L.O.N.

Andre 3 Stacks told us back in 1995 that “the South got something to say”.  That sure rang true as the 2nd Round began.  The Dirty Dirty South was definitely in the building with Memphis and Atlanta pulling off their surprising Game 1 upsets over Oklahoma City and Chicago, respectively.  Dallas and Miami are more South by geography than culture, but they held up their end of the bargain.  We’ll see if the South keeps talking.

Line Of The Night:

Joe Johnson — 34 points, 4 boards, 3 assists, 3 steals

Jamal Crawford — 22 points, 3 assists, 1 board, 1 steal, 1 block

Last night Chuck said he wished he could put Jamal Crawford’s brain in Joe Johnson’s body.  While we appreciate Barkley’s ruminations on brain-swapping — on of our favorite pasttimes — if they play like they did last night, they are the perfect fire & ice combo.  In fact, they meet one of Barkley’s other favorite scenarios.  To win a championship, he claims, you must have “That Dude” (Johnson) and a “Crazy Guy” (J-Creezy).

No doubt, Johnson was at the top of his game last night, with the perfect combination of efficiency and assertiveness.  While Creezy’s crazy is there every night, this type of game is not always what the Hawks get from Johnson.  OutKast went on to be one of the greatest Hip-Hop groups of all-time after Andre’s statement.  Only last night’s version of Joe Johnson can lead the Hawks to a similar post statement impact.

Worst Of The Night:

The Los Angeles Lakers blowing a 16-point 3rd quarter lead.

How did that happen?  Other than Dallas’ end of half mental gaffes, the Lakers seemed to be dominating on their own accord.  They seemed to be maximizing every offensive advantage their unique lineup provided.  They made Dallas look like Dirk and a bunch of mismatched one-way players.  Dallas lived on the perimeter, which is usually assured post-season death.  Then just like that, whether it be lost mental focus, or the genie going back in the bottle, the Lakers looked like a mess.  They were powerless to prevent the Mavs from slowly creeping back in.  With about 2:30 left, they had the ball, still up 3.  Their game, still, right?  But from then on, it was a string of bad possessions (other than Kobe’s final shot), largely due to some tremendous Dallas defense.  Mix in a couple breaks that went Dallas’ way, as well as some crazy shots from Dirk, and the Lakers found themselves in a familiar 0-1 deficit.

And is it a coincidence that Kobe’s two highest shot games this post-season have been the two Lakers Game 1 losses?  He looked outstanding in the 1st quarter, as he looked to but his imprint on the game and series, but as game clock wound, he maybe should have followed that 1st quarter output up with at least 1 assist.  Might have been the difference in this nailbiter.

Big Dirk Like Whut Of The Night:

Dirk Nowitzki — 28 points, 14 boards, 3 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

He played damn near flawless.  We could have done without that “fake tough guy” chicken wing he threw towards Artest, and there was one play in which he tried to finish at the rim in a hopelessly soft manner, but we cannot hate on his output.  Redirkulous.

Coach Of The Year Of The Night:

Tom Thibodeau received his Coach Of The Year award before the game last night.  After falling behind to the Hawks 0-1, he has to prove his worthiness all over again.  Larry Drew was like Hakeem Olajuwon after David Robinson won the 1995 MVP.  Drew was Dream Shakin’ on the chalkboard and dropping 50 in the huddle.  Now who’s coach of the year, Tom!

The Bulls did show one strategy change late in the game — trapping the ball as crossed halfcourt — that did prove at least bothersome to the Hawks.  All the coaching in the world won’t make Korver quicker than Teague, anyone capable of stopping some of those Johnson and Creezy shots, or heal Derrick Rose’s re-sprained ankle, but the Bulls have to come up with something better on offense.

Al Horford on the Hawks, Joakim Noah on the Bulls, Corey Brewer on the Mavs, and Taurean Green on the ???  Seems like some team out there fishing right now missed an auto-pass to the 2nd Round by not handing out a minimum contract to the fourth Gator… The Kings are back in Sacramento for at least one more year…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 27 points, 15 assists, 13 boards, 2 steals

This was the output we thought we were gonna get in Game 3.  Maybe it was “returning home” hangover or the Lakers’ focus, but Paul couldn’t put on his closer cape in that one, because the game was pretty much out of reach.  Game 4 was a different story.  Donning a GaGa-esque black bandage on his eye, the Hornets went back to a pick-and-roll emphasis, and we once again reveled in Heaven:  CP3 dancing and destroying whatever Lakers big man covered him following the pick-and-roll switch.  Oh so lovely.

Worst Of The Night:

Illadelph 76ers 86, Miami Heat 82 — Ya’ll let one get a way yesterday, Miami.  Not only was your season-long crunch time weakness once again exposed, but your 2nd round opponent, the Celtics, take care of business.  Ya’ll needed to keep the pressure on them, getting them back on the court ASAP.  Now you give the playoff team that probably values rest the most, a little more of that, as well as additional preparation time and maybe even enough time to get Shaq back in the picture.  Round 2 might be the virtual Eastern Conference Finals and maybe even the NBA Finals.  Ya’ll let one slip.

Worst Of The Night Part II:

The New York Knicks 1st Round performance.  We are not fully blaming them — the injuries were certainly out of there control — but overall, having the Knicks back in the Playoffs wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.  They were swept, and even Melo’s inspired Game 2 performance was overshadowed by the team’s comedy of errors down the stretch.  The crowd was even underwhelming in Game 4.  Ya’ll gotta will them out of that shotting funk, Garden!  If you are looking for a silver lining, at least they were the first playoff team featured in Inside The NBA’s “Gone Fishin’” segment!

Hollywood Ending Of The Night:

Brandon Roy — 24 points, 5 assists, 4 boards

The scene was so beautiful.  Fans going crazy.  The former superstar turned soul-searching injured bench warmer all of a sudden once again finding his stride.  He did not find it during practice following a standard rehab schedule.  He did not find it a few games into his return, after shaking off the rust.  He found it while swirling in maelstrom of desperation.  Individual desperation and team desperation was in full effect.  In the weeks, even days, even hours, prior, it looked like Roy had lost his game.  Lost his aura.  Another name on the too long list of stars failed by their bodies.  Meanwhile his team, the bandwagon pick to pull off a first round upset, was about as close as you can get to falling behind 3-1 with a trip back to the other team’s gym on the horizon.  Then he found it.  He probably could not explain it if he tried, but there it was.  The superstar game was back, resulting in 18 4th quarter points, a frenzied crowd, a Portland win and a tied series.  This may have been a one night experience, but if you can close your eyes and let the credits roll, it is an unforgettable Playoff snapshot.

