L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 33 points, 14 assists, 7 boards, 4 steals

He played Pau Gasol and the entire Lakers D like a fiddle down the stretch.  One largely overlooked aspect of the recent “clutch” debate is that Paul is underrated in regards to clutch play.  He showed just how good he is in that phase of the game on Sunday, in a major way.  Kobe didn’t get a chance to add to his side of the argument one way or the other, as the Lakers were essentially already out of it in the final minutes.  However, he did show reason #4080 why he should not take those ridiculous double-teamed hero fadeaway jumpshots — he might get injured by the crowd (Yeah, we know he made it.  Irrelevant.  #resultsainteverything).

Line Of The Night Honorable Mention:

Derrick Rose — 39 points, 6 assists, 6 boards, 3 blocks, 1 steal

Right when it seemed like the Pacers were almost young, dumb and just not giving a whut enough to pull this thing out, they showed that they were too young, too dumb and too not giving a whut.  They scored 1 point in the last 3-and-a-half minutes, and Rose brought that thang home.  Slow down son, you’re killin’ ‘em!

Worst Of The Night:

ESPN/ABC’s Playoffs music intro — We are not linking too it because we like our readers.  A Led Zeppelin cover band?  Nicole Scherzinger?  Huh?  C’mon ABC/ESPN.  There are more MC’s than dollars in the US deficit spitting NBA lyrics in their bars, and ya’ll still have not embraced Hip-Hop?  Disgraceful.

Near Ice Cube AKA Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 10 points, 9 assists, 9 boards

Nice line, but we want is more of Ray Allen’s mom.  Ray Allen’s mom introduced with the starting lineups.  Cuts to Ray Allen’s mom after every one of his 3’s.  Ray Allen’s mom interviews at the end of every quarter.  Ray Allen’s mom interviewing HERSELF at the end of every quarter.  RAY.  ALLEN’S.  MOM!!!!!!
Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 46 points, 19 boards, 1 block, 1 assist

Gooooood lawd!  As good as he was, that is how bad his teammates (not named Jameer Nelson) were, on offense.  And these aren’t playoff newbies.  We are talking Hedo.  Jason Richardson.  Gilbert Arenas.  The list goes on.  Those guys won’t be as bad next game, but Howard probably won’t be as good, either.  The Hawks have at least established that they are not going out like they did last year.  No brooms here.

Near Beast Of The Night II:

Marcus Camby — 18 boards, 5 assists, 4 points, 2 blocks

Everybody’s upset pick ended up being one of the few series that held form during the opening weekend, despite Camby doing his thing.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Allow me to re-introduce myself, my name is STAT/
S-T-A-T/
I used to dunk oops Steve Nash threw me/
I guess even back then you could call me/
Top chef of the breakfast club, STAT!/
Straight out of N-Y into the playoff fire/
I be the, Knicks #1 breakfast supplier/
Greasier than the plate of breakfast on my tray/
I got the smallest Boston O’Neal yelling my name/
That’s right, STAT/
Not D-O-C, but similar to them letters, no one can do it better/
I serve eggs and bacon like a struggling actress/
My homey ‘Melo told J-O, dude EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!
So that’s what you’re gonna do/
Take it back to Grover get his approval/
Fast forward to clean plate removal/
Let me tell you what I do to C’s old as pops/
Dunk on you cats like dunk contest props.

Injuries Of The Night:

Manu Ginobili, non-shooting elbow — This is the big one.  With the Spurs now down 0-1 to the Grizzlies, they need to get it done now.  He was begging to play Sunday, so we are betting he is out there next game as the Spurs try to even this one up.  The Spurs had Game 1 almost in the bag, got good looks, but did not knock them down.  Manu might change that up a taste.

Chauncey Billups, strained knee — The Knicks battled the C’s to the end in Game 1, but if Chauncey can’t play going forward?  Lights out.

