

Fun.  Smiles.  Joy.  Keep getting your Shaq on, Shaq.  Keep it Shaqqy.  The world is a better place with a Shaq like this.

With a talented team, it seems too easy to run up regular season wins using the patented D’Antoni style.  Doesn’t it make more sense to rack up those wins, get homecourt advantage, and roll the dice in the Playoffs, despite the forced change in style?  In retrospect, it seems crazier and crazier that the Suns broke up the nucleus.  If it was financial based, that is a whole other topic, but if it was a purely basketball decision, it was purely idiotic.

???? Of The Night:

Raymond Felton — 26 points, 9 assists, 4 steals, 3 boards, 1 block

Tough.  Gritty.  A winner.  You might raise your eyebrows at the last descriptor, given his career record, but that’s how we would describe Felton.  Is he the best shooter in the world?  Not at all.  The best playmaker?  No way.  Is his game smooth or pleasing to the eye?  Definitely not.  But do you want him on your team, “in the trenches” as they say?  Every.  Single.  Day.

The Bobcats took down a tough road win in the town where Oscar Grant’s ghost lingers, longing for justice, but not without making it interesting.  With the score tied, shot clock turned off and G-State in the bonus, Stephen Jackson took the inbounds pass and was immediately fouled intentionally by Boris Diaw?!?!?!  Somehow, Larry Brown kept his composure as Captain Jack hit both free throws.  But Diaw made it look like all part of the master plan.  Felton drove, kicked to Raja Bell, who swung it to Diaw for 3… splash.  Charlotte threw the ensuing inbounds pass directly out-of-bounds and it was almost a wrap, but not before infamous ref Bennett Salvatore made it a little more interesting by first declaring the pass had been deflected, before completely reversing field, with no consultation, and saying it was not deflected.  Guess he wanted to make that reservation after all.  And this was after one of his ref buds made a similar reversal a few plays back!  Another wild one in the Bay.

What’s that buzz you hear?  It is Detroit talk radio going nuts: “Rip starts and we win! Blah blah Iverson blah blah blah”… Coincidence that Rajon Rondo produced 17 assists during Marbury’s first game with the team?… Larry Hughes drops 25 in his best game thus far as a Knick.  FREE LARRY HUGHES!!!!… Russell Westbrook or Avon Barksdale?… Pops Mensah-Bonsu.  Consider that a warning…  Kid Cudi or Heartbreak Drake?  Pick your side now.  The Revolution is not kind to bystanders…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Ayo, why none of the L.O.N.’s ever have an intro?

We’ve heard the outcries.  “No All-Star coverage from L.O.N.?  What’s the dealie, dunn?”  We know, we know.  But on Sunday evening, as the All-Star Game commenced, disaster struck.  Devin Harris and Chris Bridges AKA Ludacris, who are actually the same person, converged upon the same location at the same time, causing a space/time continuum rift which resulted in the complete destruction of the L.O.N. offices.  No staffers were injured, but equipment was lost.  We’re back, but to recover, we underwent the complete Hamiltonization Process, plus about 18 more mixtapes your boy Charles Hamilton has dropped.  So without further ado, we present L.O.N. — HamiL.tO.N.ized.  It’s Charles HamiL.tO.N.

Line Of The Night A.K.A. Toy Story Of The Night:

Sebastian Telfair — 30 points, 8 assists, 1 board, 1 steal

That’s a career night.

“Unfair, hell yeah, I’m lookin’/At Brooklyn, I’m Telfair”, Charles Hamilton, “Toy Story”, Crash Landed

Brooklyn Girls Of The Night AKA The L Word Of The Night AKA Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

LeBron James — 20 points, 9 boards, 9 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Just know this — Charles has already made the move from Cleveland to the Big Apple.  Although the proposed Brooklyn move for the Nets may be dead, the idea was fun while it lasted.  The Brooklyn girls (and boys) are the real losers, since The King is probably gonna be balling out in 2010 regardless of his destination.

Sonic The Hamilton Of The Night AKA Near Beast Of The Night:

Al Horford — 18 points, 18 boards, 4 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

This is what happens when the opposing team has a 2 guard (Spencer Hawes) masquerading as a center.

Crash Landed Of The Night AKA Contraction Club Of The Night:

T-Dot-O — 76 points vs. Cleveland

Jay Triano:  “Shawn — you are supposed to help YOUR team’s offense, and defend the OTHER guys.”  Shawn:  “Oh, really?  Thought it was reversed in Canada.  You know, how the toilet spins the other way in Australia?”

The Raptors do like Charles said, and Stay On Their Level, in Shawn Marion’s debut.

