L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Carmelo Anthony — 42 points, 17 boards, 6 assists, 2 blocks

Spectacular.  With Chauncey out from the start, and Amar’e knocked out midway through with back spasms, it was an all-time performance, but… the Knicks still lost.  Doc Rivers smartly doubled the ish out of him in the final few minutes, and we were all shown that “point forward” is not an accurate descriptor of Jared Jeffries.  You think Melo looked around at any point and thought, “Wait… I thought I rejected the trade to the Nets?”?

Honorable Mention Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 30 points, 7 assists, 4 boards, 2 steals

We could not give him the L.O.N.nie because, well, he BETTER score 30 when given that many wide open lanes to the basket!  After he picked up an early foul, Toney Douglas did not even try to guard Rondo in transition, but what was worse, was the lack of help.  With Billups sidelined Douglas was probably making the smart play, in an effort to remain on the floor, but the 4 other guys out there need to be aware of the situation too.  But then what in the world was that play where it looked like he intentionally fouled Rondo close to halfcourt?  Bizarre.

Worst Of The Night:

Bill Walker — 2 points on 0-11 shooting

Ouch.  And he got a dumb technical, giving the C’s a free point which proved fairly important at the end of the game.  This was the Knicks downfall in a nutshell — the side cats did not come through.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 33 points, 19 boards, 2 steals, 1 block in 48 minutes

That’s EVERY minute in case you didn’t know.  Another dominating performance from the guy who received the L.O.N. M.V.P. vote.  They almost blew this one, though, despite a seemingly uninspired (except for J-Creezy) effort from the Hawks.  Seriously — Josh Smith and Joe Johnson — the Playoffs started a few days ago.  Ya’ll are invited to participate.  Special note to Josh — you are allowed to drive to the basket and utilize your insane physical gifts.

Sixth Man Of The Night:

Peja Stojakovic — 21 points, 5 boards, 1 steal

This role is filled by different guy every night from a seeming cast of thousands in Dallas.  Sometimes guys like this falter on the road, though, at least that’s what the Blazers are telling themselves.  Also, given the fact that Peja is a virtual statue at this point, why isn’t someone in his pocket out there?

RAY.  ALLEN’S.  MOM.  Fan.  Bedazzler.  Stander.  Clapper.  Marathon Runner.  STAR…  Dirk’s Dad?  Not so much… Our congrats go to Lamar Odom — the official player of L.O.N. — for his Sixth Man Of The Year award.  L.O.N. fo’ life… The Andy and Landry Shooooowww, duh, doom, doom… Love, love, love the successful K.G. post move in the clutch… Maybe the Hawks should have shot strictly from 30+ feet the whole night.  J-Creezy and Joe Johnson got it done from out there…  Are those playoff beards in Orlando?  But Dwight is only giving us the goatee?… Orlando is part of the “Unnecessary 3-Man Booth” Club.  Pat Garrity sounds very similar to Matt Goukas (who’s a pro), and adds basically nothing interesting to the conversation…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 33 points, 14 assists, 7 boards, 4 steals

He played Pau Gasol and the entire Lakers D like a fiddle down the stretch.  One largely overlooked aspect of the recent “clutch” debate is that Paul is underrated in regards to clutch play.  He showed just how good he is in that phase of the game on Sunday, in a major way.  Kobe didn’t get a chance to add to his side of the argument one way or the other, as the Lakers were essentially already out of it in the final minutes.  However, he did show reason #4080 why he should not take those ridiculous double-teamed hero fadeaway jumpshots — he might get injured by the crowd (Yeah, we know he made it.  Irrelevant.  #resultsainteverything).

Line Of The Night Honorable Mention:

Derrick Rose — 39 points, 6 assists, 6 boards, 3 blocks, 1 steal

Right when it seemed like the Pacers were almost young, dumb and just not giving a whut enough to pull this thing out, they showed that they were too young, too dumb and too not giving a whut.  They scored 1 point in the last 3-and-a-half minutes, and Rose brought that thang home.  Slow down son, you’re killin’ ‘em!

Worst Of The Night:

ESPN/ABC’s Playoffs music intro — We are not linking too it because we like our readers.  A Led Zeppelin cover band?  Nicole Scherzinger?  Huh?  C’mon ABC/ESPN.  There are more MC’s than dollars in the US deficit spitting NBA lyrics in their bars, and ya’ll still have not embraced Hip-Hop?  Disgraceful.

Near Ice Cube AKA Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 10 points, 9 assists, 9 boards

Nice line, but we want is more of Ray Allen’s mom.  Ray Allen’s mom introduced with the starting lineups.  Cuts to Ray Allen’s mom after every one of his 3’s.  Ray Allen’s mom interviews at the end of every quarter.  Ray Allen’s mom interviewing HERSELF at the end of every quarter.  RAY.  ALLEN’S.  MOM!!!!!!
Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 46 points, 19 boards, 1 block, 1 assist

Gooooood lawd!  As good as he was, that is how bad his teammates (not named Jameer Nelson) were, on offense.  And these aren’t playoff newbies.  We are talking Hedo.  Jason Richardson.  Gilbert Arenas.  The list goes on.  Those guys won’t be as bad next game, but Howard probably won’t be as good, either.  The Hawks have at least established that they are not going out like they did last year.  No brooms here.