Jamal Crawford — A Love Affair Of The Night:

It was a cold Ann Arbor winter night.  Or maybe a Sunday afternoon.  Kevin Gaines, Josh Asselin and maybe even Peter Vignier had kept it close, but they needed a little help from this tall, hockey stick-thin kid with wide eyes and ever wider range.  This guy not only lit you up with this crossover and J, but with his teenage smile.  On a team overrun with talent mediocrity and coaching ineptitude, he stood out like the rose that grew from concrete.  His name?  Jamal Crawford.  He came from overcast, rainy Seattle to overcast, snowy Ann Arbor with only a headband and a dream. He left with at least the eternal love of one fan, incepting memories that cannot be erased.

That day (or was it night?), he hit a game-winner.  He probably crossed up some poor Big 10 defender en route.  He definitely celebrated euphorically as ran to the opposite end of the court, hands in the air.  Maybe he hit a few more game-winners.  Maybe it just seems like that, but if you were there that night (or was it day?), a love affair was born.

He was gone too soon for us, probably too late for him.  The students that showed him love represented a university that was sinking into a pit of basketball rubble that would take years to excavate.  But if you were there, you did not forget.  You carried him with you.  The masses may have viewed him as a mere distraction to the 11-man and 6-man teams deemed more important on campus, but sitting right there in the 5th row, only feet away from the magic he created, you knew the truth.  From thousands of miles away, even when it appeared on the surface that maybe he had become lost in the abyss of lottery-bound NBA basketball, you knew the spark could not be completely extinguished.

That’s why we scream out J-Creezy, randomly, for no apparent reason.  That’s why after hitting a Playoff game-winner Friday night, and leading the Hawks in scoring for another Playoff win Sunday shouts of “CRIZZLES!” rang throughout the L.O.N. offices.  That’s why you can’t judge basketball by a boxscore alone, and why no two fans have quite the same opinion of any given player.  Basketball is an art.  A lot of guys have scored 25 this season.  Several have hit game-winners.  But none did it quite the same way J-Creezy did.

Explain It All Away Of The Night AKA (Valid?) Excuses Spurs Makes Of The Night:

Game 1 — One excuse, and one excuse only:   Manu was hurt.  Bottomline.

Game 3 — A Zach Randolph 3?  Darrell Who?  Marc Gasol shooting from where?  The Spurs missed a quadrillion open shots, were uncharacteristically careless with the ball (um, that means you, Tony Parker), failed to even get a potential game-tying shot off on the final possession, and generally played with their head in a fog all night.  All that said, the Grizz barely pulled it off.  We got this.

Sounds reasonable.  It has been one bad bounce after another for them, but at some point, the other team gets credit.  Game 4 will go a long way to show us which way the scale will tip.

Fab 5ism Of The Night:

Chris Webber speaking on Phil Jackson’s post-game comments:  “When I think of punk, I think of tall people letting little people do stuff to ‘em”

Real.  Talk.  The Lakers generally have a height advantage at every position against the Hornets.  It is pretty sick and very frustrating.  It almost seems unfair, but then they manage to lose the game.  Height ain’t heart, we guess.

Did the League rig the Pacers into the Playoffs to add a little hot sauce in the form of drama, to the first round?  Good lord they tried to give away that victory too… Usually championship teams don’t really have holes in their starting lineups.  The prosecution presents to you Exhibit A:  Keith Bogans… Has Ariza’s 3-point game regressed?… Same ol’ Nuggets… But, J.R. — we feel ya.  THAT WAS A FOUL!!!… Exhibit B:  Zydrunas Ilgauskas?… For the positive spin read above, but on the reals, that was a Dallas choke.  Or should we say, another Dallas choke.  We praised Dirk just a few days ago, but c’mon man.  Get it done… We love that each member of the C’s Big 4 lead the team in scoring in one of their games against the Knicks… Exhibit C:  Mike Bibby?… Gilbert tried to get on his Brandon Roy grind, but Stan Van ruined the final scene.  Give Gil the ball for the tie!… Emeka Okafor has not quite mastered that “Throw The Ball As Hard As I Can Against The Backboard” shot… We can see Hornets fans pulling out their Willie Green (missed a key free throw and decided to go for the score instead of running clock, in the crunch time) and Marco Belinelli (really, stop shooting) Voodoo dolls now… That Eastern Conference #1 seed is looking more advantageous by the day.  Is anybody threatened by either the Hawks or the Magic?…

CRIZZLES!!!!!

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Thanks to the readers that contributed.  Looks like the job crunch has finally led to attrition at the L.O.N. offices as only the Mailroom Supervisor, Legal Counsel and Potato Peeler managed to contribute.  That’s alright, because as Professor Phipps (okay, really Frederick Douglass) once said, “Without struggle, there is no progress.”  Or was that, “Pepper-mint,  Mr. Williams?”.  Whatever.

1)  What is the L.O.N. Pre-Season Top 10 League Pass Ranking?

#1 — Miami Heat.

#2 — Miami Heat.

#3 — Miami Heat.

Forget all that other off-season razzmatazz, we want to see them ball.  Will they run off an 81-1 season, or struggle to make it all work and lose the division to Orlando?  Or even third in the division behind the A-T-Liens as well?  People have not really been talking about the toughness of this division.  However it goes down, we are ready to see it.  And we think LeBron is going to be in 1000% beast mode all year so it’s going to be something to see.

#4 — OKC Thunder –  Kevin.  Durant.  We aren’t even all that high on Westbrook, but KD gets them must-watch status.

#5 — Clip Joint –  BLAKE GRIFFIN.  Year after year, we fall for the trick intrigue of the Clippers… but reports of Griffin in training camp have us falling right back in line.

#6 — Boston — Come on.  The Shaqtue?  We fell in love all over again with the Ceatles in last year’s Playoffs and we want more.  Shaq, Shrek and Donkey will make things interesting enough in the regular season, but with this team, it’s about May and June.  And you hear it every year about various players, but if Kevin Garnett really “has his spring back”…

#7 — San Antonio Spurs –  You know what it is.  Bias.  We ain’t trying to lie.  Hide your wife, hide your kids.

