L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 33 points, 14 assists, 7 boards, 4 steals

He played Pau Gasol and the entire Lakers D like a fiddle down the stretch.  One largely overlooked aspect of the recent “clutch” debate is that Paul is underrated in regards to clutch play.  He showed just how good he is in that phase of the game on Sunday, in a major way.  Kobe didn’t get a chance to add to his side of the argument one way or the other, as the Lakers were essentially already out of it in the final minutes.  However, he did show reason #4080 why he should not take those ridiculous double-teamed hero fadeaway jumpshots — he might get injured by the crowd (Yeah, we know he made it.  Irrelevant.  #resultsainteverything).

Line Of The Night Honorable Mention:

Derrick Rose — 39 points, 6 assists, 6 boards, 3 blocks, 1 steal

Right when it seemed like the Pacers were almost young, dumb and just not giving a whut enough to pull this thing out, they showed that they were too young, too dumb and too not giving a whut.  They scored 1 point in the last 3-and-a-half minutes, and Rose brought that thang home.  Slow down son, you’re killin’ ‘em!

Worst Of The Night:

ESPN/ABC’s Playoffs music intro — We are not linking too it because we like our readers.  A Led Zeppelin cover band?  Nicole Scherzinger?  Huh?  C’mon ABC/ESPN.  There are more MC’s than dollars in the US deficit spitting NBA lyrics in their bars, and ya’ll still have not embraced Hip-Hop?  Disgraceful.

Near Ice Cube AKA Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 10 points, 9 assists, 9 boards

Nice line, but we want is more of Ray Allen’s mom.  Ray Allen’s mom introduced with the starting lineups.  Cuts to Ray Allen’s mom after every one of his 3’s.  Ray Allen’s mom interviews at the end of every quarter.  Ray Allen’s mom interviewing HERSELF at the end of every quarter.  RAY.  ALLEN’S.  MOM!!!!!!
Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 46 points, 19 boards, 1 block, 1 assist

Gooooood lawd!  As good as he was, that is how bad his teammates (not named Jameer Nelson) were, on offense.  And these aren’t playoff newbies.  We are talking Hedo.  Jason Richardson.  Gilbert Arenas.  The list goes on.  Those guys won’t be as bad next game, but Howard probably won’t be as good, either.  The Hawks have at least established that they are not going out like they did last year.  No brooms here.

Near Beast Of The Night II:

Marcus Camby — 18 boards, 5 assists, 4 points, 2 blocks

Everybody’s upset pick ended up being one of the few series that held form during the opening weekend, despite Camby doing his thing.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Allow me to re-introduce myself, my name is STAT/
S-T-A-T/
I used to dunk oops Steve Nash threw me/
I guess even back then you could call me/
Top chef of the breakfast club, STAT!/
Straight out of N-Y into the playoff fire/
I be the, Knicks #1 breakfast supplier/
Greasier than the plate of breakfast on my tray/
I got the smallest Boston O’Neal yelling my name/
That’s right, STAT/
Not D-O-C, but similar to them letters, no one can do it better/
I serve eggs and bacon like a struggling actress/
My homey ‘Melo told J-O, dude EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!
So that’s what you’re gonna do/
Take it back to Grover get his approval/
Fast forward to clean plate removal/
Let me tell you what I do to C’s old as pops/
Dunk on you cats like dunk contest props.

Injuries Of The Night:

Manu Ginobili, non-shooting elbow — This is the big one.  With the Spurs now down 0-1 to the Grizzlies, they need to get it done now.  He was begging to play Sunday, so we are betting he is out there next game as the Spurs try to even this one up.  The Spurs had Game 1 almost in the bag, got good looks, but did not knock them down.  Manu might change that up a taste.

Chauncey Billups, strained knee — The Knicks battled the C’s to the end in Game 1, but if Chauncey can’t play going forward?  Lights out.

Arron Afflalo, hamstring — The Nuggets struggled mightily in end of the game situations, and Afflalo was a guy that was starting to show signs of clutchness during the regular season.  He could have a huge impact on their series against OKC if he can get out there on the court.  Raymond Felton has the mentality of a clutch dude, just not quite the skill level required.

Shaq O’Neal, calf — Does it matter?  He had to eat his breakfast, but Jermaine O’Neal definitely came up big for the C’s in Game 1.  There is no team with a center match-up requiring Shaq’s services until a potential Finals matchup, so there is really no rush here.  Stop talking about his return as if it’s the key to end of the face tattoo scourge.

Aaron Gray, ankle — That was a nasty freeze frame.  Chris Paul named him his MVP of the Hornets’ Game 1 upset of the Lake Show, and he provides much needed size against the Lakers’ huge frontline.  If Pau Gasol keeps playing like he did, though, they probably don’t need him.  But don’t count on that.

Story Checks Out (Word To Huff & Stapes) Of The Night:

Carlos Boozer?  M.I.A. in the Playoffs.

Jarrett Jack?  Playoff baller.

Denver?  No go-to scorer in the clutch.  And it cost them Game 1.

