L.O.N.

Line Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — 33 points, 9 assists, 2 boards

D-Rose gets the stats, his teammates get his back.  Rose was the steady rock on offense that he always is, but the key to closing this one out was the defense supplied by the bench in the 4th quarter.  The Bulls, anchored by Taj Gibson, Ronnie Brewer and Omer Asik, took the Hawks completely out of their offense in the 4th, forcing tough shot after tough shot.  Only Jeff Teague could manage much, and he was probably 5th on the Bulls emphasis list.  The defense is our backbone.

Worst Of The Night:

J-Creezy — 2 points on 1-9 shooting

Ouch.  Following Game 1, the Bulls have absolutely shut Crawford down in this series.  Locked.  Down.  For the Hawks to have any chance to do the improbable, they are going to need some offense from our guy.  C’mon, Creezy!

Executive(s) Of The Year Of The Night:

Miami Heat president Pat Riley and Chicago Bulls general manager Gar Forman have been named co-recipients of the NBA Executive Of The Year award.  Cop out.  Pick one or the other, or better yet, don’t pick either.  Riley was gift-wrapped LeBron and Bosh, as they seemed to decide amongst themselves where the wanted to play, and then Riley didn’t really do an outstanding job with the supporting cast.  Forman’s Bulls also won a little bit in spite of their roster, with the major improvement coming from within.  He does get some credit for the Thibodeau hire, though.  Our winner?  Whoever is running things down in Dallas (Donnie Nelson, we think).  Tyson Chandler, Peja Stojakovic, Corey Brewer… the list goes one.

Tattoo Of The Night:

This is what happens when NBA players are sent fishing early.  Let the “Andrei Kirilenko to Denver” rumors begin.  The real question, though:  does the dragon rider get a once-a-year free pass from Kirilenko’s wife, too?

Uniforms Of The Night:

The Washington Wizards unveiled their revamped uniforms for the 2011-12 season.  Yes!  Back to the red, white and blue.  It’s a beautiful thing.  Thank you, Ted Leonsis (Washington’s owner).  Now get on your grind with the name change.  Complete the cipher and give us a Washington Bullets renaissance.

Best Apology Of The Night:

Andrew Bynum:  “My actions … don’t represent me, my upbringing, this franchise or any of the Laker fans out there that want to watch us and want us to succeed.  Furthermore, and more importantly, I want to actually apologize to J.J. Barea for doing that. I’m just glad that he wasn’t seriously injured in the event and all I can say is, I’ve looked at [the replay], it’s terrible and it definitely won’t be happening again.”

Sounds like Bynum really knows he screwed up and feels bad about it.  Good job.  He will still have to sit out the first 5 games of next season, though, after being suspended by the league for his actions.

Worst Apology Of The Night:

LeBron James:  “I want to apologize for using the ‘R’ word after Game 3.  If I offended anyone, I sincerely apologize.”

Oh, LeBron.  You used the dreaded “if I offended anyone”.  That’s not good enough.  When you say that, you are saying:  “I don’t even know why I’m apologizing, but I’ll throw one out there anyway.”  Better not to apologize at all, than give us that garbage.

Surely his Bulls teammates were thrilled with Carlos Boozer’s Game 5 victory guarantee, considering he spent much of the 4th quarter on the bench… Some of the things Josh Smith can do on the court — so sick.  We love him leading the break… Marv Albert and Steve Kerr were on a roll last night.  Comedy… Larry Bird to return as Indiana Pacers team president… Pau Gasol ends speculation, says he and his girlfriend are fine, he and Kobe are fine, and the that rumors themselves caused the emotional problems he was having…

Last night the L.O.N. offices caught their first solid glimpses of the 2011 title parade.  There was lots of sun and boats.  Lots of flashes of white.  Those LA cats are not done yet, but we have seen a vision, and if they keep falling asleep at the wheel, Miami is taking the chip.  They looked really, really good.

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 35 points, 7 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

It is absolutely wonderful watching LeBron play with this much help on this side.  It gives him the freedom to dip and dive into various roles on the court — scoring here, setting up there, oh, now he’s organizing the D.  The Heat are clicking on all cylinders.  Defense.  Offense.  Coaching.  Everyone on the team is involved.  Everyone has bought in.  It’s all there.  They continue to be the most impressive team this post-season, but the sleeping giant that is the Lakers, still lurks.

MVP Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — 1 MVP award

Rose becomes the youngest player ever to win the award in a runaway vote.  Dwight Howard finished a distant 2nd.  We would get into why we disagree with the selection, but all attention today goes to Rose’s beautiful acceptance speech (skip to the 5 minute mark).  First of all, he was looking sharp in a navy blue ensemble.  Second of all, his heartfelt thanks to his Mom was a special, special thing.  Dude is amazing.  The way he put life into perspective is something we all could take to heart.  Despite too many Dook teammates, Rose has supporters for life in L.O.N.

A Good Talking To Of The Night:

Russell Westbrook — 24 points on 9 of 20 shooting (most attempts on the team), 6 assists, 3 steals, 2 boards

Russell, Russell, Russell.  Yes, we know you won, but that is beside the point.  Yes, we know you can get an open 17-footer every time.  But have you considered that they want you to shoot that shot?  Yes, we know you dribble the ball down the court most of the time.  But that does not mean you have to shoot most of the time.  Look around you.  Do you see that tall, lanky guy over there?  His name is Kevin Durant.  He is one of the top 3 - possibly the best - scorer in the game.  He is also a very polite young man, so we are forced to deliver this message.  Believe us, he is thinking it.  GIVE HIM THE BALL!  YOU SHOULD NOT BE CONSISTENTLY SHOOTING MORE THAN HIM!  IT WILL BE YOUR TEAM’S DOWNFALL!

Ok, that felt good.  We are not sure Scott Brooks has the necessary personality meshing skills to get this team over-the-top.  Maybe he needs to take it back summer basketball camp style, and put in a quota.  Remember the drill where your team had to pass at least 5 times or whatever, before shooting?  Well, for Westbrook, he is allowed to shoot as much as he wants, as long as it is one less shot than Durant.  Shoot 50 times, just make sure Durant shoots 51!

That Ain’t Gonna Work Of The Night:

Michael Conley — 24 points, 8 assists, 2 boards, 1 steal

Very nice output from Conley, but Memphis will not win that way.  Oklahoma City clogged up the paint very well last night, turning Memphis into a mostly jump-shooting team.  To his credit, Conley (as well as Sam Young and O.J. Mayo) stepped up admirably, hitting a lot of key shots.  These guys kept the Grizz in the game long after most teams would have packed it up and headed home for Game 3.  These guys have that dog in ‘em.  But Z-Bo has to, um, Z-bound from this lackluster effort and get back in that paint.  He settled for jumpers early and often.  You talk trash, you gotta back it up.

Mike Bibby having his giant cross tattoo removed?  We need the inside scoop.  Is he starting an acting career?  Is he replacing it with something bigger and better?  What’s the deal?…  Chris Paul courtside at the Heat game.  Let the rumors begin!  Oh, not about where he wants to play, but what was up with his eyes?  He had the hat pulled low, with a really strange look on his face… If you didn’t notice, Russell Westbrook drives is crazy.  Laughing after he blew that wide open dunk did not help things… We see you, Darrell Arthur.  Serge Ibaka left his table just in time though, to avoid his breakfast… Wow, so Kevin Garnett is the healthiest of the Celtics right now?…

It took eleven nights, but we finally had a “bad” night of the Playoffs.  Three games, three blowouts.  Enough drama unfolded to keep things interesting, though.

Line Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — 25 points, 6 assists, 2 boards, 2 steals, 2 blocks

M-V-P!  M-V-P!  M-V-P!  It wasn’t the ankle injury from the previous game that slowed down Rose and the Bulls in this one, it was foul trouble.  Rose went out early in the 3rd with his 4th foul, and Indiana started to get it in.  Tom Thibodeau quickly put his entire offense back in the game, and it was on.  Donkey Kong.  Derrick Rose assist.  Derrick Rose three.  DERRICK ROSE BLOCK!!!!  Derrick Rose three.  Derrick Rose foul shot.  Derrick Rose three.  Game time.  Series over.  On to the next.