#8 — New York Knicks –  It’s time to see basketball that matters again in the Garden.  We are not even sure that will happen, but if it blows up, the train wreck might be just as entertaining.  And we have a soft spot for Ray Felton.  And the Legend Of Timofey Mozgov.  And Anthony Randolph.

#9 — Milwaukee Bucks — Can they keep it going from last year?  Will Drew Gooden and Corey Maggette drive Scott Skiles absolutely insane?  Mostly, we have not yet gotten our fill of Brandon Jennings, and there’s something about how well Maggette gets to the line and converts that we love to appreciate.

#10 — Houston — The collegiate-like chemistry of this team always makes it fun, and we want to see if this Yao 24-minutes-per-game limit is going to work.  We understand the minute limit, but the whole attitude and outlook towards him seems a bit on the fragilly side.  At some point you have to throw dude to the wolves.  Hopefully it works out like Big Z, who had similar surgery years ago and hasn’t had problems since.

Last of all, we must pay respects to two teams that are usually a staple in this list — the Don Nelson-led Warriors and the Melo/J.R.Smith Nuggets.  Nellie left us for Maui, and there’s just a pall over the whole situation in Denver that sucks out all of the fun.  Let’s throw on that T.R.O.Y. vinyl, replay this dunk over-and-over, and shed a couple tears.

2)  How sick are you of the Lakers?

Sicker than the sickest.  As sick as sick can get.  Sicker than than a Columbus Small Pox blanket.  Sicker than the mannequin in Ferris Bueller’s bed.  We do have to say, though, they keep adding secondary players that we love.  First it was the Official Player Of L.O.N. — Lamar Odom.  Then it was Ron Artest, and now it’s Matt Barnes and Steve Blake — the NBA incarnation of the L.O.N. C.E.O. if he had devoted his life to ball and grown 3 more inches.

3)  Are the Bulls going to be awesome or just great?  Is Carlos Boozer to the Bulls the most underrated off-season move?

Second things first… how about the most overrated?  Iditarod has never done it for us.  He looks like Mr. Clean, but plays like Mr. Soft, taking a bunch of fade-away 10-12 footers.  Then he comes in with a shady pinkie injury that he supposedly hurt while running to answer his door and tripping over a bag… hmmm.  Overall, we have mixed emotions.  Aside from the Booze Cruise, there is Derrick Rose, who is that dude and might be ready to make a leap into the upper echelon (his ad count certainly has), and new coach Tom Thibodeaux who has promise as a great defensive mind, but seems like he’ll succeed more in his second go ’round as head coach, ala Bill Belichick, Scott Skiles, etc..  Call us skeptics.

4)  If Dwyane Wade were a creature at the Aquarium of the Pacific, which would he be?
Wow.  We cannot explain it, but the biggest eel you can find is all that comes to mind.

5)  What do you think of the new technical foul policy?

Wake us in December.  If it’s still being enforced similarly, then we will get involved.  All we know is that Ben Franklin would hope that BOTH sides would act a little more rationally, and that harsher and harsher penalties do not always do much good.

 

6)  With Rasheed Wallace now retired, who will take his place as the most “T’d up” player in the league?

A lot of the big guns are out to start the season, too, including Kenyon Martin and Kendrick Perkins.  We were surprised to see Dwight Howard came in 2nd place last year behind ‘Sheed.  We are going to go with Kobe, though.  In the first month, alone, while they are still being extra strict, all his looks and air punches are going to get him ahead of the game in the race for ‘Sheed’s belt.

7)  How effective can John Wall be as a rookie PG for the Wizards with Arenas still in the picture and an otherwise weak supporting cast?

BLAKE GRIFFIN.  Sorry, we are little obsessed… We think Wall will be very effective.  The ball is going to be in his hands and we feel like Arenas might have a so-so, disinterested season in which he misses some games here and there, and sort of takes a backseat to Wall on the court.  Wall’s raw athleticism will get him by until he figures out the nuances of the L.

Who will win Rookie Of The Year?

It’s between these two guys, and our vote is Griffin.  And yeah, we also said that last year.

The best rookie on a contender?

There won’t be one?  At least not a big name, unless you are a Gordon Hayward believer, and we are not yet.  The answer to this is probably an obscure undrafted free agent, or possibly, a rookie on a team that no one is expecting to compete.

The most invisible rookie?

The rest of them?  With a couple injuries to guys taken in the Lottery and some underwhelming pre-season play, there is not a lot to get excited about with this rookie class.

8)  Is Kevin Durant the odds-on favorite for MVP?

For the media masses?  Yeah.  For us?  LeBron.  AGAIN.  LeBron’s gonna have an undeniable year on the team with the #1 record.

9)  Which Western Conference team has the best chance to challenge the Lakers this year?

That might be the hardest question to answer so far.  The popular pick is the Thunder, but we think a bit of a backslide is just as likely, if not more likely, than a 2 seed in the West.  Denver is a mess, but they are crazy enough where, if they keep Melo, they might be winning mess.  The Mavs will be their usual “fold like a chair” in the Playoffs selves.  That points to the Spurs or the Jazz (who barely missed the League Pass Top 10… we want to see the new Deron Williams/Al Jefferson combo).  We will resist the homer pick and say Jazz.  Maybe with Boozer leaving, Deron will figure out it’s really his team now and it’s okay for him to try to take over in the clutch.

10)  10 seconds left, Heat down by one, who gets the ball?

We don’t know, but neither will the Heat’s opponents, and that’s the point.  They are going to be so ridiculous on offense with so many options, and with LeBron as playmaker they will simply take whatever the defense gives them.

11)  Do the Celtics’ Big 3 have enough left in the tank for one more run at it with the added depth and size?

For Celtics fans (and Laker haters), it’s sickening to think about what might have been last year with a healthy Perk in Game 7… or even either one of the O’Neal brothers (Shaq and Jermaine).  They definitely have what it takes for another run and we think they’ll have a date in South Beach when the Eastern Conference Finals commence.
 

12)  Is Josh McRoberts this year’s biggest sleeper fantasy starter?

Dook does not exist.  Now THAT is a real fantasy.

13)  Is it true that Stan Van Gundy and Scott Skiles share co-writing credits on Kanye’s “Runaway”?