Well Isn’t This Awkward Of The Night:

Welcome back, Tyson.  After failing his physical due to an old toe injury, the trade that would have sent Mr. Chandler to OKC to team with Kevin Durant and the boys was rescinded.  Ironically, OKC’s team doctor that made this ruling, was the same guy that originally performed the surgery on Chandler’s toe.  He hasn’t played recently due to an ankle injury, but if he can come back from that this season, the Hornets can still do some damage.  The seemingly unstoppable Chris Paul to Chandler oop combo is back in full effizzect.

Tyson had this to say, speaking to reporters in the Crescent City:

“Hated or not I am great and I’m about to get/Greater, hit the pager (Peja) like I play with Stojakovic”  (Charles Hamilton, “Brooklyn Girls”, Crash Landed)

Then he proceeded, staring directly at owner George Shinn as the word “traitor” dropped from his lips:

“Baby girl I’m ballin’/Kinda like the Lakers/If you a traitor like Shaq then see ya later, player” (Charles Hamilton, “Brooklyn Girls”, Crash Landed)

Not-So-Pleasant Overthinking Of The Night:

Amar’e Stoudemire — 42 points, 11 boards, 1 assist

Steve Kerr:  “Ok, guys, check this out.  Now that I have Matt Barnes and J-Rich who ran together in Nellieville to team with Steve Nash who won 2 M.V.P.’s in an uptempo system and Amar’e Stoudemire who rose to prominence in said system and has never known of defense, let’s slow it down and go hard on D.”  [Silence and the pall of death descend upon the Phoenix metropolitan area]

My Brain Is Alive Of The Night:

Steve Kerr:  “Ok, I think I figured it out, guys.  Now that I have Matt Barnes and J-Rich who ran together in Nellieville to team with Steve Nash who won 2 M.V.P.’s in an uptempo system and Amar’e Stoudemire who rose to prominence in said system and has never known of defense, I think we should just keep running.  It probably fits our personnel the best, even with the addition of Shaq.”  PHX 140, LAC 100.  PHX 142, LAC 119.

truth kills opposition (Love TKO) Of The Night:

“Sonic, my team is where the good Shawn Kemp is”, Charles Hamilton, “truth kills opposition (Love TKO)”, My Brain Is Alive

Damn, remember when it all made sense?  Back when Seattle had a team?  Now we got a another non-plural team with a jibbing an jiving bison mascot that can’t dunk?  That’s a love TKO.

Every D-Wade Ex-Girlfriend’s Worse Nightmare Of The Night:

This is on some straight personal life gossip type ish that we probably shouldn’t even be talking about, but damn, it fit the theme way too well.  Check track #10 titled Siohvaughn:  During their divorce proceedings, D-Wade’s wife first accused him of giving her a STD that he had supposedly contracted during an extra-marital affair.  Now that accusation has been retracted, and D-Wade is counter suing for defamation.  Based on this MVP-level output, he’s for sure on some ol’ “the court is my sanctuary” type ish with all this off-court drama swirling.

The Death Of The Mixtape Rapper Of The Night AKA The Death Of The Braided Baller Of The Night:

Like K.G. said (and Chris Rock originally, then Jay, don’t act like we don’t know), first the Fat Boys break up, then Allen Iverson cuts his hair, now Ben Wallace!  Now that ‘Froed Ben Pistons bobblehead’s value is about to shoot through the roof.  On top of the hair cut, Big Ben experienced another cut, requiring 14 stitches after crashing his arm through a car window while playing street football.  He had this to say:

“The window didn’t bleed. I don’t think it was made to bleed. That (he didn’t make the catch) was the biggest disappointment,” Wallace said. “I dropped the ball. That’s good D.”

AND the Clippers cut Cheikh Samb — another braider.

Staff Development Of The Night:

It is trading season and even though Chris Wilcox and Joe Smith remain in Oklahoma, some deals did go down:

Lakers get:

A conditional 2nd Round 2013 pick

Memphis gets:

Chris Mihm
Cash Considerations

Just before hanging up the phone, Mitch Kupchak said to Chris Wallace, “Now we’re all square on that Pau Gasol rape last year, right?”

Chicago gets:

Brad Mizzle
John Salmons

Sacramento gets:

Ike Diogu
Drew Gooden
Andres Nocioni

Portland gets:

Michael Ruffin

So Chicago traded some mediocre guys for some different but still mediocre guys and the accountants in Portland and Sacramento are apparently happier.  Moving on.