Worst Of The Night:

Darren Collison — 7 points, 5 assists, 3 boards

Collison started off this series balling, needing no time to get acclimated to these Playoffs.  It was almost enough to lead his team to a Game 1 upset.  Almost.  He looked to continue this breakout performance in Game 2, but was injured after falling on a camerman under the basket.  He was never the same.  Maybe it was the injury, maybe the defensive-minded Bulls figured out an anti-Collison elixir, but either way, the rest of the series he was a shadow of the guy that was everywhere for the Pacers in Game 1.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Atlanta Hawks, 76 points vs. Orlando Magic

Guess they really wanted to close this thing out at home, instead of on the road.  But guess what?  There are no guarantees, and you just let a team that bombs 3’s get loose from outside and you gave Dwight Howard a virtual night off.  Momentum just swung hard in Orlando’s direction.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Wah, wah, wah.  I’m Kobe Bryant and my ankle hurts.  Wah, wah, wah.  Not really, but I desperately need the attention.  Wah, wah, wah.  Eat your breakfast, Emeka.  Wah, wah, wah.  Plays like that alone would get me the attention, but I need more.  Wah, wah, wah.

NBA-Tinged Lyrics Of The Night:

“But I’m Bynum and Gasol, this is all my lane/Your little Calderon raps too small to hang”, Shad, “Give You All I Can”

Switch Calderon with Okafor, and you have a literal description of what went down last night.  The Lakers dominated the offensive boards and second chance points, which they really should do every game against this Hornets squad.  As usual, a motivated Lakers team is a winning Lakers team.

Playoff Beards Of The Night:

What is going on Orlando?  Are they the first group to grow groomed Playoff beards?  Are they not united on the movement?  Is it purely a coincidence and it is simply a bunch of guys with facial hair?  Is it all a big prank on J.J. Redick and Earl Clark?  The people want answers.

Objection, your honor!  Please disallow Exhibit A.  Sustained!… Think the Spurs are hoping for an Orlando-like performance in Game 5?  They have similar role players that have not done much, that would love to get rolling… Malik Allen alert… It pains us to say it, and hopefully this is buried well enough that no one actually reads it, but we love Dahntay Jones’ mentality and wish more guys played the game like him… No doubt the Bulls are seriously considering keeping Joakim Noah’s grandfather on-call to show up for important games.  Noah had next level energy last night… Looks like we can all agree that, while a very, very good player, Danny Granger is officially not an “impose my will” guy… The Bulls series victory over the Pacers means one thing:  The Jersey Neckline Gods have ruled:  classic beats that wishbone garbage… QUEENSBRIDGE!!!!  Ron Artest won the J. Walter Kennedy Citizenship Award for his work raising awareness of mental health issues.  Representing lovely… Carlos Boozer injured his toe during last night’s game.  It is unknown if it will cost him any time… FREE T.J. FORD!!!

Line Of The Night AKA Near Trible-Double Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 32 points, 10 boards, 8 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

And it seemed so easy.  The scary aspect of these Heat, is it does not seemed they have kicked it into overdrive yet (assuming they have that gear).  There are sorta cruising by the Sixers, just taking care of business.  In a very quiet way, they are perhaps the most impressive team of the Playoffs, thus far.

Not As Bad As You Think Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — 4-18 from the field

Rose was frustrated early.  Maybe even a little rattled.  But he battled, then battled, then re-upped on the battle.  He managed 23 points by going to the line 15 times and despite his very difficult time from the field, drove to the basket and hit the go ahead basket in the waning seconds.  However, while his offensive doggedness was oh so necessary for the win, the story of this game was the Bulls’ defense, especially in the paint.  Roy Hibbert and Tyler Hansbrough both shot 3-12, unable to finish inside.  Darren Collison and Dahntay Jones were the only Pacer with significant shots that hit 50%, they only hit 4 and 5 shots, respectively.  Then on the final possession, the Pacers were kept in a jail cell outside the 3-point line.  The defense is the backbone.

NBA-Tinged Lyrics Of The Night:

“Let the world listen, if a hater’s caught slippin’/Then my niggas stay tight, got my back like Pippen”

Need to wind down from the intensity of the Playoffs?  Vibe out to new R&B cat The Weeknd’s free mixtape, House Of Balloons.

Smile For Me Of The Night:

Brandon Roy — 16 points, 4 assists, 1 steal, 1 board

That is all you could do while witnessing Roy’s impressive effort last night.  After barely playing and having even less of an impact in Game 2, Roy showed glimpses of his former self in Game 3, and it helped get Portland back in the series.  After all his injury struggles and fall from the top, it was good to see him ball out a little bit.  In the first half Wes Matthews was on fire, and in the 2nd half it was Roy, but the Blazers may be a little to jumpshot dependent to win this thing.

We Are Impressed Of The Night:

While we are admittedly not the biggest Dirk Nowitzki fans here at L.O.N., we were taken aback and very impressed when we found during last night’s broadcast that Dirk is one of only 4 players all-time to average at least 25 points and 10 boards in their playoff careers.  The rest of the list:  Bob Pettit, Elgin Baylor and Hakeem Olajuwon.  Daaaaamn, homey!  That is legit.  Even more surprising than seeing his name on that list, is seeing the short length of the list.  There are a lot of other guys you might think would be on there.  Wilt?  Shaq?  Barkley?  Nah.

Paul George seemed way more aggressive back at home, although his shot was still not falling.  If he had finished that one dunk attempt though, wow… About time Dahntay Jones got some minutes.  He seems like the perfect irritant to serve up to Rose for a few minutes every game.  And he even made some noise on offense… In the past few years the NBA has seemed too sensitive with the flagrants, but it looks like they have lightened up a bit.  A couple could have been called last night that were not… It was a bad night to be a former Pistons coach, apparently… Love those Portland fans.  Anybody that loves NBA basketball that much is alright with us… Kevin Love wins Most Improved award, which means it should be renamed the “Player Whose Minutes Increased” Award…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — 36 points, 8 boards, 6 assists, 2 steals

The MVP voting has already concluded, but Rose has only cemented the conventional wisdom thus far in the pre-season.  He is the Chicago offense.  Iditarod helped him out a little this game, but it was Rose driving, hitting the J, whatever the Bulls needed offensively, all game.  Impressive.

Worst Of The Night:

Somebody get that cameraman in Chicago that sprained Darren Collison’s ankle a copy of Jay-Z’s Blueprint 3.  Didn’t anybody tell him we off Timbos?  You have gotta be kidding us that a construction boot might have cost the Pacers a shot at a huge Playoff upset.  And why do all cameraman controversies have to involve the Bulls?

Worst Of The Night Part II:

Tyler Hansbrough — 6 points on 2-12 shooting

After a key performance in Game 1, Psycho T fell back to Earth, missing several open jumpers.  He was active as usual, impacting the game in the frantic way only he can, but the Pacers desperately needed a second scorer with Collison injured, and if one had materialized, we might be talking about a 1-1 series.  Game 3 will go a long way in establishing where Hansbrough fits in the playoff food chain.  Also, we blame him and his nickname for subliminally influencing Chris Webber to say “psyche” after one player’s fake.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Illadelph 76ers — 73 points vs. Miami

Jumpshot, jumpshot, jumpshot, clang, clang, clang.  Jumpshot, jumpshot, jumpshot, clang, clang, clang.  That was the Philly offense, especially in the first half.  Thaddeus Young and Evan Turner got a little loose off the bench, but that was about it.  Iguodala… what’s up, mane?  Why you gotta be so an-ti?

Plays Of The Night:

D-Wade putting young Evan Turner on skates with the crossover got the most hype, but give us that LeBron pass to Chris Bosh at the beginning of the 2nd quarter — a no look, bullet chest pass right on target.  So nasty.

Somebody owes Dick Stockton BIG, apparently.  That dude is officially senile, and still rocking the mic… Rick Adelman out as head coach of Rockets… Dang, Mike Miller.  Two thumb braces cannot be a good look for a shooter… T.J. Ford, A Love Story…  There is not much worse than the Iditarod side-to-side head roll celebration…  Where’s Baby?  Where’s  Weezy?  Ross?  Anybody other than Rony Seikaly?  Can someone please fill the gaping “NBA celebrities in the crowd coverage” hole?… Josh McRoberts needs to relax on all that goofy juice…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 33 points, 14 assists, 7 boards, 4 steals

He played Pau Gasol and the entire Lakers D like a fiddle down the stretch.  One largely overlooked aspect of the recent “clutch” debate is that Paul is underrated in regards to clutch play.  He showed just how good he is in that phase of the game on Sunday, in a major way.  Kobe didn’t get a chance to add to his side of the argument one way or the other, as the Lakers were essentially already out of it in the final minutes.  However, he did show reason #4080 why he should not take those ridiculous double-teamed hero fadeaway jumpshots — he might get injured by the crowd (Yeah, we know he made it.  Irrelevant.  #resultsainteverything).