It definitely sounds like the result of every nitpicking basketball coach pouring out his soul.  “I’m so gifted at finding, what I don’t like the most…”

14)  Which of ESPN/Marvel’s comic collabos is the best representation of the team pictured?

We like the Jordan/Bobcats cover, but the Cleveland joint is probably the most appropriate.  We can see Cleveland fans rocking Cee-Lo’s “Eff You” while staring at that image.  Portland’s is wishful thinking for real… they really do need those cyborg parts


15)  Why not the Pistons image?  Should/can Dumars recreate the Bad Boys?

Good luck with that…  The Pistons still have not won a title since Mehmet Okur left, so maybe that is whom needs to be cloned.

16)  Is Tim Gunn concerned about the new Adidas uniforms?

Full on, finger to glasses, hand on hip, head tilted, forehead furrowed concern.  We will not give a final ruling until we see more games, but so far we are not liking the look of it.  From the brief interview shots we have seen, they look like cheap practice jerseys… but maybe those were practice interviews!

17)  What’s good with uniform changes this year?

As insinuated above, all 30 teams are getting new technologically advance jerseys, courtesy of adidas.  The uniforms are said to be 30 percent lighter, dry twice as fast, and are 60% made from recycled materials.  So even if your team did not change their design, you will notice their unis look slightly different.  Our favorite design changes this year are the new (old) Golden State and Utah unis.  Both brought back elements of old school logo favorites.  We have hated the orange element to the Warriors’ unis ever since it was introduced an would have been happy enough with it’s removal alone.  The city/bridge logo is just icing on the cake.  No other team made any drastic changes, with the Clip Joint, T-Wolves, Cavs and Mavs all making minor tweaks.

18)  Over the past several seasons Stephen Jackson, Al Harrington and DeShawn Stevenson, among others, have raised training camp eyebrows with new tattoos… who is drawing attention this year?

It’s an usual suspect — Chris “Birdman” Andersen.  And there is less competiton than a Fabolous mixtape.  Free.  Bird.

Others:  Paul Pierce inks forearm with “The Truth”

19)  Any hair changes?  Other physical appearance updates?

The only thing we have for you is that Rajon Rondo is headband-less, at least in the pre-season.  A shocking development.  Oh, and sorry to bring him up again, but Blake Griffin has ‘froed it out, a taste.

20)  Which players are the most physically ready for the season?

You know what it is, you know how it is… Always Dwight Howard.  Always Ray Allen.  And while we are talking Dwight Howard…

21)  Hey, Ms. Mailroom Supervisor, which of your H.O.N.nies (Heartthrobs Of The Night), are you most looking forward to seeing this year?

LeBron for sure - new city new vibe… Gilbert Arenas is always a H.O.N. but his questionable behavior has put him on my bad side… Lamar Odom is gaining popularity because of Kardashian love, but I still wouldn’t name a child after him… I need to watch some of the season to get some new blood on this list.

22) Dwight Howard and Hakeem video… comment.

A lot of guys can do a lot of things in the gym, guarded by ghosts and cheered on by their entourages.  The Dream was executing the moves smoother than Howard and is 4X years old and averaged 7.1 ppg 10 years ago.  Howard can still take things to another level on the skills side of things, but that’s easier said than done.  Unless there was a brain transplant on the night of Day 3 of those training sessions, we are not buying in.

23)  So who will win the title?

Heat in 6.  Over the Lakers.

FREE MANNY HARRIS!!!… If anybody can hook us up with a recording for Foolish doing “Belle Isle Man” on the WJLB morning show, we will be forever in your debt… The Kings’ DeMarcus Cousins, or the Spurs training camp participant, Marcus Cousin?… So if they are both starting, that definitively means Tayshaun Prince and Austin Daye are not the same person?… With Allen Iverson signing in Turkey, have we seen his last NBA hurrah?  Let’s hope not.  We need a little more, A.I….

As seen on SLAMOnline:

More than many recent seasons, little intrigue lies at the top of the NBA standings.  Some combo of the East’s Ceatles/Cavs/Magic and the West’s Lakers/Spurs will meet in the Finals.  Ok, we will be lenient and throw the Nuggets and Mavs in there as well.  So if all you care about is the results at the top, come back in time for the Playoffs.  But for the true NBA heads, it’s all about the journey.  Welcome to the trip guide for that journey, the 2009-2010 L.O.N. Season Preview, questions-style — word to A Tribe Called Quest, Common and Mos Def.

1)  What have you missed most about the NBA?  Is it hard to get excited about the NBA when you are not excited about your team?

Not when you have…

Ralph Lawler… Big Baby Davis jokes… Rajon Rondo roller skating jokes… J.R. Smith… LeBron James triple-doubles… check that, ALL triple-doubles… EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!! moments… beautiful lefty jump shots… Jeff Van Gundy… C-WEBB, GP AND AHMAD RASHAD!  Our main men…  T.J. Ford… Anthony Parker finally able to showcase his sick professionalism on a national stage as the new shooting guard for the Cleveland Cavs… Derrick Rose… The crazy number of lineup combos Dallas can throw out, the coach and statistical-based staff that can dream those combos up and an owner just crazy enough to support the whole process… THE BIRDMAN!!!…  Joe Dumars best signing of the off-season — bringing back Chucky Atkins so now we can rejoice when Mason shouts out: “CHUCKY-CHUCKY Atttttttttt-kins”… The pure excitement of Anthony Randolph’s spontaneity and on-the-court recklessness… The electricity sparked every time Jonny Flynn takes the floor…  Shaun Livingston…

2)  What is the L.O.N. Pre-Season Top 10 League Pass Ranking?

#1 — Denver — Basketball debauchery in the flesh — J.R. Smith is the human embodiment and Denver is the team embodiment.  While losing a bit of fun with the departure of Linas Kleiza, they gained a facilitator of debauchery in Ty Lawson.  With Chauncey Billups and Melo making sure things stay fun in the win column, the Nuggets are the best combination of winning and entertainment in the League today.

#2 — Oklahoma City –  As the evolution of Kevin Durant continues, we will be watching.

#3 — San Antonio — We are well known Spurs supporters and with Manu back in the mix and majorly hyped new pieces in Richard Jefferson, Antonio McDyess and DeJuan Blair, we gotta see what kind of team Pop can make out of these guys.  And how about those seemingly minor moves to fill out the bench?  We can see Keith Bogans and Theo Ratliff playing important roles in spurts this season.