Near Beast Of The Night II:

Marcus Camby — 18 boards, 5 assists, 4 points, 2 blocks

Everybody’s upset pick ended up being one of the few series that held form during the opening weekend, despite Camby doing his thing.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Allow me to re-introduce myself, my name is STAT/
S-T-A-T/
I used to dunk oops Steve Nash threw me/
I guess even back then you could call me/
Top chef of the breakfast club, STAT!/
Straight out of N-Y into the playoff fire/
I be the, Knicks #1 breakfast supplier/
Greasier than the plate of breakfast on my tray/
I got the smallest Boston O’Neal yelling my name/
That’s right, STAT/
Not D-O-C, but similar to them letters, no one can do it better/
I serve eggs and bacon like a struggling actress/
My homey ‘Melo told J-O, dude EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!
So that’s what you’re gonna do/
Take it back to Grover get his approval/
Fast forward to clean plate removal/
Let me tell you what I do to C’s old as pops/
Dunk on you cats like dunk contest props.

Injuries Of The Night:

Manu Ginobili, non-shooting elbow — This is the big one.  With the Spurs now down 0-1 to the Grizzlies, they need to get it done now.  He was begging to play Sunday, so we are betting he is out there next game as the Spurs try to even this one up.  The Spurs had Game 1 almost in the bag, got good looks, but did not knock them down.  Manu might change that up a taste.

Chauncey Billups, strained knee — The Knicks battled the C’s to the end in Game 1, but if Chauncey can’t play going forward?  Lights out.

Arron Afflalo, hamstring — The Nuggets struggled mightily in end of the game situations, and Afflalo was a guy that was starting to show signs of clutchness during the regular season.  He could have a huge impact on their series against OKC if he can get out there on the court.  Raymond Felton has the mentality of a clutch dude, just not quite the skill level required.

Shaq O’Neal, calf — Does it matter?  He had to eat his breakfast, but Jermaine O’Neal definitely came up big for the C’s in Game 1.  There is no team with a center match-up requiring Shaq’s services until a potential Finals matchup, so there is really no rush here.  Stop talking about his return as if it’s the key to end of the face tattoo scourge.

Aaron Gray, ankle — That was a nasty freeze frame.  Chris Paul named him his MVP of the Hornets’ Game 1 upset of the Lake Show, and he provides much needed size against the Lakers’ huge frontline.  If Pau Gasol keeps playing like he did, though, they probably don’t need him.  But don’t count on that.

Story Checks Out (Word To Huff & Stapes) Of The Night:

Carlos Boozer?  M.I.A. in the Playoffs.

Jarrett Jack?  Playoff baller.

Denver?  No go-to scorer in the clutch.  And it cost them Game 1.

Andre Iguodala missed a Near Triple-Double because he only managed 4 points?  That’s Jason Kidd type stuff right there… Doc’s clipboard X’s and O’s?  Game tight…  Everywhere you look there is a dang dookie on the court, this off-season.  Danny Green, stand up… Not sure how informative or useful it is, but give us more of Kenny Smith standing in front of that life-size telestrator, becoming part of the replay… Monty Williams tie off, and it’s on to the next… Has Roy Hibbert shown enough to get Hakeem’s cellphone number for a little summer workout session action?…  Honorable mention Eat Your Breakfast goes to Nene on Ibaka.  Ibaka had sent back to me many other orders throughout the game to get on him to hard, though… Best believe the L.O.N. offices will have the Tyler Hansbrough steal/dunk “Champion Of The World!!!” celebration looped on the office big screen once we can get our hands on video that does it justice.  This is all we have so far… Hey, Frank Vogel — TIMEOUT!!!!… Hey, Nic Batum — PASS THE BALL!!!!… Hey, refs — STOP CALLING SO MANY FOULS!!!…

The NBA.  It’s Fan-tastic.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Thanks to the readers that contributed.  Looks like the job crunch has finally led to attrition at the L.O.N. offices as only the Mailroom Supervisor, Legal Counsel and Potato Peeler managed to contribute.  That’s alright, because as Professor Phipps (okay, really Frederick Douglass) once said, “Without struggle, there is no progress.”  Or was that, “Pepper-mint,  Mr. Williams?”.  Whatever.

1)  What is the L.O.N. Pre-Season Top 10 League Pass Ranking?

#1 — Miami Heat.

#2 — Miami Heat.

#3 — Miami Heat.

Forget all that other off-season razzmatazz, we want to see them ball.  Will they run off an 81-1 season, or struggle to make it all work and lose the division to Orlando?  Or even third in the division behind the A-T-Liens as well?  People have not really been talking about the toughness of this division.  However it goes down, we are ready to see it.  And we think LeBron is going to be in 1000% beast mode all year so it’s going to be something to see.

#4 — OKC Thunder –  Kevin.  Durant.  We aren’t even all that high on Westbrook, but KD gets them must-watch status.