Arron Afflalo, hamstring — The Nuggets struggled mightily in end of the game situations, and Afflalo was a guy that was starting to show signs of clutchness during the regular season.  He could have a huge impact on their series against OKC if he can get out there on the court.  Raymond Felton has the mentality of a clutch dude, just not quite the skill level required.

Shaq O’Neal, calf — Does it matter?  He had to eat his breakfast, but Jermaine O’Neal definitely came up big for the C’s in Game 1.  There is no team with a center match-up requiring Shaq’s services until a potential Finals matchup, so there is really no rush here.  Stop talking about his return as if it’s the key to end of the face tattoo scourge.

Aaron Gray, ankle — That was a nasty freeze frame.  Chris Paul named him his MVP of the Hornets’ Game 1 upset of the Lake Show, and he provides much needed size against the Lakers’ huge frontline.  If Pau Gasol keeps playing like he did, though, they probably don’t need him.  But don’t count on that.

Story Checks Out (Word To Huff & Stapes) Of The Night:

Carlos Boozer?  M.I.A. in the Playoffs.

Jarrett Jack?  Playoff baller.

Denver?  No go-to scorer in the clutch.  And it cost them Game 1.

Andre Iguodala missed a Near Triple-Double because he only managed 4 points?  That’s Jason Kidd type stuff right there… Doc’s clipboard X’s and O’s?  Game tight…  Everywhere you look there is a dang dookie on the court, this off-season.  Danny Green, stand up… Not sure how informative or useful it is, but give us more of Kenny Smith standing in front of that life-size telestrator, becoming part of the replay… Monty Williams tie off, and it’s on to the next… Has Roy Hibbert shown enough to get Hakeem’s cellphone number for a little summer workout session action?…  Honorable mention Eat Your Breakfast goes to Nene on Ibaka.  Ibaka had sent back to me many other orders throughout the game to get on him to hard, though… Best believe the L.O.N. offices will have the Tyler Hansbrough steal/dunk “Champion Of The World!!!” celebration looped on the office big screen once we can get our hands on video that does it justice.  This is all we have so far… Hey, Frank Vogel — TIMEOUT!!!!… Hey, Nic Batum — PASS THE BALL!!!!… Hey, refs — STOP CALLING SO MANY FOULS!!!…

The NBA.  It’s Fan-tastic.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Ayo, why none of the L.O.N.’s ever have an intro?

We’ve heard the outcries.  “No All-Star coverage from L.O.N.?  What’s the dealie, dunn?”  We know, we know.  But on Sunday evening, as the All-Star Game commenced, disaster struck.  Devin Harris and Chris Bridges AKA Ludacris, who are actually the same person, converged upon the same location at the same time, causing a space/time continuum rift which resulted in the complete destruction of the L.O.N. offices.  No staffers were injured, but equipment was lost.  We’re back, but to recover, we underwent the complete Hamiltonization Process, plus about 18 more mixtapes your boy Charles Hamilton has dropped.  So without further ado, we present L.O.N. — HamiL.tO.N.ized.  It’s Charles HamiL.tO.N.

Line Of The Night A.K.A. Toy Story Of The Night:

Sebastian Telfair — 30 points, 8 assists, 1 board, 1 steal

That’s a career night.

“Unfair, hell yeah, I’m lookin’/At Brooklyn, I’m Telfair”, Charles Hamilton, “Toy Story”, Crash Landed

Brooklyn Girls Of The Night AKA The L Word Of The Night AKA Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

LeBron James — 20 points, 9 boards, 9 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Just know this — Charles has already made the move from Cleveland to the Big Apple.  Although the proposed Brooklyn move for the Nets may be dead, the idea was fun while it lasted.  The Brooklyn girls (and boys) are the real losers, since The King is probably gonna be balling out in 2010 regardless of his destination.

Sonic The Hamilton Of The Night AKA Near Beast Of The Night:

Al Horford — 18 points, 18 boards, 4 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

This is what happens when the opposing team has a 2 guard (Spencer Hawes) masquerading as a center.