#4 — Cleveland — We love Shaq.  We love LeBron.  But do we love Shaq and LeBron?  Time to find out.

#5 — Los Angeles Lakers — What?  Did we just say that?  Choosing to listen to Joel Meyers?  Well, at least they are a part of many national broadcasts.  We cannot help it.  This thing could explode and we want to be there when it does.  If all else fails, we have the Official Player Of L.O.N. to enjoy — Lamar Odom.

#6 — Golden State — A crazy coach leading a crazy cast of characters playing a crazy brand of basketball.  We love it.

#7 — Washington — We missed Gilbert last year and want to see him back at full strength.  But if there is no Gilbert, this team drops out of these rankings in a hurry.  If he can stay on the court, he becomes the centerpiece of a surprisingly deep roster.  This team can do some things.

#8 — Chicago — Derrick Rose.

#9 — Atlanta — We love J-Creezy and we are going to love finally seeing him in the Playoffs.  You might even be able to convince us that this team could theoretically move themselves up in the Eastern Conference hierarchy.  Okay, did the East just get really deep?  Deeper than the West?  Deeper than rap?  RAAAWWWWWWSE.

#10 — Phoenix — If no one else is on, give us the uptempo team every time.

3)  Will Shaq and LeBron dominate the entire world this season?  What hi-jinx will they get in to?

This is perhaps the most discussed subplot and acquisition of the off-season.  However, the aspect that has been under-reported, is what this could mean for pre-game lineup intro rituals.  Last year Shaq’s Suns and LeBrons’s Cavs both produced highly entertaining intros game after game.  Now what happens when these forces unite?  Paul and John creating magic or Paul and John wrecking their team?  Tune in early for Cavs games and you just may catch a glimpse of their on-the-court fate.

4)  Is LeBron going to leave Cleveland?

No idea.  It all depends on what he envisions as his ultimate goal.  Win title-upon-title at all costs?  He signs the veteran’s minimum in San Antonio, Orlando or Portland.  Win the titles without sacrificing contract money, and a side order of major market power?  He joins the Clip Joint and teams with Eric Gordon, Boom Dizzle and Blake Griffin.  Hopefully, maybe win and become the hometown hero while maximizing your NBA money?  Cavs, holmes.  Take over the world, literally, with Jay-Z?  Hello, Brooklyn (maybe) Nyets.  Maximize your marketing prowess AND flirt with that oh-so-alluring season triple-double average in the Basketball Mecca?  He gets that New York State Of Mind and heads the high octane D’Antoni Knicks.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?  Tune in next summer to find out.  Sorry in advance for all of the endless speculation between now and then.

5)  Will LeBron repeat his 2008-09 MVP campaign?  Can he keep improving at basketball?

He definitely can keep improving, and there is no reason to think he will not.  The MVP award is notoriously political and fickle, though, and there is no guarantee he will get the award even if he puts up the best numbers (which he will).  But as long as Steve Nash has more MVPs than LeBron, Kobe and Shaq (1 each) the award remains an absolute joke.

6)  Tell us about LeBron vs. Braylon.  If they both called you and lobbied for you to take their side, whom would you roll with?  Did LeBron secretly stage this whole thing to send Braylon out to scout NY ahead of time?

All we’ll say is this — you cannot spell Braylon without L.O.N.

Now for the Tech Guy’s (a noted Michigan alum) commentary on the situation:  “I would’ve punched his chump friend, too.  He’s probably an Ohio State fan.”

7)  Why does Shaq hate Kobe so much and does he still?

Well… because Kobe is Kobe.  Ha!  But seriously, they play nice in public, but we are pretty sure the hate, or at least animosity, tension, whatever you want to call it, still brews beneath the surface.  But even if it’s not hate, there is most certainly a competition when it comes to career titles.  With both having legit shots at that 5th ring this year, the rivalry is alive and well.  The NBA powers that be would absolutely love a Lakers/Cavs Finals pitting these two (oh, and some guy named LeBron) against each other.

8)  Did L.O.N. C.E.O. Shannon Booher get any training camp invites after dunking on and injuring L.O.N. Head of Sales, Bread Costello?

Unfortunately the Head of Sales used his diabolical influences to immediately confiscate and destroy the grainy home video of this occasion.  Without this key piece of evidence, GMs just weren’t willing to roll the dice on the self-described “poor man’s mix of Steve Blake and Larry Hughes.”

9)  Who will be the Rookie Of The Year?

Blake Griffin.  (Uh oh… the Clippers Curse struck 1 day before the season opened.  Griffin will miss around 6 weeks with a knee injury.  It’s a wide open R.O.Y. race, now).

The best rookie on a contender?

Ty Lawson.

The most invisible rookie?

Ricky Rubio.  Many tears have been shed in the L.O.N. offices over the Rubio Debacle.

Most likely to regret leaving school early?

Stephen Curry.  Even if breaks out of his J.J. Redick-like preseason performance/shooting slump, the mess of a team he ended up on will have him dreaming of Davidson.

Most likely to choke his coach or be a dark horse candidate for R.O.Y.?

Brandon Jennings.  He and Scott Skiles seem like a match made in hell, but if everything works out, he could push 40 minutes a game.  It is a sink or swim like Phelps situation.

10)  If Jim O’Brien deploys Indiana’s “White Out” lineup of Travis Diener, Mike Dunleavy, Jr., Troy Murphy, Tyler Hansbrough and Jeff Foster, will Larry Bird retire on the spot?

Yes, his legacy fulfilled, he will immediately throw his button-up into the crowd and calmly walk out of the arena.

11)  As good as he is, is Kevin Durant the next Allen Iverson?

First of all, is that supposed to be an insult?  A.I. is one of the greatest human beings to ever play the game of basketball.  Period.  End of discussion.  Given his size, he is also right up there in the “pound-for-pound” greatest to ever play discussion.  Second of all, given their vastly different body types and play styles, this question almost sounds like the result of an NBA Mad Lib book.  We will humor our reader, though, and break it down.