#5 — Clip Joint –  BLAKE GRIFFIN.  Year after year, we fall for the trick intrigue of the Clippers… but reports of Griffin in training camp have us falling right back in line.

#6 — Boston — Come on.  The Shaqtue?  We fell in love all over again with the Ceatles in last year’s Playoffs and we want more.  Shaq, Shrek and Donkey will make things interesting enough in the regular season, but with this team, it’s about May and June.  And you hear it every year about various players, but if Kevin Garnett really “has his spring back”…

#7 — San Antonio Spurs –  You know what it is.  Bias.  We ain’t trying to lie.  Hide your wife, hide your kids.

#8 — New York Knicks –  It’s time to see basketball that matters again in the Garden.  We are not even sure that will happen, but if it blows up, the train wreck might be just as entertaining.  And we have a soft spot for Ray Felton.  And the Legend Of Timofey Mozgov.  And Anthony Randolph.

#9 — Milwaukee Bucks — Can they keep it going from last year?  Will Drew Gooden and Corey Maggette drive Scott Skiles absolutely insane?  Mostly, we have not yet gotten our fill of Brandon Jennings, and there’s something about how well Maggette gets to the line and converts that we love to appreciate.

#10 — Houston — The collegiate-like chemistry of this team always makes it fun, and we want to see if this Yao 24-minutes-per-game limit is going to work.  We understand the minute limit, but the whole attitude and outlook towards him seems a bit on the fragilly side.  At some point you have to throw dude to the wolves.  Hopefully it works out like Big Z, who had similar surgery years ago and hasn’t had problems since.

Last of all, we must pay respects to two teams that are usually a staple in this list — the Don Nelson-led Warriors and the Melo/J.R.Smith Nuggets.  Nellie left us for Maui, and there’s just a pall over the whole situation in Denver that sucks out all of the fun.  Let’s throw on that T.R.O.Y. vinyl, replay this dunk over-and-over, and shed a couple tears.

2)  How sick are you of the Lakers?

Sicker than the sickest.  As sick as sick can get.  Sicker than than a Columbus Small Pox blanket.  Sicker than the mannequin in Ferris Bueller’s bed.  We do have to say, though, they keep adding secondary players that we love.  First it was the Official Player Of L.O.N. — Lamar Odom.  Then it was Ron Artest, and now it’s Matt Barnes and Steve Blake — the NBA incarnation of the L.O.N. C.E.O. if he had devoted his life to ball and grown 3 more inches.

3)  Are the Bulls going to be awesome or just great?  Is Carlos Boozer to the Bulls the most underrated off-season move?

Second things first… how about the most overrated?  Iditarod has never done it for us.  He looks like Mr. Clean, but plays like Mr. Soft, taking a bunch of fade-away 10-12 footers.  Then he comes in with a shady pinkie injury that he supposedly hurt while running to answer his door and tripping over a bag… hmmm.  Overall, we have mixed emotions.  Aside from the Booze Cruise, there is Derrick Rose, who is that dude and might be ready to make a leap into the upper echelon (his ad count certainly has), and new coach Tom Thibodeaux who has promise as a great defensive mind, but seems like he’ll succeed more in his second go ’round as head coach, ala Bill Belichick, Scott Skiles, etc..  Call us skeptics.

4)  If Dwyane Wade were a creature at the Aquarium of the Pacific, which would he be?
Wow.  We cannot explain it, but the biggest eel you can find is all that comes to mind.

5)  What do you think of the new technical foul policy?

Wake us in December.  If it’s still being enforced similarly, then we will get involved.  All we know is that Ben Franklin would hope that BOTH sides would act a little more rationally, and that harsher and harsher penalties do not always do much good.

6)  With Rasheed Wallace now retired, who will take his place as the most “T’d up” player in the league?

A lot of the big guns are out to start the season, too, including Kenyon Martin and Kendrick Perkins.  We were surprised to see Dwight Howard came in 2nd place last year behind ‘Sheed.  We are going to go with Kobe, though.  In the first month, alone, while they are still being extra strict, all his looks and air punches are going to get him ahead of the game in the race for ‘Sheed’s belt.

7)  How effective can John Wall be as a rookie PG for the Wizards with Arenas still in the picture and an otherwise weak supporting cast?

BLAKE GRIFFIN.  Sorry, we are little obsessed… We think Wall will be very effective.  The ball is going to be in his hands and we feel like Arenas might have a so-so, disinterested season in which he misses some games here and there, and sort of takes a backseat to Wall on the court.  Wall’s raw athleticism will get him by until he figures out the nuances of the L.

Who will win Rookie Of The Year?

It’s between these two guys, and our vote is Griffin.  And yeah, we also said that last year.

The best rookie on a contender?

There won’t be one?  At least not a big name, unless you are a Gordon Hayward believer, and we are not yet.  The answer to this is probably an obscure undrafted free agent, or possibly, a rookie on a team that no one is expecting to compete.

The most invisible rookie?

The rest of them?  With a couple injuries to guys taken in the Lottery and some underwhelming pre-season play, there is not a lot to get excited about with this rookie class.