Line Of The Night Honorable Mention:

Derrick Rose — 39 points, 6 assists, 6 boards, 3 blocks, 1 steal

Right when it seemed like the Pacers were almost young, dumb and just not giving a whut enough to pull this thing out, they showed that they were too young, too dumb and too not giving a whut.  They scored 1 point in the last 3-and-a-half minutes, and Rose brought that thang home.  Slow down son, you’re killin’ ‘em!

Worst Of The Night:

ESPN/ABC’s Playoffs music intro — We are not linking too it because we like our readers.  A Led Zeppelin cover band?  Nicole Scherzinger?  Huh?  C’mon ABC/ESPN.  There are more MC’s than dollars in the US deficit spitting NBA lyrics in their bars, and ya’ll still have not embraced Hip-Hop?  Disgraceful.

Near Ice Cube AKA Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 10 points, 9 assists, 9 boards

Nice line, but we want is more of Ray Allen’s mom.  Ray Allen’s mom introduced with the starting lineups.  Cuts to Ray Allen’s mom after every one of his 3’s.  Ray Allen’s mom interviews at the end of every quarter.  Ray Allen’s mom interviewing HERSELF at the end of every quarter.  RAY.  ALLEN’S.  MOM!!!!!!
Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 46 points, 19 boards, 1 block, 1 assist

Gooooood lawd!  As good as he was, that is how bad his teammates (not named Jameer Nelson) were, on offense.  And these aren’t playoff newbies.  We are talking Hedo.  Jason Richardson.  Gilbert Arenas.  The list goes on.  Those guys won’t be as bad next game, but Howard probably won’t be as good, either.  The Hawks have at least established that they are not going out like they did last year.  No brooms here.

Near Beast Of The Night II:

Marcus Camby — 18 boards, 5 assists, 4 points, 2 blocks

Everybody’s upset pick ended up being one of the few series that held form during the opening weekend, despite Camby doing his thing.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Allow me to re-introduce myself, my name is STAT/
S-T-A-T/
I used to dunk oops Steve Nash threw me/
I guess even back then you could call me/
Top chef of the breakfast club, STAT!/
Straight out of N-Y into the playoff fire/
I be the, Knicks #1 breakfast supplier/
Greasier than the plate of breakfast on my tray/
I got the smallest Boston O’Neal yelling my name/
That’s right, STAT/
Not D-O-C, but similar to them letters, no one can do it better/
I serve eggs and bacon like a struggling actress/
My homey ‘Melo told J-O, dude EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!
So that’s what you’re gonna do/
Take it back to Grover get his approval/
Fast forward to clean plate removal/
Let me tell you what I do to C’s old as pops/
Dunk on you cats like dunk contest props.

Injuries Of The Night:

Manu Ginobili, non-shooting elbow — This is the big one.  With the Spurs now down 0-1 to the Grizzlies, they need to get it done now.  He was begging to play Sunday, so we are betting he is out there next game as the Spurs try to even this one up.  The Spurs had Game 1 almost in the bag, got good looks, but did not knock them down.  Manu might change that up a taste.

Chauncey Billups, strained knee — The Knicks battled the C’s to the end in Game 1, but if Chauncey can’t play going forward?  Lights out.

Arron Afflalo, hamstring — The Nuggets struggled mightily in end of the game situations, and Afflalo was a guy that was starting to show signs of clutchness during the regular season.  He could have a huge impact on their series against OKC if he can get out there on the court.  Raymond Felton has the mentality of a clutch dude, just not quite the skill level required.

Shaq O’Neal, calf — Does it matter?  He had to eat his breakfast, but Jermaine O’Neal definitely came up big for the C’s in Game 1.  There is no team with a center match-up requiring Shaq’s services until a potential Finals matchup, so there is really no rush here.  Stop talking about his return as if it’s the key to end of the face tattoo scourge.

Aaron Gray, ankle — That was a nasty freeze frame.  Chris Paul named him his MVP of the Hornets’ Game 1 upset of the Lake Show, and he provides much needed size against the Lakers’ huge frontline.  If Pau Gasol keeps playing like he did, though, they probably don’t need him.  But don’t count on that.

Story Checks Out (Word To Huff & Stapes) Of The Night:

Carlos Boozer?  M.I.A. in the Playoffs.

Jarrett Jack?  Playoff baller.

Denver?  No go-to scorer in the clutch.  And it cost them Game 1.

Andre Iguodala missed a Near Triple-Double because he only managed 4 points?  That’s Jason Kidd type stuff right there… Doc’s clipboard X’s and O’s?  Game tight…  Everywhere you look there is a dang dookie on the court, this off-season.  Danny Green, stand up… Not sure how informative or useful it is, but give us more of Kenny Smith standing in front of that life-size telestrator, becoming part of the replay… Monty Williams tie off, and it’s on to the next… Has Roy Hibbert shown enough to get Hakeem’s cellphone number for a little summer workout session action?…  Honorable mention Eat Your Breakfast goes to Nene on Ibaka.  Ibaka had sent back to me many other orders throughout the game to get on him to hard, though… Best believe the L.O.N. offices will have the Tyler Hansbrough steal/dunk “Champion Of The World!!!” celebration looped on the office big screen once we can get our hands on video that does it justice.  This is all we have so far… Hey, Frank Vogel — TIMEOUT!!!!… Hey, Nic Batum — PASS THE BALL!!!!… Hey, refs — STOP CALLING SO MANY FOULS!!!…

The NBA.  It’s Fan-tastic.

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 29 points, 12 boards, 10 assists

We are a triple-double shop.  We built this on a love for triple-doubles.  The King racks up the 2nd Ice Cube in All-Star history, then he gets the L.O.N.nie.  It is that simple.  The highlight(s) of the game, for us, was when Bron would press his “I’m better than you button”, word to Greg Boone, do his best Unstoppable train impersonation, go past everybody and just dunk.  Love it.

MVP Of The Night:

Kobe Bryant — 37 points, 14 boards, 3 assists, 3 steals

His 4th MVP ties him for the most in All-Star game history, with Bob Pettit and it sho nuff looked like he was going to take down Wilt’s record of 42 points, in the 4th quarter.  It was Los Angeles, and it was his time.  The Kobster decided to put on a full scale production of the Kobe Show in the first three quarters… but was he clutch?  The West needed Kevin Durant to lock this thing up.  Let the firestorm rain down.  [Looks up and waves hands in bring it on motion]

Dunk Of The Night:

The enduring image that is sticking with us from the dunk contest is Baron Davis popping out of the sunroof of that car to throw the oop Blake Griffin!  Awesome.  It makes us smile every time we think of it.

Somebody on Twitter mentioned that this year all 4 contestants should have been given 4 dunks, and we agree.  All of the guys brought creativity and execution this year, which is rare.  Javale McGee, though… did you run out of ideas?  On his last attempt it seemed like he had already emptied his bag of tricks.  And obviously, it goes without saying that there was a bit too much, um, shameless promotion by a certain car brand this year, but we really can’t knock the hustle.

Distribution Center Of The Night:

John Wall — 22 assists, 12 points, 2 steals, 2 boards, 1 Rookie Challenge MVP

Wall set out to break the assist record for the rookie game and did it, leading the rookies to their second consecutive victory.  One of those passes was the highlight of the evening — a crazy bounce oop to Blake Griffin.  Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.  Word to Fabolous.

Built For This Of The Night:

DeJuan Blair — 28 points, 15 boards, 2 assists, 2 steals, 2 blocks

What is up with Blair and All-Star games?  After last year’s standout performance in the Rookie game, he put in another monster effort this year, as a sophomore, including an unbelievable self-oop off the board.  He might be even better than the world thinks.  Every time he breaks out of the Spurs system, he balls out.  Definitely shows he is the perfect fit for the Spurs organization, because he is capable of crazy individual production, but sacrifices to fit in there.