Intervention Of The Night:

When Zach Randolph “shoved” (we say punched) Louis Amundson Tuesday night, it seemed like simply another knucklehead move from a career knucklehead.  He is a Spartan, after all.  But hey, Zach defended his actions because Louis “almost kissed me in my mouth”, so all is forgiven, right?  Well, maybe not, but like Guru said, “Actions have reactions, don’t be quick to judge/You may not know the hardships people don’t speak of”.  Never have these words been truer, as upon hearing about his 2-game suspension, Randolph immediately left for Indianapolis to be with his ailing father.  Hold your head, Z-Bo.

Injuries Of The Night AKA Outside Looking Of The Night:

It seemed like guys were dropping like flies on Wednesday.  T-Mac announced his season will be lost to the dreaded microfracture procedure, Danny Granger played only 10 minutes against the Bobcats before hearing (and probably feeling) a “pop” in his foot, and Philly felt the injury bug too with Dre Miller succumbing to a calf injury.  But have no fear, Brian Scalabrine should be back in green Thursday night.

Wishbones, Horseshoes, and Basketball AKA NBA-Tinged Lyrics Of The Night:

“And I am the mic(Mike), ya’ll some Pippen mo’erfuckas”, “Supersonic’s First Freestyle”, Death Of The Mixtape Rapper
“But I’m Bobby at Knight, so I choke her for fun/Better yet Sprewell when I’m choking the coach”, “Ambitions Of Musicians”, Crash Landed
“Rap MJ and I got that Game 6 handle”, “I’m Good (Bret Hart)”, It’s Charles Hamilton
“I Jordan leap to the sky”, “Psycho Bitch”, Well Isn’t This Awkward

He’s Charles Hamilton.  The inspiration.


I Go Crazy AKA NBA Gametime Of The Night:

“You can’t stand him, the kid is Gary Payton/I’m in L.A. but now I’m gonna move”, Charles Hamilton, “DJ Reflex Power 106 Freestyle”, Crash Landed

“Don’t get too enthusiastic, curb it quick/Larry David to you Gary Paytons/You ain’t really work for yours, but I’m sure you’re happy waitin’”, Charles Hamilton, “Supersonicevents”, Sonic The Hamilton

Dang, that’s harsh!  Well, even if GP didn’t “work for his” in Miami.  He is definitely working for his now.  GP AND C-WEBB ON THEIR JABBAWOCKEE GRIZZLY??!!?!?!!  Ridic.

Mike Miller JUST misses Near Triple-Double status with a 9/9/7, and the 7 was points?!?!?!?!… The Chuckster back in the house tomorrow night.  But did they really rob us the viewing opportunity of another awkward and serious Ernie Johnson/Charles Barkley isolated stool interview?  Seems like that interview already happened.  Air it!  The people need an explanation!.. Hell hath no fury like an Alvin Gentry scorned… Zoolander on the move?  Wally Sizzur benched for Tarence Kinsey.  A healthy scratch, per se…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night AKA Triple-Double Of The Night:

LeBron James — 52 points, 11 assists, 10 boards, 2 blocks

No question on this one.  The Kobe-hating part of our office wanted the King to go for at least 62.  However, the side of the office that likes sunshine and carefree frolicking, was excited LeBron put HIS signature on the game.  A triple-double is more his style.  And 52 points + 11*2(at least) = 74 points.  So he accounted for more offense than Kobe’s 61 and 3 anyway, right?

But on the reel-to-reels, these inflated stat lines should not be getting as much play as they are, since they are coming against the D’Antoni Knicks.  After all, this is the same system that produced the two sham Steve Nash MVPs.  Shouldn’t the Knicks be angry the League’s stars look at the them as the team they are going to try and set records against?

Fat Lever Of The Night:

Stephen Jackson — 30 points, 11 boards, 10 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Wow, his first one?  He has been close before, but he finally did it, Brooklyn, last night against the Suns in a victory.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Jermaine O’Neal — 22 points, 9 boards, 9 blocks, 4 assists

Almost the rarely seen triple-double with blocks.  It was not enough to help the Raptors shine some light on their disappointing season, however, as they took a home L to the Lakers.  Biggest bust team in the League this year, right?  Somebody please get Anthony Parker in the Playoffs, though.  Really.  On a legit contender, preferably.

NBA-Tinged Lyric Of The Night:

“When they see you coming down and you outta luck/They gon look at you and say that clown/gassed up, you can hear it when he talkin’/Scored a couple points and now he thinkin’ he Jordan”, “Amnesia”

Pa-poose, pa-poose.  This joint is fire.  It’s over a classic Sade beat, and Pap goes in.

Everybody’s talking about an economic stimulus plan, but what we want from Barack is some sort of stimulus to get Papoose or Saigon to put out an official album.  Soon.