Andre Iguodala missed a Near Triple-Double because he only managed 4 points?  That’s Jason Kidd type stuff right there… Doc’s clipboard X’s and O’s?  Game tight…  Everywhere you look there is a dang dookie on the court, this off-season.  Danny Green, stand up… Not sure how informative or useful it is, but give us more of Kenny Smith standing in front of that life-size telestrator, becoming part of the replay… Monty Williams tie off, and it’s on to the next… Has Roy Hibbert shown enough to get Hakeem’s cellphone number for a little summer workout session action?…  Honorable mention Eat Your Breakfast goes to Nene on Ibaka.  Ibaka had sent back to me many other orders throughout the game to get on him to hard, though… Best believe the L.O.N. offices will have the Tyler Hansbrough steal/dunk “Champion Of The World!!!” celebration looped on the office big screen once we can get our hands on video that does it justice.  This is all we have so far… Hey, Frank Vogel — TIMEOUT!!!!… Hey, Nic Batum — PASS THE BALL!!!!… Hey, refs — STOP CALLING SO MANY FOULS!!!…

The NBA.  It’s Fan-tastic.

As seen on SLAMOnline

Line Of The Night AKA Near Ice Cube Of The Night:

LeBron James — 41 points, 10 boards, 8 assists

And two mismatched shoes (1 retro Cav Orange, 1 retro Cav Blue).  As the Kobe v. LeBron debate rages on… guess we know one thing The King can do that the Mamba cannot — win in the Rose Garden!  Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Kobe Defenders, stand up!

Ice Cube Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 22 points, 13 assists, 10 boards, 4 steals

Rooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnn-dooooo!

Near Beast Of The Night AKA Career-High Of The Night:

Andrew Bynum — 18 boards (career-high), 17 points, 3 blocks

He really should have grabbed 18 boards at some point before this, right?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Milwaukee Bucks — 77 points vs. the Lakers

Michael Redd hears a pop in his knee after only 12 minutes and 0 points scored.  Brandon Jennings scores 10 points to lead all starters… and that’s more than the ENTIRE TEAM scored in the 1st quarter.  A wonderful recipe for contraction.  Not to mention the Lakers’ Bynum and Lamar Odom severely limited offensive rebound availability with their board work.

NBA Fit Of The Night:

‘Sheed Wallace — 29 points, 8 boards, 2 blocks, 1 steal

There have been lots of complaints about ‘Sheed’s conditioning so far this season.  He has been starting for K.G. (out to rest his knee) lately and bottomed out on Friday in a loss to Hawks in which he shot 5-15.  Now maybe he has turned the corner?  He led the C’s in scoring in what was far and away his best game in the Celtic green.  Is an “NBA Fit” ‘Sheed the silver-lining of K.G.’s injury?

Season Debut Of The Night:

Ian Mahinmi — 15 points, 9 boards, 1 block, 1 assist

The man, the myth, the legend.  Ian in the building.  Another diamond in the rough found and polished up by the Spurs, or just a 1 night Nyets-inspired fluke?  The Spurs can still use all the help they can get at their revolving door labeled “PF”.

We are trying to contain our excitement for J-Creezy’s impending introduction to the Playoffs, but really, it may be time to start the countdown… At 3-34, the proposed (by us, of course) Nyets’ signing of The Situation and Pauly D has to be approaching, as well…  THE RHINO!  Craig Smith — and the Clip Joint — are 1 game from a .500 record and maybe only a few games from the Blake Griffin Era.  On the come up… Come on L.O., 3 more points and you get in here with the Near Ice Cube!… DeShawn Stevenson warms up with “Agent Zero” written on his ankle tape.  Rumor has it David Stern immediately picked up a phone in his office, and all that was heard on the other end of the line was:  “It’s done”…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Danny Granger — 27 points, 9 boards, 5 assists, 5 steals

Granger, again?  Aw yeah, again and again.  Dude is nasty.  Two straight L.O.N.nies nasty.  Unfortunately, at 8-16, looks like he and his Pacers are at least 1 year away from any sort of primetime love, but the true heads know.  And the Wiz fa sho know, after last night.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 25 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals

Just let C-Webb tell you.  Double R is getting it done, he’s getting it in, he’s getting in his bag, and he’s going in, too.  Can he grab an Eastern Conference All-Star guard spot?  D-Wade, A.I., Joe Johnson?  Devin Harris?  Jose Calderon?  Dare we say… Derrick Rose?  If Peezy is out for any time with this knee injury does he step it up and end all debate?  Will he get a quadruple-double this year, with a line that includes 10 behind-the-back pass fakes in one game?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Charlotte Bobcats — 79 points vs. the ATLiens

Boris Diaw showcased his all-around game in this one, dropping 25 on his former team.  The Cats have no reliable 2nd option on offense, though, which caught up with them in the 4th quarter when they could only manage 11 points.  Maybe an improved D, but definitely a generally horrid offense.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Not only did rook Ryan Anderson drop a career-high 21 points to lead his Nets to a road win in the T-Dot last night, he also enjoyed an extra serving of the most important meal of the day.  After losing his man, who was shading towards Chris Bosh at the elbow extended,  Joey Graham received a pass in the corner, went baseline, then BOOM!  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST, RYAN!  Bet you never had a Canadian bacon, graham crackers sandwich, homey!