8)  Is Kevin Durant the odds-on favorite for MVP?

For the media masses?  Yeah.  For us?  LeBron.  AGAIN.  LeBron’s gonna have an undeniable year on the team with the #1 record.

9)  Which Western Conference team has the best chance to challenge the Lakers this year?

That might be the hardest question to answer so far.  The popular pick is the Thunder, but we think a bit of a backslide is just as likely, if not more likely, than a 2 seed in the West.  Denver is a mess, but they are crazy enough where, if they keep Melo, they might be winning mess.  The Mavs will be their usual “fold like a chair” in the Playoffs selves.  That points to the Spurs or the Jazz (who barely missed the League Pass Top 10… we want to see the new Deron Williams/Al Jefferson combo).  We will resist the homer pick and say Jazz.  Maybe with Boozer leaving, Deron will figure out it’s really his team now and it’s okay for him to try to take over in the clutch.

10)  10 seconds left, Heat down by one, who gets the ball?

We don’t know, but neither will the Heat’s opponents, and that’s the point.  They are going to be so ridiculous on offense with so many options, and with LeBron as playmaker they will simply take whatever the defense gives them.

11)  Do the Celtics’ Big 3 have enough left in the tank for one more run at it with the added depth and size?

For Celtics fans (and Laker haters), it’s sickening to think about what might have been last year with a healthy Perk in Game 7… or even either one of the O’Neal brothers (Shaq and Jermaine).  They definitely have what it takes for another run and we think they’ll have a date in South Beach when the Eastern Conference Finals commence.
 

12)  Is Josh McRoberts this year’s biggest sleeper fantasy starter?

Dook does not exist.  Now THAT is a real fantasy.

13)  Is it true that Stan Van Gundy and Scott Skiles share co-writing credits on Kanye’s “Runaway”?

It definitely sounds like the result of every nitpicking basketball coach pouring out his soul.  “I’m so gifted at finding, what I don’t like the most…”

14)  Which of ESPN/Marvel’s comic collabos is the best representation of the team pictured?

We like the Jordan/Bobcats cover, but the Cleveland joint is probably the most appropriate.  We can see Cleveland fans rocking Cee-Lo’s “Eff You” while staring at that image.  Portland’s is wishful thinking for real… they really do need those cyborg parts


15)  Why not the Pistons image?  Should/can Dumars recreate the Bad Boys?

Good luck with that…  The Pistons still have not won a title since Mehmet Okur left, so maybe that is whom needs to be cloned.

16)  Is Tim Gunn concerned about the new Adidas uniforms?

Full on, finger to glasses, hand on hip, head tilted, forehead furrowed concern.  We will not give a final ruling until we see more games, but so far we are not liking the look of it.  From the brief interview shots we have seen, they look like cheap practice jerseys… but maybe those were practice interviews!

17)  What’s good with uniform changes this year?

As insinuated above, all 30 teams are getting new technologically advance jerseys, courtesy of adidas.  The uniforms are said to be 30 percent lighter, dry twice as fast, and are 60% made from recycled materials.  So even if your team did not change their design, you will notice their unis look slightly different.  Our favorite design changes this year are the new (old) Golden State and Utah unis.  Both brought back elements of old school logo favorites.  We have hated the orange element to the Warriors’ unis ever since it was introduced an would have been happy enough with it’s removal alone.  The city/bridge logo is just icing on the cake.  No other team made any drastic changes, with the Clip Joint, T-Wolves, Cavs and Mavs all making minor tweaks.

18)  Over the past several seasons Stephen Jackson, Al Harrington and DeShawn Stevenson, among others, have raised training camp eyebrows with new tattoos… who is drawing attention this year?

It’s an usual suspect — Chris “Birdman” Andersen.  And there is less competiton than a Fabolous mixtape.  Free.  Bird.

Others:  Paul Pierce inks forearm with “The Truth”

19)  Any hair changes?  Other physical appearance updates?

The only thing we have for you is that Rajon Rondo is headband-less, at least in the pre-season.  A shocking development.  Oh, and sorry to bring him up again, but Blake Griffin has ‘froed it out, a taste.

20)  Which players are the most physically ready for the season?

You know what it is, you know how it is… Always Dwight Howard.  Always Ray Allen.  And while we are talking Dwight Howard…

21)  Hey, Ms. Mailroom Supervisor, which of your H.O.N.nies (Heartthrobs Of The Night), are you most looking forward to seeing this year?

LeBron for sure - new city new vibe… Gilbert Arenas is always a H.O.N. but his questionable behavior has put him on my bad side… Lamar Odom is gaining popularity because of Kardashian love, but I still wouldn’t name a child after him… I need to watch some of the season to get some new blood on this list.

22) Dwight Howard and Hakeem video… comment.

A lot of guys can do a lot of things in the gym, guarded by ghosts and cheered on by their entourages.  The Dream was executing the moves smoother than Howard and is 4X years old and averaged 7.1 ppg 10 years ago.  Howard can still take things to another level on the skills side of things, but that’s easier said than done.  Unless there was a brain transplant on the night of Day 3 of those training sessions, we are not buying in.