Shaqism Of The Night:

Shaq on his new intro ritual:

“‘The guys holding me up are called ‘The LPC,” O’Neal declared. ‘The Levitation Process Crew. It’s because I levitate above all competition. And of course, because there is no such thing as levitation, I need a Levitation Process Crew. This Gentleman in my Arms,” he said pointing at Alando Tucker, “shows that we have trust in each other because he’s just diving into my arms - and I just want to let him know that I got his back. It’s a symbol of trust.’”

Keep ‘em coming, Shaq.

Honestly, Give Durant The Ball In Crunch Time Of The Night:

Looks like every time Denver and OKC get together it’s gonna go to right to the end, culminating in some manner of spectacularity.  Last night Carmelo came out on top again, hitting a ridiculous runner.  We are still angry though, that Kevin Durant’s teammates do not fully realize the capo status he has attained.  GIVE THE MAN THE BALL!  In the final few minutes, Russell Westbrook actually waved him off, then ended up shooting a fadeway jumper that had absolutely no chance!  Come on, ya’ll.  Let the man live.

The Pistons took down the Heat in a battle for Eastern Conference mediocrity supremacy.  Good, close game, too… How gross does this Hornets team look without CP3?… Jay-Z, Mr. Barber.  Mr. Barber, Jay-Z…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Kevin Durant — 35 points, 10 boards, 6 assists, 4 blocks

See below to see why this line should have been altered.  Maybe fewer stats, maybe more, but definitely different if not for the always brilliant decision-making of Earl Watson.

Worst Of The Night:

Earl Watson — 6 points, 5 assists, 2 boards, 1 steal, 1 turnover

The line looks innocent enough… but it only took one play to reveal the rotten core of this bad apple.  During the final minute, his team was up 4 — a crucial possession.  He pounded the ball to the court for most of the shot clock then used a Nick Collison screen to get an off-the-dribble mid-range J.  CLANG (of course).  Long rebound, which led to… a wide open fast break dunk for his man, Mike Conley.

Hey, Earl.  There’s this guy on your team… he’s about 6′9″… a phenom out of the East Coast.  Oh, he’s also your leading score… oh and he’s the one that’s been KILLING the Grizz all night.  Kevin Durant ring any bells?  No?  How about your position, point guard… are you familiar with the concept of getting the ball into the hands of the most capable scorer?  Leading your team on the offensive end?  Trying to get your team points?  Hmm… nothing there either, huh?

We don’t know if Scott Brooks called that particular play, but we do know that it seemed like he took the ball out of ol’ Earl’s hands in OT.   In the extra period, Brooks had Russell Westbrook running the show, who evidently has heard of one Kevin Wayne Durant.  KD dominates.  Thunder win.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Washington Wizards — 71 points vs. Miami

The M-I-Yayo might be famous for those slangin’ that rock, but the Wiz thought they were supposed to clang that rock, last night.  37% from the field… 15% from the land of three… 69% from the charity stripe.  Now that is grosser than Rick Ross clipping his toenails, naked, on South Beach.  AND picking his nose.

Charlotte Bobcats — 74 points vs. Portland

Like the fate of Jamal Malik, the result of this game was written.  Beat the best team in the league in triple-OT, then play your second game in two nights on the road against another top team, all while losing your top score to a broken rib and collapsed lung?  Recipe for how to catch an L.

The Clip Joint — 75 points vs. Chicago

Chicago gives up an average of about 102 points a game.  Yes, the Clippers forgot to play a quarter (the 3rd).  Yes, this is just another notch on Mike Dunleavy’s belt of offensive underachievement.  And, yes, DeAndre Jordan can officially handle finishing the alley oop.  He had 3 sick ones in this game.

Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 14 points, 9 boards, 9 assists, 3 steals

The highlight?  Check assist #9 at about the 1:20 mark of this video.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Not Honey Of The Night:

After seeing Carmelo Anthony on the bench “rocking” a white sweater over a green shirt, a tie, and green/brown plaid pants, the MRSV exclaimed:  “Oh my god.  Carmelo looks like a leprechaun… or a golfer.”

Not a ringing endorsement.

Career-High Of The Night:

T.J. Ford — 34 points, 3 assists, 2 steals, 1 board

With Danny Granger sitting this one out with a knee injury, Ford took it upon himself to pick up the scoring slack.  That decision resulted in a career-high scoring output and a win over the Bucks, with whom the Pacers are competing for that #8 spot.  We love T.J., and perhaps inexpicably so.  That love can only mean one thing… Revolutionary status.