Crash Landed Of The Night AKA Contraction Club Of The Night:

T-Dot-O — 76 points vs. Cleveland

Jay Triano:  “Shawn — you are supposed to help YOUR team’s offense, and defend the OTHER guys.”  Shawn:  “Oh, really?  Thought it was reversed in Canada.  You know, how the toilet spins the other way in Australia?”

The Raptors do like Charles said, and Stay On Their Level, in Shawn Marion’s debut.

Well Isn’t This Awkward Of The Night:

Welcome back, Tyson.  After failing his physical due to an old toe injury, the trade that would have sent Mr. Chandler to OKC to team with Kevin Durant and the boys was rescinded.  Ironically, OKC’s team doctor that made this ruling, was the same guy that originally performed the surgery on Chandler’s toe.  He hasn’t played recently due to an ankle injury, but if he can come back from that this season, the Hornets can still do some damage.  The seemingly unstoppable Chris Paul to Chandler oop combo is back in full effizzect.

Tyson had this to say, speaking to reporters in the Crescent City:

“Hated or not I am great and I’m about to get/Greater, hit the pager (Peja) like I play with Stojakovic”  (Charles Hamilton, “Brooklyn Girls”, Crash Landed)

Then he proceeded, staring directly at owner George Shinn as the word “traitor” dropped from his lips:

“Baby girl I’m ballin’/Kinda like the Lakers/If you a traitor like Shaq then see ya later, player” (Charles Hamilton, “Brooklyn Girls”, Crash Landed)

Not-So-Pleasant Overthinking Of The Night:

Amar’e Stoudemire — 42 points, 11 boards, 1 assist

Steve Kerr:  “Ok, guys, check this out.  Now that I have Matt Barnes and J-Rich who ran together in Nellieville to team with Steve Nash who won 2 M.V.P.’s in an uptempo system and Amar’e Stoudemire who rose to prominence in said system and has never known of defense, let’s slow it down and go hard on D.”  [Silence and the pall of death descend upon the Phoenix metropolitan area]

My Brain Is Alive Of The Night:

Steve Kerr:  “Ok, I think I figured it out, guys.  Now that I have Matt Barnes and J-Rich who ran together in Nellieville to team with Steve Nash who won 2 M.V.P.’s in an uptempo system and Amar’e Stoudemire who rose to prominence in said system and has never known of defense, I think we should just keep running.  It probably fits our personnel the best, even with the addition of Shaq.”  PHX 140, LAC 100.  PHX 142, LAC 119.

truth kills opposition (Love TKO) Of The Night:

“Sonic, my team is where the good Shawn Kemp is”, Charles Hamilton, “truth kills opposition (Love TKO)”, My Brain Is Alive

Damn, remember when it all made sense?  Back when Seattle had a team?  Now we got a another non-plural team with a jibbing an jiving bison mascot that can’t dunk?  That’s a love TKO.

Every D-Wade Ex-Girlfriend’s Worse Nightmare Of The Night:

This is on some straight personal life gossip type ish that we probably shouldn’t even be talking about, but damn, it fit the theme way too well.  Check track #10 titled Siohvaughn:  During their divorce proceedings, D-Wade’s wife first accused him of giving her a STD that he had supposedly contracted during an extra-marital affair.  Now that accusation has been retracted, and D-Wade is counter suing for defamation.  Based on this MVP-level output, he’s for sure on some ol’ “the court is my sanctuary” type ish with all this off-court drama swirling.

The Death Of The Mixtape Rapper Of The Night AKA The Death Of The Braided Baller Of The Night:

Like K.G. said (and Chris Rock originally, then Jay, don’t act like we don’t know), first the Fat Boys break up, then Allen Iverson cuts his hair, now Ben Wallace!  Now that ‘Froed Ben Pistons bobblehead’s value is about to shoot through the roof.  On top of the hair cut, Big Ben experienced another cut, requiring 14 stitches after crashing his arm through a car window while playing street football.  He had this to say:

“The window didn’t bleed. I don’t think it was made to bleed. That (he didn’t make the catch) was the biggest disappointment,” Wallace said. “I dropped the ball. That’s good D.”