Celebrity Of The Night:

BIEBER!  Justin Bieber, the celebrity game MVP, made a belieber out of a lot of NBA fans over the weekend and simultaneously brought in a lot of haters for his attempted takeover of All-Star Weekend.  His crossover of Common in the celeb game is the stuff of legend at this point, and even though the fans would have voted him MVP even if he had sat the bench the entire game, he legitimately showed intensity and overall skill in Friday night’s celebrity game.  People on the hater side got their rocks off too, when Scottie Pippen (almost cruelly) blocked one of his shots.  As a result, Bieber was the talk of the weekend during the various telecasts.  All we can say is, BIEBER ALERT!

Legend Of The Night:

And speaking of Scottie Pippen, he looked VERY good in the celebrity game, causing Magic Johnson, coach of the opposing team, to exclaim repeatedly how he was having flashbacks to the 1991 Bulls vs. Lakers NBA Finals.  He was not exaggerating either.  You are telling us Pip couldn’t give this years Bulls 10 good minutes per game in the Playoffs?  That 3 was looking super nice.

R.I.P. H.O.R.S.E. competition, we miss you, even if no one else does…  Forget the Kobe Show, apparently when Maria Menounos is on the red (in this case magenta) carpet, it’s the Maria Show!  Pass the ball Maria!…  Nice victory for James Jones in the 3-point contest.  Homey is a 3-point shooting robot out there and we loved his thoughtful answers in the post-competition interview.  Like we have said before, your boy might have the best job in the world…  Meeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll-oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo… We don’t care what people say, we love Derrick Rose’ yellow shoes.  They looked great as a contrast to the blue uniforms.  And yes, L.O.N. is run by a Michigan grad!…  Shaq was outstanding in his brief appearance with the TNT crew.  The way he presented his idea about a potential tie between Ray Allen and Paul Pierce in the 3-point contest was classic…  KANYE=Awesome.  And really, all the Sunday pre-game/halftime performances…  Loved Dwyane Wade rooting like crazy for Dorell Wright in the 3-point contest.  DW4L… We are not on the Los Fearless bandwagon.  At first, we thought it was centered around only Kobe, and that was fine.  But it’s so transparently Los Angeles inspired, and yet features guys like Rondo and Pierce.  Doesn’t feel right…  Let the trade season begin…

A Moment Of Silence Of The Night:

Many in the industry had a heavy heart over this weekend.  First, the TNT guys gave a shout out to Stuart Scott, who was undergoing cancer treatment.  Then the news spread that Blake Griffin’s very good friend, whom Blake was set to visit in OKC next week and who had been fighting cancer for a minute, passed in the days leading up to the weekend.  Finally, word broke late Sunday that Mark Jackson’s younger brother and streetball star Troy “Escalade” Jackson had passed in his sleep while in Los Angeles for All-Star Weekend.  To all affected, hold your head.  Our thoughts are with you.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 28 points, 11 assists,  6 boards, 5 steals, 1 All-Star MVP award

In a game usually defined by offense, it was the defense of D-Wade and Bron that made them the stars of the game, mostly because of the offense to which it led.  The two racked up 9 total steals which led to about 9 (or more?  ANYTHIING is possible in an All-Star game) amazing break-away dunks.  The two had very similar games — easily the most highlightest of the highlighters — but Wade just barely edged out The King statistically, not to mention he completed the All-Star game staple “off glass to your self oop dunk”, to take down the MVP award.  Do not worry, LeBron fans, he will be in contention for the MVP award year-after-year.  His game — and more importantly his personality — is tailor made for this event.  He balls out and has a lot of fun doing it — see his “taunting” of Melo, his back-and-forth with Jason Kidd, and becoming the official “King Of The Two-Handed Reverse Dunk”.

Game Of The Night AKA The Long Arm Of Stan Van Gundy Of The Night:

East 141, West 139

What a game!  The ultimate NBA showcase ended up including just about everything for which a fan could hope.  There was the absolute spectacle of Cowboy Stadium, amazing plays from amazing stars, and a competitive game amongst the world’s greatest athletes.

However, it got off to a very unfamiliar start.  The typical script looks like this — wild and somewhat out-of-control running and gunning for the first half or so, then if the game is still close, settling in to more half-court ball to determine a winner.  But not this year.  Maybe it was the Stan Van Gundy factor (who must have set a record for most timeouts called in an All-Star game) or maybe it was the “wonderment” factor with players entranced by their epic surroundings, or maybe he was all the first-time All-Stars, but right away this was a hard fought game.  There were set plays.  There were lots of fouls called.  There was a back-and-forth battle in the post between Dwight Howard and Pau Gasol.  It was probably not until the 3rd quarter until things really opened up.

That is not to say there was not a lot of fun.  There were a ton of spectacular alley oops (best oop passer for the game?  Rondo.  Best finisher?  Probably Dwight Howard on a spectacular reach-back one-handed finish in the third quarter), and surprisingly few failed alley oops.  And of course, there were just plain fun individual sequences:  Dwight Howard shooting (and making 1) a couple 3’s after which we were half-surprised Van Gundy did not stop the game and yank him!,  Howard grabbing a rebound and going coast-to-coast for the slam,  LeBron’s previously detailed shenanigans, D-Wade’s own aerial show, and CHRIS KAMAN IN THE HOUSE!!!

In the final quarter, it looked like maybe the West was falling into the same trap the Sophomores did on Friday night with their size becoming an obstacle in keeping up with the speed of the East, but then Chauncey Billups decided it was not over.  He shot them right back into it, and we had a “barn barner” (word to Charles Barkley) on our hands.

The end game?  Well, let’s just say it was disappointing.  Several bonehead fouls (just how long did you party on Saturday night, Deron?) and poor execution rounded the game out before hometown hero Chris Bosh iced it for the East with two free throws.  All-in-all, though, it was a great show.

Other game notes:  Hopefully this was the first of many All-Star appearances for Rajon Rondo.  He might have had the highest excitement-per-minute ratio of anyone…  Sorry, but David Lee was exposed.  He is not All-Star caliber, no matter what kind of D’Antoni-inflated stats he can put up…  It is weird, we know, but wasn’t it hard to tell the difference between Chris Kaman and Jason Kidd when they were on the court at the same time?… Derrick Rose definitely did not wilt under the big lights.  He did not find much success, but he was definitely not shy out there… If LeBron was holding a personal try out in the last two minutes to find his next big man teammate, Chris Bosh probably failed by botching an easy oop, and Amar’e might have one himself a spot by locking LeBron up on D… Come on George Karl.  You promise us the 4 point guard lineup, and you don’t deliver?…

Beast Of The Night:

DeJuan Blair — 23 boards, 22 points, 4 assists, 1 unofficial Rookie Challenge MVP award

Tyreke Evans officially won the MVP award but in the face of arena-wide “M-V-P!” chants for Blair, he graciously shared the award with his big fella.  Only a Spur would and could dirty-work his way to stealing the show in an All-Star game.  He did manage to add a little glitz to the show, though.  At one point, right on the heels of the announcers discussing his missing his ACLs, he pulled off a couple classic All-Star moves.  First, he executed a sick breakaway self-pass-off-the-backboard dunk, and then immediately followed that with the always fun “big man clanged 3-pointer”.

The quartet of Evans, Blair, Brandon Jennings and James Harden led the Rookies to a win, marking the first time since 2002 that the Sophomores lost.  Russell Westbrook — who went for a game-high 40, 6 points shy of his teammate Kevin Durant’s record of 46 in this game — seemed like he was leading the Sophs to a second half comeback, but they never figured out how to stop the smaller and quicker (AKA more All-Star ready) Rooks.

Worst Of The Night:

How do you get a trainwreck going in the right direction?  Try this:  1)  Setup a cow-roping game as a gimmick, court-side at an NBA All-Star event.  2)  Have the first participant be Chris Paul… on crutches!?!?!?  What????  3)  Have the first celebrity introduced be… oh?  what’s that?  You have no celebrities in the Celebrity Game?  Check.  Train officially wrecked.

This thing is brutal.  While it’s always been ridiculous, an event like this does have slight potential to be entertaining, and actually used to be — remember when Chris Brown dunked on Bow Wow (okay, not quite, but that’s how myths grow)?  ESPN has taken this event and absolutely run it into the ground.  Bad celebs, bad basketball, bad announcing (Mark Jones quotes:  1) “Common’s one of the best R&B acts going” 2)  “Terrence J, one of the top video jocks in the country” — could you sound any more out of touch?  And that’s your “hip” announcer”?), bad jokes, rigged MVP award.  A-W-F-U-L.