23)  So who will win the title?

Heat in 6.  Over the Lakers.

FREE MANNY HARRIS!!!… If anybody can hook us up with a recording for Foolish doing “Belle Isle Man” on the WJLB morning show, we will be forever in your debt… The Kings’ DeMarcus Cousins, or the Spurs training camp participant, Marcus Cousin?… So if they are both starting, that definitively means Tayshaun Prince and Austin Daye are not the same person?… With Allen Iverson signing in Turkey, have we seen his last NBA hurrah?  Let’s hope not.  We need a little more, A.I….

As seen on SLAMOnline

Line Of The Night AKA Near Ice Cube Of The Night:

LeBron James — 41 points, 10 boards, 8 assists

And two mismatched shoes (1 retro Cav Orange, 1 retro Cav Blue).  As the Kobe v. LeBron debate rages on… guess we know one thing The King can do that the Mamba cannot — win in the Rose Garden!  Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Kobe Defenders, stand up!

Ice Cube Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 22 points, 13 assists, 10 boards, 4 steals

Rooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnn-dooooo!

Near Beast Of The Night AKA Career-High Of The Night:

Andrew Bynum — 18 boards (career-high), 17 points, 3 blocks

He really should have grabbed 18 boards at some point before this, right?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Milwaukee Bucks — 77 points vs. the Lakers

Michael Redd hears a pop in his knee after only 12 minutes and 0 points scored.  Brandon Jennings scores 10 points to lead all starters… and that’s more than the ENTIRE TEAM scored in the 1st quarter.  A wonderful recipe for contraction.  Not to mention the Lakers’ Bynum and Lamar Odom severely limited offensive rebound availability with their board work.

NBA Fit Of The Night:

‘Sheed Wallace — 29 points, 8 boards, 2 blocks, 1 steal

There have been lots of complaints about ‘Sheed’s conditioning so far this season.  He has been starting for K.G. (out to rest his knee) lately and bottomed out on Friday in a loss to Hawks in which he shot 5-15.  Now maybe he has turned the corner?  He led the C’s in scoring in what was far and away his best game in the Celtic green.  Is an “NBA Fit” ‘Sheed the silver-lining of K.G.’s injury?

Season Debut Of The Night:

Ian Mahinmi — 15 points, 9 boards, 1 block, 1 assist

The man, the myth, the legend.  Ian in the building.  Another diamond in the rough found and polished up by the Spurs, or just a 1 night Nyets-inspired fluke?  The Spurs can still use all the help they can get at their revolving door labeled “PF”.

We are trying to contain our excitement for J-Creezy’s impending introduction to the Playoffs, but really, it may be time to start the countdown… At 3-34, the proposed (by us, of course) Nyets’ signing of The Situation and Pauly D has to be approaching, as well…  THE RHINO!  Craig Smith — and the Clip Joint — are 1 game from a .500 record and maybe only a few games from the Blake Griffin Era.  On the come up… Come on L.O., 3 more points and you get in here with the Near Ice Cube!… DeShawn Stevenson warms up with “Agent Zero” written on his ankle tape.  Rumor has it David Stern immediately picked up a phone in his office, and all that was heard on the other end of the line was:  “It’s done”…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Kobe Bryant — 40 points, 6 boards, 3 assists, 1 steal

Last night’s game was a nightmare for Lakers-haters far and wide.  Mr. Cryant balled out (wow… the “throw it off the board to myself” play?), made his annoying celebratory faces and obnoxiously told Shane Battier about it throughout the entire affair.  He elbowed Ron Artest in the throat, only to have Artest get called for the foul and eventually get ejected.  Then public enemy number two or three — Derek Fisher — committed a crazily dirty foul on Luis Scola.  The only thing that could have made it worse for Anti-Laker Nation would have been Sasha Vujacic doing anything worthwhile on the court, and therefore getting more face time.

Lakers took this one down, but in our opinion, the Chuckster summed up the rest of this series best, when he asked, “Can Kobe do this 3 more times?”  ‘Cause that might be what it takes.

Worst Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 12 points, 12 boards, 1 assist, 0 blocks

That ain’t Superman, that ain’t Defensive Player Of The Year, that ain’t nothing.  Maybe Underdog?  Hancock?  Handi-Man?  Tiny Avenger?  Head Detective?  That last one definitely made no sense but a Head Detective reference cannot be denied.  And Head Detective would’ve had at least 2 blocks.

Larry Bird Of The Night AKA Near Distribution Center Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 18 assists, 15 points, 11 boards, 2 assists

We tried to tell ya’ll on the last joint that Rondo woke up mid-way through last game.  Ya’ll don’t even gotta go to summer school!  Just pick up that L.O.N. double thread post.  It’ll be all the wisdom you need.

Artestism Of The Night:

Ron Artest has been killing the post-game interviews in the Playoffs, and last night was no different:

“I remember when I used to play back home in the neighborhood, there was always games like that.  I remember one time it was one of my friends he was playing basketball, they was running a game.  It was so competitive they broke a piece of leg from a table and then threw it.  It went right through his heart and he died, right on the court.  So I’m accustomed to playing basketball really rough.”