AND the Clippers cut Cheikh Samb — another braider.

Staff Development Of The Night:

It is trading season and even though Chris Wilcox and Joe Smith remain in Oklahoma, some deals did go down:

Lakers get:

A conditional 2nd Round 2013 pick

Memphis gets:

Chris Mihm
Cash Considerations

Just before hanging up the phone, Mitch Kupchak said to Chris Wallace, “Now we’re all square on that Pau Gasol rape last year, right?”

Chicago gets:

Brad Mizzle
John Salmons

Sacramento gets:

Ike Diogu
Drew Gooden
Andres Nocioni

Portland gets:

Michael Ruffin

So Chicago traded some mediocre guys for some different but still mediocre guys and the accountants in Portland and Sacramento are apparently happier.  Moving on.

Intervention Of The Night:

When Zach Randolph “shoved” (we say punched) Louis Amundson Tuesday night, it seemed like simply another knucklehead move from a career knucklehead.  He is a Spartan, after all.  But hey, Zach defended his actions because Louis “almost kissed me in my mouth”, so all is forgiven, right?  Well, maybe not, but like Guru said, “Actions have reactions, don’t be quick to judge/You may not know the hardships people don’t speak of”.  Never have these words been truer, as upon hearing about his 2-game suspension, Randolph immediately left for Indianapolis to be with his ailing father.  Hold your head, Z-Bo.

Injuries Of The Night AKA Outside Looking Of The Night:

It seemed like guys were dropping like flies on Wednesday.  T-Mac announced his season will be lost to the dreaded microfracture procedure, Danny Granger played only 10 minutes against the Bobcats before hearing (and probably feeling) a “pop” in his foot, and Philly felt the injury bug too with Dre Miller succumbing to a calf injury.  But have no fear, Brian Scalabrine should be back in green Thursday night.

Wishbones, Horseshoes, and Basketball AKA NBA-Tinged Lyrics Of The Night:

“And I am the mic(Mike), ya’ll some Pippen mo’erfuckas”, “Supersonic’s First Freestyle”, Death Of The Mixtape Rapper
“But I’m Bobby at Knight, so I choke her for fun/Better yet Sprewell when I’m choking the coach”, “Ambitions Of Musicians”, Crash Landed
“Rap MJ and I got that Game 6 handle”, “I’m Good (Bret Hart)”, It’s Charles Hamilton
“I Jordan leap to the sky”, “Psycho Bitch”, Well Isn’t This Awkward

He’s Charles Hamilton.  The inspiration.


I Go Crazy AKA NBA Gametime Of The Night:

“You can’t stand him, the kid is Gary Payton/I’m in L.A. but now I’m gonna move”, Charles Hamilton, “DJ Reflex Power 106 Freestyle”, Crash Landed

“Don’t get too enthusiastic, curb it quick/Larry David to you Gary Paytons/You ain’t really work for yours, but I’m sure you’re happy waitin’”, Charles Hamilton, “Supersonicevents”, Sonic The Hamilton

Dang, that’s harsh!  Well, even if GP didn’t “work for his” in Miami.  He is definitely working for his now.  GP AND C-WEBB ON THEIR JABBAWOCKEE GRIZZLY??!!?!?!!  Ridic.

Mike Miller JUST misses Near Triple-Double status with a 9/9/7, and the 7 was points?!?!?!?!… The Chuckster back in the house tomorrow night.  But did they really rob us the viewing opportunity of another awkward and serious Ernie Johnson/Charles Barkley isolated stool interview?  Seems like that interview already happened.  Air it!  The people need an explanation!.. Hell hath no fury like an Alvin Gentry scorned… Zoolander on the move?  Wally Sizzur benched for Tarence Kinsey.  A healthy scratch, per se…