Only two things happened that gave this redeeming value:  1)  Seeing Jon Barry STEAMING after taking a bucket of water to the face.  If he would just let it go and take Mike Breen out… let’s just say there would be no complaints from L.O.N. if both of those guys were never on TV again.  2)  Common, delayed by weather, entering the game ala Derek Fisher and balling.  He was the obvious MVP, but Remi won it as part of some lame promotional storyline ESPN was trying to play up.
H.O.R.S.E. Of The Night:

Kevin Durant successfully defended his title — this time actually receiving a LEGIT trophy — in a contest that is still going through some growing pains.  On the positive side, at least this thing was moved onto a real court, and given more of an overall sense of legitimacy.  The main problem though, is that the TNT guys seemed to be the stars of the show, when it should be about the players.  We need some personalities in this thing — either guys already familiar with each other, or guys with out-sized personalities.  So next year, maybe bring in Russell Westbrook and Brandon Jennings to challenge KD?  Also, the guys need to do at least a little prep work and thought about their shots.  Creativity was a little low.  We did like the fan-submitted shot, so maybe there is potential to integrate that more.  Finally, the end-game was a complete debacle.  So you are telling us that in order to save time, you are going to have PROFESSIONAL SHOOTERS repeatedly fire from the same spot, shot after shot?  That being said, it was still surprising how well Rondo shot.  Now the Ray Allen trade rumors make more sense, as it seems Danny Ainge has somehow stolen Allen’s soul and noetically infused it into Rondo’s body… so teams will actually be receiving Zombie Allen, should they complete a trade.  All-in-all it was a good show, though, and should only get better with a few tweaks.

Other notes:  Now if Omri Casspi had required the other two to duplicate his shooting form on each shot, he might have run away with the thing… Barley was sweating like a H.O.R.S.E. up in there… Can’t believe KD let the ref talk about his momma like that:  “Okay, behind your mom”…

All-Star Saturday Night — The Opening Acts Of The Night:

We are self-admitted All-Star junkies.  We LOVE the Skills Challenge.  We LOVE the Shooting Stars.  Yes, we have never met anyone that shares these feelings with us… so we can’t even join a support group!  Skills Challenge Anonymous, are you out there?

The best part about Shooting Stars this year?  No Derek Fisher.  He’s the L.O.N. anti-christ and we take a definite less-is-more attitude with him.  We did not like the idea of mixing — and even completely fudging (a current NY Liberty playing on team Sacto?) –  teams to complete the squads this year though.  Clippers and Lakers working together for the good of mankind?  Rockets and Mavs and Silver Stars all on the same squad (although the more Becky Hammon, the better)?  It worked out from a competitive standpoint though, as supersquads were created.  The LA and Texas squads were beasts.  LA’s slight weak link — Pau Gasol from 3 — was eventually exposed, as the Texas team took down the title behind the shooting of Dirk, Kenny Smith and Hammon.

Wow, looks like there is more to say about the Shooting Stars than the Skills Challenge?  Basically Steve Nash, almost effortlessly, showed the young fellas how to do this thing, with a couple near-perfect runs.  Deron Williams gave him a run for his money, but had a major hiccup at one of the passing stations to derail his hopes.   In the first round, Brandon Jennings had a similar performance, looking like he was about to set the record, before getting murdered at the long-range pass station.  If he locks that one down, the title may be his next year.

Here is all you need to know about the 3-Point Contest — Darrell Dawkins’ silk Japanese kimono-style suit coat!  Okay, not really, but that thing had to get some L.O.N. shine.  This thing turned out to be a pretty good battle, but the announcers had everyone confused by saying Paul Pierce and Chauncey Billups were in a shootout to reach 2nd round, when in actuality, Pierce, Billups and Stephen Curry were all advanced to the 2nd round.  So when Peezy started wildly celebrating with KG, we thought it was strange that he was doing that before his final shooting round.  Then we figured out he won the thing… then were equally confused when he declared himself “one of the greatest shooters ever”.  Dazed by the suit coat, confused by the events thereafter.

All-Star Saturday Night — The Main Event Of The Night:

Ya’ll can dwell on the wackness if you want, but we will just focus on the dopeness.  Word to Jonathan Levine.  In our opinion, DeMar Derozan was robbed… or maybe he robbed himself?  His first three dunks were pretty sick — especially the off the side of the backboard joint — but his last dunk was weak — a non-challenging running windmill.  Basically, if he had ended on a higher note, he probably takes down the title.  And he promised a Michael Jackson Thriller tribute… where did that go?  That could have provided some much needed theater.  Either way, we hope DeMar is back next year.  Nate Robinson’s dunks were nice when viewed in and of themselves, but his problem was his past theatrics.  He simply did not live up to them.  If this had been the first time we saw the little guy throw them thangs down?  NASTY.  But he has done better in the past.  Congrats to the 3-time champ, though.

So everyone calm down.  Sure, it was a down year, but this thing will be back.  It’s all about finding the right person, at the right time, so a little bit of luck will always be involved.  Maybe it will be the inclusion of some hungry-ass D-Leaguer or college guy, or maybe even a current NBAer we are not even thinking about.

Chuckisms Of The Night:

“Why don’t we put a deer in the dunk contest, then?”

Responding to Kenny Smith’s repeated declaration that athletes win dunk contests.  And this whole time, we thought day laborers won dunk contests.

“When one of your friends shows up white when he’s a black, I mean you gotta take that personally, don’t you?”

Speaking on Sammy Sosa.  Hilarious.

While Cheryl MIller was announcing the winner of the Dunk In, in, let’s just say, a very exuberant manner, Barkley started to talk, not realizing he was on the mic.  He did not finish his thought, but we are pretty sure he was about to clown Cheryl.  The Chuckster’s Manifest Destiny was almost complete.

Finally, during the All-Star game pre-game show, he let Ernie, Mark Cuban and David Stern for talking so much about the upcoming labor negotiations.  Tell ‘em why you mad, Chuck!

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Hey Gallo, so you liked that Israeli Salad I served you up a few days ago?  Well, how about some labneh, borekas and a halvah sampler this time?  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST AND PAY FOR THE SINS OF MUSSOLINI!

Announce-In Of The Night:

Forget the boooorrrrrrr-iinng Dunk-In during the Rookie Challange, how about the “Announce-In” betwen Dwight Howard, Nate Robinson and Pau Gasol — all guest announcers during the game.  Howard started off as a seeming natural — he has announcer-talk down pat, and provides comic relief with his impersonations (he did Stan Van Gundy and Barkley) and nicknames (calling James Harden Mose and describing one of his made 3’s as “parting the net”).  However, he ended up sounding like a video game announcer with VERY limited recorded phrases, repeating the same things over and over and over and over again.  Then Robinson (our winner) got on the M-I-C and really brought the players perspective with some good Xs-and-Os talk and specific insight on players.  Pau was good too though, especially describing the specifics of day-to-day life playing as a European pro and the differences in high school level ball and players.

Trade Of The Night:

Dallas gets:

Caron Butler
Brendan Haywood
DeShawn Stevenson
Cash

Washington gets:

Josh Howard
Drew Gooden
Quinton Ross
James Singleton

Pretty easy to break this down.  Dallas gets tougher and deeper for the stretch run, and the Wizards start their second firesale of the past 10 years.  We do not know if this is enough to position the Mavs as a clear challenger to the Lake Show, but it sure looks nice on paper.  Haywood gives you outstanding interior D, as well as the ol’ Carolina championship good luck charm that so many NBA teams have utilized in the past.  Tough Juice gives you another clutch player that can create their own shot.