Rivalry Of The Night:

NBA rivalries… Celtics/Lakers?  Knicks/Pacers?  Spurs/Mavs?  How about Raptors/Nets?  It’s arguably one of the closest things to an actual rivalry in the league right now.  There is still T-Dot-O anymosity towards Vinsanity, they met in the Playoffs a couple years back, and 2 out of this year’s 4 matches have been decided on the final shot (including last night’s when Devin Harris DID JOEY GRAHAM UP, only to miss the open J).  Now they are fighting each other (ok, and maybe 5 other teams) for a potential Playoff berth.  We’re reaching here, yes.  But it feels like a rivalry.

NBA-Tinged Lyric Of The Night:

“The world listening to these words I say/Even if a nigga talkin’ ’bout the NBA/Ron Artest says, ‘Stat, what about the rappers?’/Well, Ron most of these niggas is fuckin’ actors”, “Liars”

“Gettin’ green like Rondo, plus the ring pronto”, “Intermission”

“Left my label, it’s they loss/Like the Hawks in the Playoffs/I hate snitches like Jews hate Adolf”, “Intermission”

Those are off of Stat Quo’s QuoCity mixtape.  If Freeway got comeback MC of the month last month, then Stat is looking for that same honor.  Although Stat has never really achieved the heights Freeway has, so maybe it’s more like a most improved award.  He is definitely looking for the hustle award as well, as this is the 3rd mixtape in a planned 1-per-month, 12-month series.

Rookies vs. Sophs Of The Night:

Can the Rookies end the Sophs 6-year reign of terror?  We say no, that Durant-led Soph roster is just too nice.  Highest pick not to make the Rookie squad –  Kevin Love.  Nobody said that chicks dig the rebound, Kevin.  Sophs that didn’t re-up — Mike Conley, Chairman Yi, Juan Carlos Navarro, Jamario Moon and Sean Williams.  Wow… THOSE guys were top rookies last year?

Rookies:

Michael Beasley, F, MIA
Rudy Fernandez, G, POR
Marc Gasol, C, MEM
Eric Gordon, G, LAC
Brook Lopez, C, NJN
O.J. Mayo, G, MEM
Greg Oden, C, POR
Derrick Rose, PG, CHI
Russell Westbrook, PG, OKC

Sophs:

Aaron Brooks, PG, HOU
Wilson Chandler, F, NYK
Kevin Durant, GF, OKC
Jeff Green, F, OKC
Al Horford, PF, ATL
Luis Scola, PF, HOU
Al Thornton, F, LAC
Rodney Stuckey, G, DET
Thaddeous Young, F, PH
I

Anthony Parker for Prime Minister… stay tuned for the L.O.N./Kanye/Louis Vuitton collabo.  We are thinking scarves.  Or maybe belts?… And one more time, for posterity’s sake, C-Webb and GP in one of the best top 10 play sequences of all time.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 33 points, 11 assists, 10 boards, 7 steals

He one-man-showed this game.  Despite Jason Kidd going slot machine (7pts/7asts/7rebs), CP3, with little to no help, took the road win.  But when we found out LeBron (triple-double last night) is playing Paul on Friday, on ESPN, it all started to feel like a big conspiracy.

Beast Of The Night:

Brad Mizzle — 30 points, 22 boards, 2 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

A ridiculous effort in an absurd marathon of a game.  Nobody wanted to win, as Sacramento and G-State missed shot after shot, opportunity after opportunity in 3 overtimes!  Free basketball, playas and playettes.  Despite J-Creezy playing a full 5 quarters worth of action (60 minutes), the Warriors could not put this one away to fully complete their 4th quarter comeback.  After they lost 3 starters due to foul outs to Sactown’s 0, they just got out-manned.  This was the bottom-feeder Yin to the Lakers/Spurs Western Conference supremacy Yang, for sure.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Portland Trailblazers — 79 points vs. Illadelph

Freeway actually wrote more verses last night than Portland scored points.  FREE MIX!

Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

Tim Duncan — 20 points, 10 boards, 8 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Every time there’s “best player” in the league talk, there should at least be an obligatory throw in of “and don’t forget that old dog Tim Duncan, he’s still getting it done”, or something to that affect.  Although often a bogus award, when a guy whens the MVP two years running, he is generally in the mix for the “best player in the world” crown.  Duncan did that at his peak, producing these numbers:

01-02:  25.5 pts, 12.7 rebs, 3.7 asts, 2.5 blks in 40.6 mins
02-03:  23.3 pts, 12.9 rebs, 3.9 asts, 2.9 blks in 39.3 mins

Now check this year:

08-09:  20.4 pts, 10.1 rebs, 3.5 asts, 1.8 blks in 35.4 mins

Wow.  That is not much fall off.  Give him 5 more minutes a game, and it is even closer.  Is playing big minutes part of being the best player?  Yes.  Is there some decline?  For sure.  But should the boy get more love?  Definitely.  Just ask Kobe (Roger Mason… FOR THE WIN!!!).