Rough?  You think?  Were you playing with vampires, Ron?  Was Buffy running point?  Blade puttin’ up triple-doubles from the 3-spot?  Count Chocula with a mean post-game?

Unexpected Double-Double Of The Night:

Carl Landry — 21 points, 10 boards

Nice, but not quite enough to make up for Yao only playing 26 minutes due to foul trouble.  And why can’t Kenny Smith pronounce your name?  Blame it on Ky-y-y-y-y-le Low-ow-ry (word to Jamie Foxx).  He can’t help creating some kind of new amalgamation of Lowrandry every single time.

6th Man Of The Night:

Eddie House — 31 points, 4 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal

Most of this round’s 6th Man shine is on the battle between Jason Terry and J.R. Smith over in the Dallas/Denver series, but last night the spotlight was clearly on House.  Above and beyond his scoring output, his greatest contribution may have been getting under Rafer Alston’s skin enough to draw a head slap which looked like a very suspendable offense.  That leads to one question… will we get a Tyronn “The A.I. Stopper” Lue, appearance in Game 3?  Will he become the “Eddie House Stopper”?

The Rockets are viewed as the tough, agitators, but is it Kobe that is getting under their skin?  Ron-Ron spent a lot of time talking about him post-game, which could also just be a way to draw the refs’ attention to Kobe’s tactics.  One thing is for sure, after reviewing the tape, Kobe should not be suspended, as last night’s elbow was not as vicious joints on Manu, MIke Miller, etc… L.O.N. office playoff sub-plot — with the Nuggets now an “out of nowhere” title contender, two prop bets are in play.  1)  Total career titles by LeBron (The Tech Guy) vs. Melo (C.E.O.) and 2) Total career titles by Darko (The Unpaid Intern, not including Darko’s rookie title) vs. Melo (C.E.O.).  Yes, the Intern took Darko… F.B.I. arrests 37-year-old Cristal Taylor (she of 8 aliases) at the home of Dirk Nowitzki, on a theft charge and a probation violation.  What?  Is Dirk getting Anne Hathaway-ed?…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Yao Ming — 28 points, 10 boards, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Money on the block with a J that hits/While Artest keep talkin’ this defense ish.  Why isn’t there a Houston Rockets Playoff song/Yao highlight reel that remakes the Clipse “Grindin‘” with the chorus as “Yao-Ming”?  The Rockets used another strong Game 1 performance from Yao to overcome an almost non-existent bench.  Welcome to the Playoffs, Lake Show.

Worst Of The Night:

The Kobsters.  Much of the post-game focus was Kobe’s sore throat/sore performance, but he actually did not play all that poorly.  The real problem?  Almost every other Laker had a bad game with maybe the exception of Trevor Ariza, but even he was not spectacular.  This ain’t Utah, fellas.

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 22 boards, 16 points, 3 blocks, 3 assists, 1 steal

But only 12 shots?  We don’t get it.  In the post-game interview, after his team tried its hardest to blow a 28-point lead, he even tried to reprimand his teammates, ala LeBron, in a supportive-yet-pissed kind of way.  But it was clearly a forced facade, as it soon became clear all he really had on his mind was announcing his wrestling name:  “Black Magic”.  Be yourself, Dwight!  We love you for it.

Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 14 points, 10 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals

From our viewpoint, Rondo has not quite been the same since the “throw Hinrich into the stands” incident.  It seemed like he dialed it back after that, losing some of the edge that helped him dominate the Playoffs to that point.  In the second half last night, though, it looked like maybe he flipped the switch back on.  We knew it was official when he tried to dunk on Dwight Howard.  That’s Defensive Player Of The Year Dwight Howard.  Howard just about got served up some of Grandma Rondo’s delicious homemade grits.

The King Is Crowned Of The Night:

In a landslide, LeBron James officially took down his first (of many?) MVP trophy, yesterday.  In true LeBron style, with his teammates in attendance, he accepted the award in a ceremony back at his high school, St. Vincent-St. Mary, in his hometown of Akron.  It was awesome that he actually admitted that he was happy to win the award, but our favorite part was definitely the Friday reference as he thanked his teammates:  “It’s gonna be like the both of ours but I’m a keep it at my house.”  The camera cuts to his teammates, who are mostly laughing, but straight crickets coming from Big Z and Varejao.  So they didn’t ship a version of Friday with Lithuanian and Portuguese subtitles?

Orlando’s Courtney Lee to possibly return for Game 3… Jadakiss is riding for the Nuggets… So, Boston in 7?  Last night’s Game 1 vs. Orlando was eerily similar to their Game 1 loss to Chi-town… Assuming the Cavs win the title, the “must have a Carolina player to win the title” theory will be back in effect.  Two words:  Jawad.  Williams…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night AKA Near Larry Bird Of The Night AKA That Classic Ish Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 28 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 2 steals

If this series is on some classic, Black-Moon-Who-Got-Da-Props/Wu-C.R.E.A.M./Gang Starr-Premo-Take-It-Personal type ish, then Rondo is Biggie, coming out of that environment to take the crown.  But did Biggie ever roller skate?  In suspenders?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Houston Rockets — 77 points vs. Portland

Shane Battier — 4 points, 4 boards, 3 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

One of the various Playoff color men quoted Battier as saying, “If I don’t score, we won’t win”.  Whoomp.  There it is.  Or even whoot.