Despite different, and even opposing, strengths, there is no question both guys possess singular offensive talent — both can flat out score.  Iverson’s abilities come in such a unique package, though, that only one coach and team has been able to harness those abilities into a successful team structure.  It seems Durant fits a little better into the traditional team structure, although even he has already changed positions once (from shooting guard to small forward).  In addition, both guys’ teams suffered losing seasons in their first couple campaigns.  A.I. turned that around in year 4, and has generally stayed on the winning side of things ever since.  It remains to be seen if and when Durant can make that same turnaround.  Perhaps their biggest similarity is the debate of whether or not each improves his teammates on the court.  Despite his ridiculous individual talent, and high assist numbers, A.I. has been roundly criticized for not making his teammates better over his career.  In recent weeks, Kevin Durant has faced similar heat, in a debate centering around his adjusted plus-minus numbers.  This is an interesting similarity, but we stand on the side of things that says these numbers will reverse for KD.  Because he has shown a burning desire to improve each and every year and he is backed by an extremely competent GM, we think he is going to get better, his team is going to get better, and therefore his APM will get better.

So bottom line, are there subtle similarities between these two sublime stars?  Certainly.  Are the similarities strong enough to call KD “the next A.I.”?  A resounding no.  Enjoy each and every minute of these two guys on the court, though, as they truly display two vastly different methods to accomplish the same goal on the basketball court — score the ball.

12)  Who are the Mailroom Supervisor’s most missed/most anticipated H.O.N.nies?

Gilbert Arenas, Tayshaun Prince, Dwyane Wade, Amare Stoudemire and Baron Davis.  But Baron, she says, is on notice with that Kimbo Slice beard he’s rocking.

13)  Who got the best new tattoo in the off-season?

Let’s start with what we know.  DeShawn Stevenson really had a lot of time on his hands, adding an Abe Lincoln portrait surrounded by 5’s on his neck, a backwards Pittsburgh Pirates “P” and a Frankenstein-esque cracked forehead.  We cannot really support any of those.  We could maybe roll with Abe if he had not cheapened it with the 5’s.

Watching Birdman during the pre-season, it looks like he also went back to the ink lab this off-season to spend some of his new millions.  He was already nearly covered up, but it looks like he filled in a lot more color and added a blue bird in the same neck area as DeShawn’s Abe.

Michael Beasley is also confirmed as getting a new tat, but unfortunately he drew more attention for the potential drug paraphernalia in the picture.  Let’s stay focused on the tat though — pretty ridiculous.  We are not sure if the whole back is new, or just the “Supercool Beas” part, but either way… not good.  At least it will be covered up most of the time.

So we are not ready to hand out praise quite yet, as we need to get more info on this always developing story.

14)  Are there any uniform changes to talk about?

ESPN Page2’s Paul Lukas always breaks this down the best, so go there for full detail.  Really, that piece is awesome.  We could look at NBA uniforms, logos and patches all day.  And a link showing all 30 teams’ arena floor layouts?  Awesome juice.

Here are the highlights:

–What in the world is Charlotte thinking?  Their primary unis have gone from lovably bad to terribly horrific.  And hide the women and children from that NASCAR alternate.

–Memphis added a shimmery third alternate.  Looks like somebody found one of A.I.’s old Denver jerseys hanging around and threw a Memphis on it.

–Houston has created a new version of their previously ill ketchup and mustard joints as an alternate.  Love it.

–Thankfully, Philly is going back to their traditional Independence Day red, white and blue color scheme.

15)  Does anyone have faith in Joe Dumars anymore?

Yes — you (the Unpaid Intern), the Mailroom Supervisor, and about 3 of Dumars’ distant family.

16)  Do the Pistons have a chance this year?

A chance at…

…having the most guaranteed money coming off the bench?  Yes.
…benching the best point guard on the team to start Joe Dumars’ “guy”?  Yes.
…having a “Boulevard Of Broken Dreams” remix painting featuring their center committee of Ben Wallace, Kwame Brown and Chris Wilcox?  Yes.
…making the Playoffs?  Yes.
…winning the Title?  Yes… if they trade for Memo!  They still have not been the same since he left.

17)  Are they going to miss ‘Sheed?

No doubt.  He was the missing piece that put them over the top for their 2004 title.  Hopefully the fans remember and appreciate that contribution.  And if ya’ll thought ‘Sheed was inconsistent and lacked focus… hello, Charlie Villanueva!

18)  Will ‘Sheed make a huge difference in Boston?

That is up to him.  The Ceatles certainly could have used him LAST year, given KG’s knee problems.  If used properly this year, maybe he can help keep KG healthy for the stretch run.  If the other Ceatles stay healthy (big if), and ‘Sheed is hungry, he will be a beast of a missing piece for them.  We think that is exactly what will happen, since the other Celtic vets can create an environment of peer accountability that simply did not exist on last year’s splintered Detroit team.  Looks like a little bit more will be expected out of him straight from jump, as Big Baby apparently injured his thumb fighting a former college teammate!  Yeah, we said we missed Big Baby jokes, now let them flow!

19)  Can Lamar Odom, um, keep up with the Kardashians?

It is easy to point out the increasingly circus-like atmosphere surrounding the Lake Show.  Lamar marries Khloe Kardashian, Ron Artest brings his three-ring circus to town, Andrew Bynum continues to be mercurial at best, etc., etc.  But what if Lamar’s marriage centers him and brings out the best in him?  What if Ron Artest’s eccentricities lighten the mood and tension of a grueling 100 game season?  What if Andrew Bynum is able to fully spreadshis wings now that he is out from underneath Kareem’s shadow?  What if this is just the challenge Phil Jackson needs to get the most out of this squad?

Uhhhhh, no.  We see implosion.  No repeat.  Forget the shenanigans, they just plain got worse talent wise, on the court.

20)  And while we are in the gossip pages… L.O.N.’s resident Legal Counsel asks:  How will blind items factor into this season?

With all the highly publicized non-blind off-the-court drama over the past year (Dirk scammed by his girlfriend, Lamar and Khloe, Mike Beasley goes Amy Winehouse, E-City nudity allegations, Starbury and UStream, A.I.’s gambling blow ups), there has to be a treasure trove of this stuff out there.  Michael Jordan could have a tabloid dedicated solely to him that would challenge anything else out on the market!  As the sports world blurs more and more into the entertainment world, blind items and gossip in general will become a bigger and bigger part of the NBA.  And who is to say that is a bad thing?  It could fit under the old adage of “any publicity is good publicity.”