Near Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 18 boards, 12 points, 4 blocks, 2 steals

It will never happen in a million years, but shouldn’t the Lakers trade Andrew Bynum for Marcus Camby?  Don’t the Lakers dream that Bynum might be half the player Camby is right now?  Last night Bynum snatched THREE rebounds in 35 minutes.  As your boy Ta-Nehisi Coates would say, weaksauce!

Warriors fans = awesome, in stark contrast to the simultaneously catacombesque Staples Center, which hosted the Clip Joint/Atlanta game last night… The Pistons with back-to-back MISSED buzzer-beaters.  A.I. on Tuesday, Rip on Wednesday.  So close… Looks like the Ceatles are back on track now, winning three in a row, including a little 32-point serving of smash time to Dirty Jers, last night… Nick Young = pure, raw, unadulterated, uncut, pristine, unblemished sugar cane offense… Anthony Randolph — get on the floor, young fella!… Anthony Parker needs to be on a contender.  That vicious fall-away baseline J needs to have an impact in the playoffs… Il Mago balling (career-high 31 points), T-Dot still losing.  What happens when Jermaine O’Neal comes back?…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

After the wildly weird and uncomfortable Lil Wayne/Skip Bayless/Dana Jacobson ESPN segment, we’re not sure if we are actually writing this or if we now exist in a post-apocalyptic ether… not to mention Kobe praise is found in these here margins.  Yeah, post-apocalyptic ether it is.  Eeeeeeeee-ther boy.
Line Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 32 points, 15 assists, 3 boards, 3 steals

David West only had 40 because of CP3 so dead the protests.  This double-headed monster took down the Lakers in the Staples Center, and now quietly have the 2nd best record in the West.  #3 by mere percentage points?  Spid-durs.  Believe the Lakers hype at your own peril.

Obligatory Kobe Praise Of The Year Of The Night:

#10.  Really?  #10?  We’ll give #1 to Caron, but beyond that… take it from here, Seth and Amy.  REAALLY?!?  A former dunk champ blocks a midget’s shot and that’s higher?  REAAAAALLLY?!?  A former dunk champ hits a tip dunk and that’s higher?   REAAAAAAAAAALLY?!?  The Kobster’s teammate does a basic spin and dunk, and that’s higher?  Really?!?  Ok, we take part of it back… the Dwight Howard tip dunk was absolutely supertastic.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 19 boards, 10 points, 4 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Sorry, Marcus.  Honestly.  [whispering]  Clip Joint loses… again … 107-102 in Dallas.

Tribute Track Of The Night:

If you came up when L.O.N. did, then we dare you not to shed a tear listening to Jadakiss and Faith’s “Letter To B.I.G.“.  Right from the top when he says, “In your memory I keep a Coogi in my closet/Kangol on the rack with fresh pair of Wally’s”… that hits deep.  To be honest, we are scared about the upcoming biopic, Notorious.  Obama or no Obama, no matter how good it is — even if it was Oscar-worthy — there’d be the mainstream idiots out there trivializing the fact that the movie even exists.  So we beg… please, please, please let this movie be good, so at least we can feel good about defending it.  Because it WILL be defended.  Word to Ron Artest.

Rookie Of The Night:

Eric Gordon — 32 points, 6 assists, 3 boards

Give the man 46 minutes against the still-not-so-good-at-D Mavs, and you get 32 points.  How does a team with so many outstanding individual performances win so few games?  Oh… right… their coach is Mike Dunleavy.

Old Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 10 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 3 points, 1 block

Only Kidd misses the Near Triple-Double due to lack of scoring.  It’s his new signature.  Maybe he should get it tattooed on his ring finger.  If Brett Favre comes back again, on any given Sunday next fall, Kidd total points in a game vs. Favre interceptions might be a 50/50 proposition.

Not Ideal Follow Up Of The Night:

McGradles — 14 points on 5-15 shooting, 9 assists, 4 boards, 3 steals, 1 loss to the Sixers, 1 tragically gimpy knee

Just a guess, but if you were playing Apples To Apples, and the card said, “Best Follow Up To Defiant Media Comments“, you would not throw down your “5-15 shooting performance while limping around leading to a loss” card.