What is in Paul Millsap’s Wheaties bowl, lately?… J.R. Smith tied the Mavs, BY HIMSELF, in the the 4th quarter last night, 17-17.  The Garbageman strikes again… Yeah, that’s 15 in a row for Boston.  That’s a ratings bonanza if they can hold onto that until Christmas Day…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 30 points, 19 boards, 10 blocks, 3 assists

That speaks for itself.  Beastaculous.  The real big man story in this Magic/Thunder game, though, was Robert Swift’s shocking makeover.  He went from the stringy, long-hair/slacker/skater/rocker look, to the product-induced, kinda short, metro mohawk look.   Odd.

Worst Of The Night:

There are probably a bunch of Lakers fans out there wondering why there is so little L.O.N. coverage of the only remaining undefeated team (the Ceatles made sure of that, taking down the Hawks in a thriller last night) thus far this year.  A team who, after all, features the Official Player of L.O.N., and Revolutionary Team Captain, Lamar Odom A.K.A. L-Eezy.  Well, first of all, L-Eezy isn’t exactly a featured member of that stacked team; he’s only cracked the 30 minute mark once.  Second of all, there is our well-chronicled history with the Kobster, A.K.A. Kobe Cryant.  But that is not even the deal-breaker.  Mr. Cryant is one of those “love to hate types”, and without our Mamba animosity, how could we love Kevin Garnet, J.R. Smith and Travis Outlaw so damn much?  Yin and Yang, ya’ll.  No, the straw that breaks the Lakers’ back is none other than Joel Meyers.  We literally cannot stand listening to the man talk for more than 23 seconds.  It’s like fingernails on a chalkboard meets a jackhammer to the abdomen.  A nuclear explosion of excruciating pain and irritance.  Give us national Lakers coverage, or our dawg Ralph Lawler calling an intra-city match, and we’ll be there for ya’ll.  Until then, though, it’s boxscores and boxscores only.

Near Ice Cube Of The Night:

Andre Iguodala — 18 points, 10 assists, 9 boards

This performance against the T-Dot marks three straight all-around games from the Other A.I. (Can we call him something else, though?  What?  An excruciating debate took place in the L.O.N. offices over this, and it remains unresolved), and with him rolling like this and Elton Brand having his best game of the season (25/8), the Sixers showed signs of living up to the hype last night.

T.J. Ford — 18 points, 9 assists, 8 boards, 3 steals

All you internet stat heads can rave all you want about Jose Calderon this, and assist-plus-minus-percentage-ratio that, but if the ball dropped on the court tomorrow, and L.O.N. had to pick somebody to run our squad?  T.J. Ford, all day, ereday.  A healthy (ok, that’s a big if, we admit) T.J. Ford can DOMINATE a game, and that is just what he did last night in Dirty Jerse.

Brad Miller — 16 points, 11 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

BRAD MIZZLE!  One country boy center dominates another (Chris Kaman).

Contraction Club Of The Night:

San Antonio Spurs, 78 points vs. the Milwaukee Bucks

This is a legit contraction scenario.  Off their current roster, you throw Tim Duncan and a couple other guys into a contraction draft and poof… it’s like they never existed.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Honey Of The Night:

Amare Stoudemire — The MRSV says: “Nice scarf!  The wink, and he’s smiling and giving me googley eyes.”

About 4 years ago, the infamous Malice In The Palace went down.  Call it ugly, call it what you want, but we call it entertaining and have never pretended not to love any level of NBA skirmish, fight or brawl.  Last night’s Houston/Phoenix game gave us a little something something.

Matt Barnes set it off with an out-of-nowhere forearm shiver to Skip-To-My-Lou, who was about to set a standard high screen on Barnes.  From there an amorphous scrum broke out.  The whole thing was basically a lot of big guys pushing on little guys.  Barnes pushes Rafer Alston, then McGradles shoves lil’ Stevie Nash, then Big Shaq shoved every-damn-body.  While Barnes and Alston were initially separated, they almost managed to get back at each other right near the court side seats.  Suns coach Terry Porter managed to get in between them though, before it got really Bubba Sparxxx.  Other than those two guys, McGradles was the most heated, probably because he saw the initial cheap shot on his teammate.  He was ready to “ride together”, ala S-Jax back in ‘04, but he had Luis Scola to hold him back (word to big man peacemakers).  Ironically this whole thing was probably one idiot Pistons fan and a Ron Artest moment from getting extra out of hand, and guess who happened to be on the Rockets’ bench?

A logical question might be, “Why did Matt Barnes lick that initial shot on Skip?  Was there some sort of pretext?”.  Good luck with that.  Watching him over the years, we’ve seen that he has a temper, pure and simple.  He has never been afraid to lick a shot, and only Pac knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.

Jermaine O’Neal two straight double-doubles, two straight losses.  Coincidence?… Nice to see Greg Oden make it through a game, and even have a few nice plays (a dunk and a couple blocks)… Wilson who?…