21)  He looked like he got it all working in the Playoffs last year — is this Melo’s year?

Did he get it all working in the Playoffs last year?  Sure he looked great in the first two series, but he disappeared a bit in their loss to the Lakers.  On top of that, there are already a lot of naysayers that do not think the Nuggets can match last year’s season.  So Melo still has a lot to prove, but we do think he will do it.  Maybe he can even swoop in and become one of those “it’s his turn” MVP winners.

22)  Will Darko come to life under Mike D’Antoni?  Say he will.

Okay, he will.

23)  Will Yi make China forget about Yao?

He will.

24)  Will Yao ever play again?

He will.

The answer to at least one of those last three questions was a lie.

25)  What do you think about this?  http://www.nba.com/enebea/

Global domination, baby.  The NBA, led by David Stern, has consistently been the best amongst the American sports leagues at spreading his brand worldwide.

26)  Carlos Boozer or Paul Millsap?

So the question is whiny Dookie or hard-working country boy?  Hard-working country boy all day ereday.  We are just mad Millsap could not get out of Utah with them matching the offer sheet he signed with Portland.

27)  Have we really seen the last of Starbury?

On an NBA court?  Yeah, looks like it.  On a social media site near you or plotting a Dr. Evil-style worldwide takeover in a boardroom somewhere?  No, sir.

28)  Who should have retired that did not?

Reggie Miller.

29)  Who is the worst person in the NBA?

Well, by extension… REGGIE MILLER!

30)  Who is the #1 fantasy basketball player?

In any and all formats — H2H, Roto, Keeper, whatever it is, LeBron James is your man.  Okay, maybe in an auction the price can get too high, but after last year’s 78% from the charity stripe, the man has no fantasy weakness.  And who is to say his stats cannot increase across the board?  His tendency towards elevating his game gives him the nod over CP3.

31)  What was the worst off-season move?

Based on early returns, we have to go with Portland’s signing of Andre Miller.  Maybe things will still come together as the season plays out, but as of right now it smacks of desperation salary cap spending.  Just save the space!  Use it in a trade, or in next year’s off-season!

32)  What is the worst contract in the League?

For contracts that carried over from last year, it is hard to see much good in Baron Davis’ and Elton Brand’s based on last year’s performance, but the absolute worst is Zach Randolph’s killer deal that will pay him $33 million over this year and next.  That is a major problem when no team with Randolph on it will ever win anything.  That is a literal and figurative elephant in the room.

For contracts signed over the summer, Cleveland signed Anderson Varejao to $50 million over 6 years!?!?!?!?!!  Wow.  That is way more than Birdman’s and more than Paul Millsap’s, just to name two comparable players.  It is well within the realm of possibility that LeBron and Shaq are not on the Cavs roster next season, leaving Varejao as their 2nd highest paid player behind Mo Williams.  Mo and Andy will not exactly recall great point guard/power forward tandems like Stocktontomalone or Payton/Kemp.  Players like Varejao come around the block.  Often.  Why lock yourself in to a monster deal like that?

33)  Greg Oden — fact or fiction?

Wow, you are really bringing out the tough ones now.  Uhhhh… facmaictionact?  He looked great in the pre-season, and we want him to succeed, but we along with everyone else, feel like the world will get it’s usual healthy serving of Ghostface Przybilla this season.  Sorry, Greg it is show and prove time.

34)  Which team could be a sleeper this year?

We do not think any team will sneak up into title contention (although we sorta talked ourselves into Atlanta and Washington having deep, deep sleeper status), but some sleeper playoff teams include:  the Clip Joint, OKC, and Milwaukee (if healthy, their defense and grind it out style will make them the team other teams hate to play against in regular season).

35)  What is the most boring team that no one should care about?

Whuuuuuuuut?  No such thing.  Every team has something awesome about it.

36)  How much would L.O.N. pay to have a Dirty Jerse Nyet come to their office Holiday Party?

Not $25k like the organization is asking, but to determine our actual price, we would need to know the answers to the following questions:

Is Devin Harris coming as himself, or a-alike Ludacris?  Will Rafer Alston resurrect the And-1 bus and bring all the And-1ers?  Is Courtney Lee bringing the rest of her hot friends?  Is Sean Williams bringing his, um, party favors?  Is Terrence Williams wearing the Sponge Bob pants and Barbie backpack?  Will Brook Lopez bring the comics and ice cream sundaes?  Damn, now that we think about it, that’s an eclectic bunch.  Maybe $25k is not so crazy after all.

37)  What will Rowan Jura Booher’s title be as the newest employee in the L.O.N. offices?

So far he is filling multiple roles such as L.O.N. Mascot, L.O.N. Freeloader and L.O.N. Official Burper.  We are going to let him try his hand at various tasks around the office and see what he likes best.

38)  I do not have a clever question, but please say something about Orlando.

Local boy traded to hometown team and rejuvenates them?  Chauncey Billups or Vince Carter?  A couple of problems with that comparison — Vinsanity is not quite a true hometown hero in Orlando like Smooth is in Denver and Orlando is nice and juvenated already.  They were in the Finals last year.  Vince comes to town facing major expectations, which has not always worked well with him.  The difference this year is he has a big time supporting cast.  Still, in order to be the hero he has to help them to a title and we do not think the Magic have it in them.

39)  So who will win the title?

Cavs over Spurs in 7.  LeBron gets #1 win and Shaq wins the race to 5.
As seen on SLAMOnline:

Okay, whoever you are out there, PUT THE BRANDAN WRIGHT VOODOO DOLL DOWN!!!… Eddie Jordan back in the hizzle… We really, really, really hope Delonte West is getting all the help and support he needs… FREE RASHAD MCCANTS!!!… Adding another overpowering personality to the roster WILL NOT help Mike Conley in Memphis.  And maybe the only thing that could ever help him at this point is reuniting him with Greg Oden… How is Chris Duhon still the starting point guard for the team that arguably needs a good point guard the most?…  There are new rims this year.  Who knew?…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Kobe Bryant — 40 points, 6 boards, 3 assists, 1 steal

Last night’s game was a nightmare for Lakers-haters far and wide.  Mr. Cryant balled out (wow… the “throw it off the board to myself” play?), made his annoying celebratory faces and obnoxiously told Shane Battier about it throughout the entire affair.  He elbowed Ron Artest in the throat, only to have Artest get called for the foul and eventually get ejected.  Then public enemy number two or three — Derek Fisher — committed a crazily dirty foul on Luis Scola.  The only thing that could have made it worse for Anti-Laker Nation would have been Sasha Vujacic doing anything worthwhile on the court, and therefore getting more face time.