Illadelph Sixers — 78 points vs. Orlando

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 24 points, 24 boards, 2 blocks, 1 assist, 1 steal

In a pivotal Game 5, Howard and the Magic contract the Sixers and seem to take control of the series… except, Howard will most likely be suspended for that lilac get-up (not the elbow to Samuel Dalembert’s head, as widely reported) and their second-best player in the series — Courtney Lee — could miss Game 6 with his own head ailment.  7 For All Mankind?

Near Beast Of The Night:

Kendrick Perkins — 19 boards, 16 points, 7 blocks, 2 assists, 1 steal

Wow.  Kendrick creeping on a triple-double come up.  We pray for a K.G. miracle return, because, with him, the Ceatles starting lineup is so ridiculously hard body.  Sorry, Big Baby, once you and your BFF Tyrus Thomas have completed your “who can miss the most jumpshots” contest, get back to us.

I Can’t Feel My Face Of The Night:

After Brad Meezy took that grill shot, Weezy and Juelz’s managers quickly contacted John Paxson to see if they could arrange a collabo.  But seriously, if he felt as messed up as he looked, shouldn’t they have let someone else shoot free throws?  If you lose the game, Vinny, then it does not matter if Miller is available for a 2nd OT.  Get somebody in there that can see straight.

Hey, Vinny, one other thing while we have you — maybe you should double Paul Pierce?  Or at least have Salmons stand directly to his right so he cannot shoot THE SAME SHOT 18,922 times in a row!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Frustration… Pop is probably regretting not unleashing George Hill a little earlier in this series.  He did not suffer from whatever ailed Roger Mason and Matt Bonner… Also, does R.C. Buford throw up in his mouth every time he sees a Luis Scola fist pump?… It is extremely hard for us to say this, but.  Um.  Well.  Watch… out… for… the.. [gulp]… Mavs?!?!?!?… But, FREE GERALD GREEN!!!!

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 36 points, 13 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Sure, the Detroit Pistons’ wives, girlfriends and children would have put up a better fight in this series, but Bron’s output is nonetheless historic.  He joined Oscar Robertson and Larry Bird as the only players to ever average 30 ppg, 10 rpg and 7 apg in a post season series.  You’re all welcome.

Worst Of The Night:

The other Spurs:

Matt Bonner, Drew Gooden, Roger Mason, Kurt Thomas, Ime Udoka — a combined 0-15 from the floor

That’s horrid.  And if those guys failed, then Michael Finley got a D- with his 2-6 performance.  Probably the most disappointing of these guys is Mason, he of the regular season hype.  If the Spurs hope to do the impossible, we’re guessing these guys will need to hit at least one shot in Game 5.

Fat Lever Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 25 points, 11 boards, 11 assists, 2 steals

Kenny Smith verbalized the Fat Lever comparison, and Rondo put down the nasty statline.  But despite the brilliant game, did he end up preventing a win with that pull up J at the end of OT 1?  Even if Doc called the play for him, he needs to get into the lane, and not pull up for a 22-foot J.  Or better yet, ignore the coach and get the ball into the hands of the guy that keeps hitting clutch shot after clutch shot — Ray Allen.

Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — 23 points, 11 boards, 9 assists

A few days ago we put Courtney Lee at the top of the Playoff rookie pack.  We’re sorry, Mr. Rose.  The crown is yours.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 18 points, 18 boards, 3 blocks, 1 steal

The stat line looks dominating, but you couldn’t really tell it during the game.  The Magic barely eeked by the Sixers on a game-winning 3 by the Turkish Michael Jordan.  This series is up for grabs.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Atlanta Hawks — 78 points vs. Miami

The team was terrible on Saturday, but we really want contracted is Coach Hootie’s ridiculous goatee.

Detroit Pistons — 78 points vs. Cleveland

Good gracious… put these cats out of their misery.  The Pistons performance this season can only be described as sad and depressing.

Question Of The Night:

Prior to a free throw on Saturday in N’Awlins, what could have made both ‘Melo and Peja laugh, simultaneously?  Do we need a buddy copy movie starring those two?

I.  Will.  Not.  Lose.  Of The Night:

Kobe Bryant — 38 points, 6 boards, 2 steals, 1 assist

The Kobster wasted no time in Game 4.  Early in the first quarter he started systematically ripping the heart out of each and every member of the Jazz organization, taking a bite out of it, then throwing it on the court and stomping on it.  Not sure if Phil Jackson yelled:  “FINISH HIM!!!” in the midst of this.