Terry Lewis and Jimmy Jam ARE All-Star Weekend… Rick Fox and Nancy Lieberman = unstoppable tandem…  DRIZZY!  ESPN put him on the track, but didn’t let him sing the hook!  Use your stars, ESPN!… Terrence J should be banned from life…  Just when you thought it was not possible, Craig Sager next-leveled it during the Rookie Challenge with that carpet/curtain/upholstery/wallpaper combo suit…  Ricky Rubio’s name came up during the Rookie game, and damn — regardless of how good he is night in and night out, he is going to be INSANE in the Rookie Game… Chris Kaman IS All-Star Weekend!… Brandon Jennings brings back the Gumby, and shockingly, Kevin McHale had never heard the term.  Robert Parish wasn’t rocking that back in the day?…  Why exactly was there a random guy at the Rookie Game, court-side, wearing a horned Viking helmet?…  Dang, Brook Lopez is even angry in All-Star games!… Dwight Howard makes the Guinness Book Of World Records for “Longest Seated Shot” — He made one sitting down from 3/4 court!… As annoying as Reggie Miller is, DAMN he tries hard.  You cannot say he doesn’t get into it.  We could not help but think it was hilarious how obsessed he was with JerryVision… Want to buy some DVDs?   Aaaeeeeeeeeee!…  If anything, Usher needs to give his PANTS more.  What’s up with all his Capris?  Leather Capris?  Really?… Was Will Ferrell in the Canadian Tenors?…  It was hilarious to us, for some reason, when the camera panned to Tim Duncan during “O Canada”, following the obvious Nash and Bosh shots… We think Kevin McHale gets some sort of residuals every time he utters the phrase “Bully ball”…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

More than many recent seasons, little intrigue lies at the top of the NBA standings.  Some combo of the East’s Ceatles/Cavs/Magic and the West’s Lakers/Spurs will meet in the Finals.  Ok, we will be lenient and throw the Nuggets and Mavs in there as well.  So if all you care about is the results at the top, come back in time for the Playoffs.  But for the true NBA heads, it’s all about the journey.  Welcome to the trip guide for that journey, the 2009-2010 L.O.N. Season Preview, questions-style — word to A Tribe Called Quest, Common and Mos Def.

1)  What have you missed most about the NBA?  Is it hard to get excited about the NBA when you are not excited about your team?

Not when you have…

Ralph Lawler… Big Baby Davis jokes… Rajon Rondo roller skating jokes… J.R. Smith… LeBron James triple-doubles… check that, ALL triple-doubles… EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!! moments… beautiful lefty jump shots… Jeff Van Gundy… C-WEBB, GP AND AHMAD RASHAD!  Our main men…  T.J. Ford… Anthony Parker finally able to showcase his sick professionalism on a national stage as the new shooting guard for the Cleveland Cavs… Derrick Rose… The crazy number of lineup combos Dallas can throw out, the coach and statistical-based staff that can dream those combos up and an owner just crazy enough to support the whole process… THE BIRDMAN!!!…  Joe Dumars best signing of the off-season — bringing back Chucky Atkins so now we can rejoice when Mason shouts out: “CHUCKY-CHUCKY Atttttttttt-kins”… The pure excitement of Anthony Randolph’s spontaneity and on-the-court recklessness… The electricity sparked every time Jonny Flynn takes the floor…  Shaun Livingston…

2)  What is the L.O.N. Pre-Season Top 10 League Pass Ranking?

#1 — Denver — Basketball debauchery in the flesh — J.R. Smith is the human embodiment and Denver is the team embodiment.  While losing a bit of fun with the departure of Linas Kleiza, they gained a facilitator of debauchery in Ty Lawson.  With Chauncey Billups and Melo making sure things stay fun in the win column, the Nuggets are the best combination of winning and entertainment in the League today.

#2 — Oklahoma City –  As the evolution of Kevin Durant continues, we will be watching.

#3 — San Antonio — We are well known Spurs supporters and with Manu back in the mix and majorly hyped new pieces in Richard Jefferson, Antonio McDyess and DeJuan Blair, we gotta see what kind of team Pop can make out of these guys.  And how about those seemingly minor moves to fill out the bench?  We can see Keith Bogans and Theo Ratliff playing important roles in spurts this season.

#4 — Cleveland — We love Shaq.  We love LeBron.  But do we love Shaq and LeBron?  Time to find out.

#5 — Los Angeles Lakers — What?  Did we just say that?  Choosing to listen to Joel Meyers?  Well, at least they are a part of many national broadcasts.  We cannot help it.  This thing could explode and we want to be there when it does.  If all else fails, we have the Official Player Of L.O.N. to enjoy — Lamar Odom.

#6 — Golden State — A crazy coach leading a crazy cast of characters playing a crazy brand of basketball.  We love it.

#7 — Washington — We missed Gilbert last year and want to see him back at full strength.  But if there is no Gilbert, this team drops out of these rankings in a hurry.  If he can stay on the court, he becomes the centerpiece of a surprisingly deep roster.  This team can do some things.

#8 — Chicago — Derrick Rose.

#9 — Atlanta — We love J-Creezy and we are going to love finally seeing him in the Playoffs.  You might even be able to convince us that this team could theoretically move themselves up in the Eastern Conference hierarchy.  Okay, did the East just get really deep?  Deeper than the West?  Deeper than rap?  RAAAWWWWWWSE.

#10 — Phoenix — If no one else is on, give us the uptempo team every time.

3)  Will Shaq and LeBron dominate the entire world this season?  What hi-jinx will they get in to?

This is perhaps the most discussed subplot and acquisition of the off-season.  However, the aspect that has been under-reported, is what this could mean for pre-game lineup intro rituals.  Last year Shaq’s Suns and LeBrons’s Cavs both produced highly entertaining intros game after game.  Now what happens when these forces unite?  Paul and John creating magic or Paul and John wrecking their team?  Tune in early for Cavs games and you just may catch a glimpse of their on-the-court fate.

4)  Is LeBron going to leave Cleveland?

No idea.  It all depends on what he envisions as his ultimate goal.  Win title-upon-title at all costs?  He signs the veteran’s minimum in San Antonio, Orlando or Portland.  Win the titles without sacrificing contract money, and a side order of major market power?  He joins the Clip Joint and teams with Eric Gordon, Boom Dizzle and Blake Griffin.  Hopefully, maybe win and become the hometown hero while maximizing your NBA money?  Cavs, holmes.  Take over the world, literally, with Jay-Z?  Hello, Brooklyn (maybe) Nyets.  Maximize your marketing prowess AND flirt with that oh-so-alluring season triple-double average in the Basketball Mecca?  He gets that New York State Of Mind and heads the high octane D’Antoni Knicks.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?  Tune in next summer to find out.  Sorry in advance for all of the endless speculation between now and then.

5)  Will LeBron repeat his 2008-09 MVP campaign?  Can he keep improving at basketball?

He definitely can keep improving, and there is no reason to think he will not.  The MVP award is notoriously political and fickle, though, and there is no guarantee he will get the award even if he puts up the best numbers (which he will).  But as long as Steve Nash has more MVPs than LeBron, Kobe and Shaq (1 each) the award remains an absolute joke.

6)  Tell us about LeBron vs. Braylon.  If they both called you and lobbied for you to take their side, whom would you roll with?  Did LeBron secretly stage this whole thing to send Braylon out to scout NY ahead of time?

All we’ll say is this — you cannot spell Braylon without L.O.N.

Now for the Tech Guy’s (a noted Michigan alum) commentary on the situation:  “I would’ve punched his chump friend, too.  He’s probably an Ohio State fan.”

7)  Why does Shaq hate Kobe so much and does he still?

Well… because Kobe is Kobe.  Ha!  But seriously, they play nice in public, but we are pretty sure the hate, or at least animosity, tension, whatever you want to call it, still brews beneath the surface.  But even if it’s not hate, there is most certainly a competition when it comes to career titles.  With both having legit shots at that 5th ring this year, the rivalry is alive and well.  The NBA powers that be would absolutely love a Lakers/Cavs Finals pitting these two (oh, and some guy named LeBron) against each other.

8)  Did L.O.N. C.E.O. Shannon Booher get any training camp invites after dunking on and injuring L.O.N. Head of Sales, Bread Costello?

Unfortunately the Head of Sales used his diabolical influences to immediately confiscate and destroy the grainy home video of this occasion.  Without this key piece of evidence, GMs just weren’t willing to roll the dice on the self-described “poor man’s mix of Steve Blake and Larry Hughes.”

9)  Who will be the Rookie Of The Year?

Blake Griffin.  (Uh oh… the Clippers Curse struck 1 day before the season opened.  Griffin will miss around 6 weeks with a knee injury.  It’s a wide open R.O.Y. race, now).

The best rookie on a contender?

Ty Lawson.

The most invisible rookie?