A Tribe/Jordan collabo?  That’s the definition of L.O.N.  Sick… To the Mavs courtside seat fan in the lower lefthand corner of your screen with the pink clappers:  ENOUGH!… The Grizz waived D-Miles following Tuesday’s loss, but at least he got this block in.  But no fist-to-head bump!… MJ was all smiles after his Bobcats beat the C’s.  Big win, right?  But the real reason for the smile?  FREE BASKETBALL!!!, of course… Harlem, get light… Alexis Ajinca or Nathan Jawai?  QUICK!  NOW!!!!  SAY IT!!!  PICK ONE NOW!!!  DO IT!!! HURRY!  NOW!  IMMEDIATELY!!!

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 29 points, 8 boards, 6 assists, 4 blocks, 3 steals

Friday night D-Wade could not get it done in the 4th.  Saturday night he got EVERYTHING done.  We are talking near 5×5 glory.  The highlight of his performance was for sure the blocks.  Two of them came against 7-foot rook Brook Lopez, with the best being a mano e mano, straight up and down manhood test.  Even the usual stoic Wade could not contain himself after that one, stopping mid-play to mean mug the sideline.  When he balls out like this, and the second leading scorer is Yakhouba Diawara, it is hard to knock the MVP talk.

Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 20 boards, 14 points, 2 blocks, 1 assist

About 6-7 years ago (ok, maybe even as few as three?), this man’s nickname in, umm, some circles was Gumby.  If we had told you back then he’d be the lone stalwart on a team hammered by injuries and suspension, or maybe if we had merely suggested he was still in the leg and not a convalescent home, you would have thought we were living in the Vortex of Crazy.  Well, welcome to Crazy Town — Ricky Davis welcomes you with open arms.

If only he could have managed 16 points, Mikey Dun-Dun’s Clips could have pulled out a win over the streaking Pistons.

Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

Andre Iguodala — 25 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal

And 1 loss vs. the Spurs on Saturday.  We were about to rant about the Other A.I. being regarded as less of a winner than even the other A.I.  Then we realized he is only 24, has a ridic game, and still has plenty of time to figure things out.  These gosh darn early entrants…

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Cleveland Cavs — 77 points. vs. The Wiz

Oh the irony.  DeShawn Stevenson doesn’t play, and his guys are able to knock off the over-rated LeBron James-led Cavs.  And also, LeBron… come on, playa.  Crab dribble?  That must Akron slang for 3 steps.

The worst part about all of this, with the Celtics falling on Sunday as well, is the raw and unadulterated Lakerness that will now be unleashed upon us all, as they now stand with the best record in the L.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Bonjour, Pau.  Je m’appelle Nicolas Batum.  I’m here to take your order.  Some crepes, perhaps?  Maybe les croissants?  Or how about this FRENCHIFIED EFFERVESCENCE ON YOUR KNOT!!!  PAU!!!!

Comeback Of The Night:

Kevin Martin — 45 points, 6 assists, 2 boards, 1 steal

Martin, still coming off the bench in his 3rd game back from injury, won the individual battle with Danny Granger (35 points) in a “Most Overlooked Star” shootout, but Granger’s Pacers took down the win.

Bring Back The Fist To Head Bump Of The Night:

Darius Miles — 2 minutes, 0 points, 0 blocks, 0 boards, 0 assists, 0 steals

In what bizarro world context does Darius Miles fit in on the Memphis Grizzlies roster?  In case you missed it, and you probably did, Miles got his first burn in a hot, hot minute on Sunday, playing the final minute plus in the Grizzlies surprise blowout of the visiting Mavs.  We love you D, and it’s a good look for you, but we are not sure what benefit Memphis gets out of this?  Of course, it could be that the organization has a grudge with Portland, who will be on the hook for the remaining 2 years and $18 million if Miles plays in 10 games.  And Busta Rhymes says:  “THERE’S ONLY 9 GAMES LEFT!!!!!!”

Mike Dunleavy Jr. broke out the Pacers-yellow sports coat.  Must have been a Christmas present from fellow Dookie Shane Battier, who has been rocking the Rocket-red coat all season, when injured… Just when we talk up the Bucks, they couldn’t complete the home-and-home sweep of the Bobcats, losing 102-92 in the second meeting… Speaking of back-to-backs, the Vinsanity could not be aroused on Saturday, as Vince missed a last second three, to tie, this time around… Beware the magic of Il Mago…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

We wish you a very L.O.N.nie New Year.  The NBA came hard on the first day of the ‘09 schedule.  David Stern’s New Year’s resolution must have been to provide the fan base with more buzzer-beaters.  The best one, by far, was the Baltimore/D.C. shootout between Kevin Durant and Melo.  Durant drained a bomb to put OKC on top, but left far too much time for Melo.  Desmond Mason gave him far too much room in the corner… and it was a wrap.