Really Ryan Hollins?  Come on, settle down… What is wrong with the New Orleans crowd?  Awesome participation in the t-shirt promotion, sure, but the place sounded like a library… Nice to see Travis Outlaw join the Playoff festivities finally… Did the NBA actually murk the Playoffs marketing game this year?  Kanyeezy?  The slow-mo orchestra joints?  Never thought amazing would happen in the NBA marketing offices…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Tony Parker — 38 points, 8 assists, 4 boards, 2 steals

We could hear C-Webb’s “French laugh” all the way over here on the Left Coast.  With new episodes of Desperate Housewives finally back on the air, guess Tony could concentrate on the matter at hand — the Playoffs.  He bounced back with a score-at-will performance in Game 2 to get the Spurs back on track.  This is the franchise that lost Game 1 in the opening round of each of their last 3 championship runs, so maybe it was simply part of the master plan.

Worst Of The Night:

Dirk Nowitzki — 14 points on 3-14 shooting, 6 boards, 3 assists, 2 steals

Not only did the Dallas role players not bring it in Game 2, neither did the big guns, especially Dirk.  But no one is shocked by that, right?  At least he put up some shots, Josh Howard was completely Styles P out there.

Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 19 points, 16 assists, 12 boards, 5 steals

Rooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooondooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo was putting it down, getting it in, laying it down, whatever you want say, in Game 2. So while Derrick Rose did not repeat his absurd offensive Playoff debut, he did repeat in allowing Rondo to do pretty much whatever he wanted all game.  And that was in spite of a nasty looking leg turn near the end of the 1st half.  With Leon Powe set to miss some time, the C’s will be in serious trouble if that ankle knocks Rondo out for any amount of time.

Last Shot Wins Of The Night:

And Ray Allen and the Celtics got the last shot.  In a sick, sick mano-e-mano showcase down the stretch, Allen went head up against fellow Husky Ben Gordon.  Gordon was hot earlier and longer, but Allen was hot later and last.  Shouldn’t the Bulls have gotten the ball in Gordon’s hands at any cost for that last shot with 2 seconds left, even if it was a heave?

Sally’s Got A One Track Mind Of The Night:

Ben Gordon — 42 points, 1 board, 1 steal

“I’m focused, maaaan”.  It’s hard work to grab only 1 board in 44 minutes.

Coach Of The Year Of The Night:

Congrats to Mike Brown who lead the Cavs to the best record in the league this year to take down this award.  And by “lead the Cavs to the best record” we mean “had LeBron on his team.”  In related news, Joe Smith rapping the Cavs Playoff Anthem?  What?  Huh?  More on this to come…

What’s better, Brad Meezy doing the Tim Thomas-Tony Yayo-DeShawn Stevenson-I Can’t Feel My Face Hand, or Joakim Noah doing it after Meezy nails a three?… On 04/20, when Mike Fratello says that Drew Gooden is “a high energy player”, it has a whole ‘nother meaning.  Word to Asher Roth… Are those guys in the Heineken ad screaming for the beer, or screaming because they just saw that damn Popeye’s Chicken ad for the 3,912th time in one night?  It hurts our soul to see Starbury passing up open shots… Best-dressed on the C’s bench — K.G. or Scalabrine?… Can the sideline reporter PLEASE fills us in on the candy situation behind the Spurs’ bench?

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Danny Granger — 27 points, 9 boards, 5 assists, 5 steals

Granger, again?  Aw yeah, again and again.  Dude is nasty.  Two straight L.O.N.nies nasty.  Unfortunately, at 8-16, looks like he and his Pacers are at least 1 year away from any sort of primetime love, but the true heads know.  And the Wiz fa sho know, after last night.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 25 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals

Just let C-Webb tell you.  Double R is getting it done, he’s getting it in, he’s getting in his bag, and he’s going in, too.  Can he grab an Eastern Conference All-Star guard spot?  D-Wade, A.I., Joe Johnson?  Devin Harris?  Jose Calderon?  Dare we say… Derrick Rose?  If Peezy is out for any time with this knee injury does he step it up and end all debate?  Will he get a quadruple-double this year, with a line that includes 10 behind-the-back pass fakes in one game?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Charlotte Bobcats — 79 points vs. the ATLiens

Boris Diaw showcased his all-around game in this one, dropping 25 on his former team.  The Cats have no reliable 2nd option on offense, though, which caught up with them in the 4th quarter when they could only manage 11 points.  Maybe an improved D, but definitely a generally horrid offense.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Not only did rook Ryan Anderson drop a career-high 21 points to lead his Nets to a road win in the T-Dot last night, he also enjoyed an extra serving of the most important meal of the day.  After losing his man, who was shading towards Chris Bosh at the elbow extended,  Joey Graham received a pass in the corner, went baseline, then BOOM!  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST, RYAN!  Bet you never had a Canadian bacon, graham crackers sandwich, homey!

What is in Paul Millsap’s Wheaties bowl, lately?… J.R. Smith tied the Mavs, BY HIMSELF, in the the 4th quarter last night, 17-17.  The Garbageman strikes again… Yeah, that’s 15 in a row for Boston.  That’s a ratings bonanza if they can hold onto that until Christmas Day…