Ricky Rubio.  Many tears have been shed in the L.O.N. offices over the Rubio Debacle.

Most likely to regret leaving school early?

Stephen Curry.  Even if breaks out of his J.J. Redick-like preseason performance/shooting slump, the mess of a team he ended up on will have him dreaming of Davidson.

Most likely to choke his coach or be a dark horse candidate for R.O.Y.?

Brandon Jennings.  He and Scott Skiles seem like a match made in hell, but if everything works out, he could push 40 minutes a game.  It is a sink or swim like Phelps situation.

10)  If Jim O’Brien deploys Indiana’s “White Out” lineup of Travis Diener, Mike Dunleavy, Jr., Troy Murphy, Tyler Hansbrough and Jeff Foster, will Larry Bird retire on the spot?

Yes, his legacy fulfilled, he will immediately throw his button-up into the crowd and calmly walk out of the arena.

11)  As good as he is, is Kevin Durant the next Allen Iverson?

First of all, is that supposed to be an insult?  A.I. is one of the greatest human beings to ever play the game of basketball.  Period.  End of discussion.  Given his size, he is also right up there in the “pound-for-pound” greatest to ever play discussion.  Second of all, given their vastly different body types and play styles, this question almost sounds like the result of an NBA Mad Lib book.  We will humor our reader, though, and break it down.

Despite different, and even opposing, strengths, there is no question both guys possess singular offensive talent — both can flat out score.  Iverson’s abilities come in such a unique package, though, that only one coach and team has been able to harness those abilities into a successful team structure.  It seems Durant fits a little better into the traditional team structure, although even he has already changed positions once (from shooting guard to small forward).  In addition, both guys’ teams suffered losing seasons in their first couple campaigns.  A.I. turned that around in year 4, and has generally stayed on the winning side of things ever since.  It remains to be seen if and when Durant can make that same turnaround.  Perhaps their biggest similarity is the debate of whether or not each improves his teammates on the court.  Despite his ridiculous individual talent, and high assist numbers, A.I. has been roundly criticized for not making his teammates better over his career.  In recent weeks, Kevin Durant has faced similar heat, in a debate centering around his adjusted plus-minus numbers.  This is an interesting similarity, but we stand on the side of things that says these numbers will reverse for KD.  Because he has shown a burning desire to improve each and every year and he is backed by an extremely competent GM, we think he is going to get better, his team is going to get better, and therefore his APM will get better.

So bottom line, are there subtle similarities between these two sublime stars?  Certainly.  Are the similarities strong enough to call KD “the next A.I.”?  A resounding no.  Enjoy each and every minute of these two guys on the court, though, as they truly display two vastly different methods to accomplish the same goal on the basketball court — score the ball.

12)  Who are the Mailroom Supervisor’s most missed/most anticipated H.O.N.nies?

Gilbert Arenas, Tayshaun Prince, Dwyane Wade, Amare Stoudemire and Baron Davis.  But Baron, she says, is on notice with that Kimbo Slice beard he’s rocking.

13)  Who got the best new tattoo in the off-season?

Let’s start with what we know.  DeShawn Stevenson really had a lot of time on his hands, adding an Abe Lincoln portrait surrounded by 5’s on his neck, a backwards Pittsburgh Pirates “P” and a Frankenstein-esque cracked forehead.  We cannot really support any of those.  We could maybe roll with Abe if he had not cheapened it with the 5’s.

Watching Birdman during the pre-season, it looks like he also went back to the ink lab this off-season to spend some of his new millions.  He was already nearly covered up, but it looks like he filled in a lot more color and added a blue bird in the same neck area as DeShawn’s Abe.

Michael Beasley is also confirmed as getting a new tat, but unfortunately he drew more attention for the potential drug paraphernalia in the picture.  Let’s stay focused on the tat though — pretty ridiculous.  We are not sure if the whole back is new, or just the “Supercool Beas” part, but either way… not good.  At least it will be covered up most of the time.

So we are not ready to hand out praise quite yet, as we need to get more info on this always developing story.

14)  Are there any uniform changes to talk about?

ESPN Page2’s Paul Lukas always breaks this down the best, so go there for full detail.  Really, that piece is awesome.  We could look at NBA uniforms, logos and patches all day.  And a link showing all 30 teams’ arena floor layouts?  Awesome juice.

Here are the highlights:

–What in the world is Charlotte thinking?  Their primary unis have gone from lovably bad to terribly horrific.  And hide the women and children from that NASCAR alternate.

–Memphis added a shimmery third alternate.  Looks like somebody found one of A.I.’s old Denver jerseys hanging around and threw a Memphis on it.

–Houston has created a new version of their previously ill ketchup and mustard joints as an alternate.  Love it.

–Thankfully, Philly is going back to their traditional Independence Day red, white and blue color scheme.

15)  Does anyone have faith in Joe Dumars anymore?

Yes — you (the Unpaid Intern), the Mailroom Supervisor, and about 3 of Dumars’ distant family.

16)  Do the Pistons have a chance this year?

A chance at…

…having the most guaranteed money coming off the bench?  Yes.
…benching the best point guard on the team to start Joe Dumars’ “guy”?  Yes.
…having a “Boulevard Of Broken Dreams” remix painting featuring their center committee of Ben Wallace, Kwame Brown and Chris Wilcox?  Yes.
…making the Playoffs?  Yes.
…winning the Title?  Yes… if they trade for Memo!  They still have not been the same since he left.

17)  Are they going to miss ‘Sheed?

No doubt.  He was the missing piece that put them over the top for their 2004 title.  Hopefully the fans remember and appreciate that contribution.  And if ya’ll thought ‘Sheed was inconsistent and lacked focus… hello, Charlie Villanueva!

18)  Will ‘Sheed make a huge difference in Boston?

That is up to him.  The Ceatles certainly could have used him LAST year, given KG’s knee problems.  If used properly this year, maybe he can help keep KG healthy for the stretch run.  If the other Ceatles stay healthy (big if), and ‘Sheed is hungry, he will be a beast of a missing piece for them.  We think that is exactly what will happen, since the other Celtic vets can create an environment of peer accountability that simply did not exist on last year’s splintered Detroit team.  Looks like a little bit more will be expected out of him straight from jump, as Big Baby apparently injured his thumb fighting a former college teammate!  Yeah, we said we missed Big Baby jokes, now let them flow!

19)  Can Lamar Odom, um, keep up with the Kardashians?

It is easy to point out the increasingly circus-like atmosphere surrounding the Lake Show.  Lamar marries Khloe Kardashian, Ron Artest brings his three-ring circus to town, Andrew Bynum continues to be mercurial at best, etc., etc.  But what if Lamar’s marriage centers him and brings out the best in him?  What if Ron Artest’s eccentricities lighten the mood and tension of a grueling 100 game season?  What if Andrew Bynum is able to fully spreadshis wings now that he is out from underneath Kareem’s shadow?  What if this is just the challenge Phil Jackson needs to get the most out of this squad?

Uhhhhh, no.  We see implosion.  No repeat.  Forget the shenanigans, they just plain got worse talent wise, on the court.

20)  And while we are in the gossip pages… L.O.N.’s resident Legal Counsel asks:  How will blind items factor into this season?

With all the highly publicized non-blind off-the-court drama over the past year (Dirk scammed by his girlfriend, Lamar and Khloe, Mike Beasley goes Amy Winehouse, E-City nudity allegations, Starbury and UStream, A.I.’s gambling blow ups), there has to be a treasure trove of this stuff out there.  Michael Jordan could have a tabloid dedicated solely to him that would challenge anything else out on the market!  As the sports world blurs more and more into the entertainment world, blind items and gossip in general will become a bigger and bigger part of the NBA.  And who is to say that is a bad thing?  It could fit under the old adage of “any publicity is good publicity.”

21)  He looked like he got it all working in the Playoffs last year — is this Melo’s year?

Did he get it all working in the Playoffs last year?  Sure he looked great in the first two series, but he disappeared a bit in their loss to the Lakers.  On top of that, there are already a lot of naysayers that do not think the Nuggets can match last year’s season.  So Melo still has a lot to prove, but we do think he will do it.  Maybe he can even swoop in and become one of those “it’s his turn” MVP winners.

22)  Will Darko come to life under Mike D’Antoni?  Say he will.

Okay, he will.

23)  Will Yi make China forget about Yao?