Line Of The Night:

Rodney Stuckey — 38 points, 7 assists, 4 boards, 2 steals

Yo, Sac-town, I’m 50 Cent.  What?  5 bullets.  38 points.  Millions of records sold.  Ball through the hoop, lead in mouth.  Yo, I’m 50 Cent.  Take a booze cruise and get the eff outta here.

Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

LeBron James — 16 points, 11 assists, 10 boards, 3 blocks, 2 steals

The Cavs remained undefeated at home, easily taking down the Bulls Friday night.  They did not miss a beat, despite Big Z missing the game due to an ankle injury.  He’s set to be out for about a month, but for at least one night, Sideshow Varejao showed he is capable of starting.  He dropped a career-high 26 on the somnambulant Bulls.  Nonetheless, the absence of Ilgauskas will take a little of the shimmer and shine off of next Friday’s C.C.’s on C’s battle for Eastern Conference supremacy, and may even cost the C.C.’s home court in the presumed Eastern Conference Finals.  The King probably would tell you differently, though.  He’s on his job.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Joe Johnson — 13 points, 9 boards, 9 assists, 1 steal

Too $hort would say, “Get in where you fit in, fool.”  TV talking heads say it incessantly, but in a different (boring) way.  “What this guy has got to do is all the ‘other things’ when his shot is not falling.”  Well, all they have to do is verify it, when Johnson is the player with the crooked J.  Every time this dude is misfiring, it seems like he comes up with a triple-double-type effort — whatever it takes to win… or in Friday night’s case, almost win.  You see, he got trumped by a guy that COULD get his shot to fall.  Vinsanity.  Clutch Vinsanity.  Clutch Vinsanity Glare.  Nets win in OT.

Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 23 points, 19 points, 4 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Camby had over half the Clippers’ rebounds against the Suns.  That’s because the rest of the starting lineup was Al Thornton, Brian Skinner, Eric Gordon and Jason Hart.  If your team is fighting for Playoff position, you don’t want them playing a healthy Clippers squad in the last month of the season.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Troy Murphy — 18 boards, 15 points, 5 assists, 3 steals

Take this line with a grain of salt, considering Murphy achieved it after taking a grain of performance enhancing D’Antonicillin.  Jarrett Jack was the real star of the show, though, dropping 29 points, including the buzzer-beater for — SWOP! –the win.  How does T.J. Ford always find himself in this situation?  He’s a magnet for starting caliber backup point guards.  First Mo, then Calderon, now Jack.  We just want to see him lead a D’Antoni attack.  That’s eye-pleasing.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Pop champagne and ring in a West Coast New Year’s.  Watch football all day New Year’s Day, drinking beer, while eating chips and vegetables with multiple dips, and topping it all off with chocolate cupcakes.  The L.O.N. New Year’s itinerary?  Almost.  The last couple days in review for the Blazers, Heat, Bobcats and Rockets?  Looks like it.  Come on.  Let’s contract the Contraction Club for the New Year.

Portland Trailblazers — 77 points vs. New Orleans

We understand Brandon Roy is still out with a hamstring injury… but a home loss like this?  And Tyson Chandler didn’t even play in the fourth after scuffling with the Przzzz.

Miami Heat — 76 points vs. Orlando Magic

This looked like a classic game hinging on a legendary D-Wade performance.  Well, hinge it did, but more like un-hinge.  The dark horse MVP candidate had 33 points, but exactly 0 of those came after the 5 minute mark in the third.  Da Drought Part 7, coupled with shooting gems from Mario Chalmers 1-11 and Hedo Turkoglu 1-14 made this an I Am Not Legend scenario.

Charlotte Bobcats — 75 points vs. Milwaukee

With the bottom half of the East dropping fast, and the Bucks approaching .500, it’s looking like they can start making spring plans to be on the court.  And does anyone else see an Orlando playoff collapse?  Can the Bucks upset the Magic in a 3-6 matchup?

Houston Rockets — 73 points vs. the T-Dot

The sight of Il Mago abusing Yao on the perimeter took all the fight out of the Rockets.  It was like magic.

Russell Westbrook or Avon Barksdale?… ‘Sheed reports that Aaron “Afflac” Afflalo “must have a tape worm”… After a clutch shot near the end of last night’s win, we were blessed with the A.I. skip!  Love it.  Detroiters probably due to, now that they have 5 straight wins… the 2008 Rap Up is here.  But can we get a C’s mention?  The Jayhawks?  Something?… In case you were wondering what Fred Jones has been doing up until the point he returned to the L with the Clip Joint, it involved concocting intricate facial hair looks…