Lakers took this one down, but in our opinion, the Chuckster summed up the rest of this series best, when he asked, “Can Kobe do this 3 more times?”  ‘Cause that might be what it takes.

Worst Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 12 points, 12 boards, 1 assist, 0 blocks

That ain’t Superman, that ain’t Defensive Player Of The Year, that ain’t nothing.  Maybe Underdog?  Hancock?  Handi-Man?  Tiny Avenger?  Head Detective?  That last one definitely made no sense but a Head Detective reference cannot be denied.  And Head Detective would’ve had at least 2 blocks.

Larry Bird Of The Night AKA Near Distribution Center Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 18 assists, 15 points, 11 boards, 2 assists

We tried to tell ya’ll on the last joint that Rondo woke up mid-way through last game.  Ya’ll don’t even gotta go to summer school!  Just pick up that L.O.N. double thread post.  It’ll be all the wisdom you need.

Artestism Of The Night:

Ron Artest has been killing the post-game interviews in the Playoffs, and last night was no different:

“I remember when I used to play back home in the neighborhood, there was always games like that.  I remember one time it was one of my friends he was playing basketball, they was running a game.  It was so competitive they broke a piece of leg from a table and then threw it.  It went right through his heart and he died, right on the court.  So I’m accustomed to playing basketball really rough.”

Rough?  You think?  Were you playing with vampires, Ron?  Was Buffy running point?  Blade puttin’ up triple-doubles from the 3-spot?  Count Chocula with a mean post-game?

Unexpected Double-Double Of The Night:

Carl Landry — 21 points, 10 boards

Nice, but not quite enough to make up for Yao only playing 26 minutes due to foul trouble.  And why can’t Kenny Smith pronounce your name?  Blame it on Ky-y-y-y-y-le Low-ow-ry (word to Jamie Foxx).  He can’t help creating some kind of new amalgamation of Lowrandry every single time.

6th Man Of The Night:

Eddie House — 31 points, 4 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal

Most of this round’s 6th Man shine is on the battle between Jason Terry and J.R. Smith over in the Dallas/Denver series, but last night the spotlight was clearly on House.  Above and beyond his scoring output, his greatest contribution may have been getting under Rafer Alston’s skin enough to draw a head slap which looked like a very suspendable offense.  That leads to one question… will we get a Tyronn “The A.I. Stopper” Lue, appearance in Game 3?  Will he become the “Eddie House Stopper”?

The Rockets are viewed as the tough, agitators, but is it Kobe that is getting under their skin?  Ron-Ron spent a lot of time talking about him post-game, which could also just be a way to draw the refs’ attention to Kobe’s tactics.  One thing is for sure, after reviewing the tape, Kobe should not be suspended, as last night’s elbow was not as vicious joints on Manu, MIke Miller, etc… L.O.N. office playoff sub-plot — with the Nuggets now an “out of nowhere” title contender, two prop bets are in play.  1)  Total career titles by LeBron (The Tech Guy) vs. Melo (C.E.O.) and 2) Total career titles by Darko (The Unpaid Intern, not including Darko’s rookie title) vs. Melo (C.E.O.).  Yes, the Intern took Darko… F.B.I. arrests 37-year-old Cristal Taylor (she of 8 aliases) at the home of Dirk Nowitzki, on a theft charge and a probation violation.  What?  Is Dirk getting Anne Hathaway-ed?…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Yao Ming — 28 points, 10 boards, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Money on the block with a J that hits/While Artest keep talkin’ this defense ish.  Why isn’t there a Houston Rockets Playoff song/Yao highlight reel that remakes the Clipse “Grindin‘” with the chorus as “Yao-Ming”?  The Rockets used another strong Game 1 performance from Yao to overcome an almost non-existent bench.  Welcome to the Playoffs, Lake Show.

Worst Of The Night:

The Kobsters.  Much of the post-game focus was Kobe’s sore throat/sore performance, but he actually did not play all that poorly.  The real problem?  Almost every other Laker had a bad game with maybe the exception of Trevor Ariza, but even he was not spectacular.  This ain’t Utah, fellas.

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 22 boards, 16 points, 3 blocks, 3 assists, 1 steal

But only 12 shots?  We don’t get it.  In the post-game interview, after his team tried its hardest to blow a 28-point lead, he even tried to reprimand his teammates, ala LeBron, in a supportive-yet-pissed kind of way.  But it was clearly a forced facade, as it soon became clear all he really had on his mind was announcing his wrestling name:  “Black Magic”.  Be yourself, Dwight!  We love you for it.

Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 14 points, 10 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals

From our viewpoint, Rondo has not quite been the same since the “throw Hinrich into the stands” incident.  It seemed like he dialed it back after that, losing some of the edge that helped him dominate the Playoffs to that point.  In the second half last night, though, it looked like maybe he flipped the switch back on.  We knew it was official when he tried to dunk on Dwight Howard.  That’s Defensive Player Of The Year Dwight Howard.  Howard just about got served up some of Grandma Rondo’s delicious homemade grits.

The King Is Crowned Of The Night:

In a landslide, LeBron James officially took down his first (of many?) MVP trophy, yesterday.  In true LeBron style, with his teammates in attendance, he accepted the award in a ceremony back at his high school, St. Vincent-St. Mary, in his hometown of Akron.  It was awesome that he actually admitted that he was happy to win the award, but our favorite part was definitely the Friday reference as he thanked his teammates:  “It’s gonna be like the both of ours but I’m a keep it at my house.”  The camera cuts to his teammates, who are mostly laughing, but straight crickets coming from Big Z and Varejao.  So they didn’t ship a version of Friday with Lithuanian and Portuguese subtitles?

Orlando’s Courtney Lee to possibly return for Game 3… Jadakiss is riding for the Nuggets… So, Boston in 7?  Last night’s Game 1 vs. Orlando was eerily similar to their Game 1 loss to Chi-town… Assuming the Cavs win the title, the “must have a Carolina player to win the title” theory will be back in effect.  Two words:  Jawad.  Williams…