He will.

24)  Will Yao ever play again?

He will.

The answer to at least one of those last three questions was a lie.

25)  What do you think about this?  http://www.nba.com/enebea/

Global domination, baby.  The NBA, led by David Stern, has consistently been the best amongst the American sports leagues at spreading his brand worldwide.

26)  Carlos Boozer or Paul Millsap?

So the question is whiny Dookie or hard-working country boy?  Hard-working country boy all day ereday.  We are just mad Millsap could not get out of Utah with them matching the offer sheet he signed with Portland.

27)  Have we really seen the last of Starbury?

On an NBA court?  Yeah, looks like it.  On a social media site near you or plotting a Dr. Evil-style worldwide takeover in a boardroom somewhere?  No, sir.

28)  Who should have retired that did not?

Reggie Miller.

29)  Who is the worst person in the NBA?

Well, by extension… REGGIE MILLER!

30)  Who is the #1 fantasy basketball player?

In any and all formats — H2H, Roto, Keeper, whatever it is, LeBron James is your man.  Okay, maybe in an auction the price can get too high, but after last year’s 78% from the charity stripe, the man has no fantasy weakness.  And who is to say his stats cannot increase across the board?  His tendency towards elevating his game gives him the nod over CP3.

31)  What was the worst off-season move?

Based on early returns, we have to go with Portland’s signing of Andre Miller.  Maybe things will still come together as the season plays out, but as of right now it smacks of desperation salary cap spending.  Just save the space!  Use it in a trade, or in next year’s off-season!

32)  What is the worst contract in the League?

For contracts that carried over from last year, it is hard to see much good in Baron Davis’ and Elton Brand’s based on last year’s performance, but the absolute worst is Zach Randolph’s killer deal that will pay him $33 million over this year and next.  That is a major problem when no team with Randolph on it will ever win anything.  That is a literal and figurative elephant in the room.

For contracts signed over the summer, Cleveland signed Anderson Varejao to $50 million over 6 years!?!?!?!?!!  Wow.  That is way more than Birdman’s and more than Paul Millsap’s, just to name two comparable players.  It is well within the realm of possibility that LeBron and Shaq are not on the Cavs roster next season, leaving Varejao as their 2nd highest paid player behind Mo Williams.  Mo and Andy will not exactly recall great point guard/power forward tandems like Stocktontomalone or Payton/Kemp.  Players like Varejao come around the block.  Often.  Why lock yourself in to a monster deal like that?

33)  Greg Oden — fact or fiction?

Wow, you are really bringing out the tough ones now.  Uhhhh… facmaictionact?  He looked great in the pre-season, and we want him to succeed, but we along with everyone else, feel like the world will get it’s usual healthy serving of Ghostface Przybilla this season.  Sorry, Greg it is show and prove time.

34)  Which team could be a sleeper this year?

We do not think any team will sneak up into title contention (although we sorta talked ourselves into Atlanta and Washington having deep, deep sleeper status), but some sleeper playoff teams include:  the Clip Joint, OKC, and Milwaukee (if healthy, their defense and grind it out style will make them the team other teams hate to play against in regular season).

35)  What is the most boring team that no one should care about?

Whuuuuuuuut?  No such thing.  Every team has something awesome about it.

36)  How much would L.O.N. pay to have a Dirty Jerse Nyet come to their office Holiday Party?

Not $25k like the organization is asking, but to determine our actual price, we would need to know the answers to the following questions:

Is Devin Harris coming as himself, or a-alike Ludacris?  Will Rafer Alston resurrect the And-1 bus and bring all the And-1ers?  Is Courtney Lee bringing the rest of her hot friends?  Is Sean Williams bringing his, um, party favors?  Is Terrence Williams wearing the Sponge Bob pants and Barbie backpack?  Will Brook Lopez bring the comics and ice cream sundaes?  Damn, now that we think about it, that’s an eclectic bunch.  Maybe $25k is not so crazy after all.

37)  What will Rowan Jura Booher’s title be as the newest employee in the L.O.N. offices?

So far he is filling multiple roles such as L.O.N. Mascot, L.O.N. Freeloader and L.O.N. Official Burper.  We are going to let him try his hand at various tasks around the office and see what he likes best.

38)  I do not have a clever question, but please say something about Orlando.

Local boy traded to hometown team and rejuvenates them?  Chauncey Billups or Vince Carter?  A couple of problems with that comparison — Vinsanity is not quite a true hometown hero in Orlando like Smooth is in Denver and Orlando is nice and juvenated already.  They were in the Finals last year.  Vince comes to town facing major expectations, which has not always worked well with him.  The difference this year is he has a big time supporting cast.  Still, in order to be the hero he has to help them to a title and we do not think the Magic have it in them.

39)  So who will win the title?

Cavs over Spurs in 7.  LeBron gets #1 win and Shaq wins the race to 5.
As seen on SLAMOnline:

Okay, whoever you are out there, PUT THE BRANDAN WRIGHT VOODOO DOLL DOWN!!!… Eddie Jordan back in the hizzle… We really, really, really hope Delonte West is getting all the help and support he needs… FREE RASHAD MCCANTS!!!… Adding another overpowering personality to the roster WILL NOT help Mike Conley in Memphis.  And maybe the only thing that could ever help him at this point is reuniting him with Greg Oden… How is Chris Duhon still the starting point guard for the team that arguably needs a good point guard the most?…  There are new rims this year.  Who knew?…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 36 points, 13 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Sure, the Detroit Pistons’ wives, girlfriends and children would have put up a better fight in this series, but Bron’s output is nonetheless historic.  He joined Oscar Robertson and Larry Bird as the only players to ever average 30 ppg, 10 rpg and 7 apg in a post season series.  You’re all welcome.

Worst Of The Night:

The other Spurs:

Matt Bonner, Drew Gooden, Roger Mason, Kurt Thomas, Ime Udoka — a combined 0-15 from the floor

That’s horrid.  And if those guys failed, then Michael Finley got a D- with his 2-6 performance.  Probably the most disappointing of these guys is Mason, he of the regular season hype.  If the Spurs hope to do the impossible, we’re guessing these guys will need to hit at least one shot in Game 5.

Fat Lever Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 25 points, 11 boards, 11 assists, 2 steals

Kenny Smith verbalized the Fat Lever comparison, and Rondo put down the nasty statline.  But despite the brilliant game, did he end up preventing a win with that pull up J at the end of OT 1?  Even if Doc called the play for him, he needs to get into the lane, and not pull up for a 22-foot J.  Or better yet, ignore the coach and get the ball into the hands of the guy that keeps hitting clutch shot after clutch shot — Ray Allen.

Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — 23 points, 11 boards, 9 assists

A few days ago we put Courtney Lee at the top of the Playoff rookie pack.  We’re sorry, Mr. Rose.  The crown is yours.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 18 points, 18 boards, 3 blocks, 1 steal

The stat line looks dominating, but you couldn’t really tell it during the game.  The Magic barely eeked by the Sixers on a game-winning 3 by the Turkish Michael Jordan.  This series is up for grabs.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Atlanta Hawks — 78 points vs. Miami

The team was terrible on Saturday, but we really want contracted is Coach Hootie’s ridiculous goatee.

Detroit Pistons — 78 points vs. Cleveland

Good gracious… put these cats out of their misery.  The Pistons performance this season can only be described as sad and depressing.

Question Of The Night:

Prior to a free throw on Saturday in N’Awlins, what could have made both ‘Melo and Peja laugh, simultaneously?  Do we need a buddy copy movie starring those two?

I.  Will.  Not.  Lose.  Of The Night:

Kobe Bryant — 38 points, 6 boards, 2 steals, 1 assist

The Kobster wasted no time in Game 4.  Early in the first quarter he started systematically ripping the heart out of each and every member of the Jazz organization, taking a bite out of it, then throwing it on the court and stomping on it.  Not sure if Phil Jackson yelled:  “FINISH HIM!!!” in the midst of this.

Really Ryan Hollins?  Come on, settle down… What is wrong with the New Orleans crowd?  Awesome participation in the t-shirt promotion, sure, but the place sounded like a library… Nice to see Travis Outlaw join the Playoff festivities finally… Did the NBA actually murk the Playoffs marketing game this year?  Kanyeezy?  The slow-mo orchestra joints?  Never thought amazing would happen in the NBA marketing offices…