L.O.N.

Line Of The Night:

Zach Randolph — 31 points, 11 zbounds, 2 assists, 1 steal

That is how you close out a series!  Despite being blanketed by Antonio McDyess in the 4th quarter, Z-Bo hit difficult shot, after difficult shot, after impossible shot to finish off the Spurs, completing only the fourth 8th seed first round victory in NBA history.  They outplayed the Spurs the entire series, but you have to wonder — or even obsess, if your name is Manu Ginobili — what might have happened if the Spurs best player had not missed Game 1.  That is no discredit to the Grizz though, as they earned every single win.

Worst Of The Night:

Richard Jefferson — 6.5 points, 4.2 boards, .8 assists, .5 blocks, .5 steals

So much for this year’s “revitalized” Jefferson.  After playing well in the first 2 games, RJ completely fell off the map, thoroughly out-played by Memphis’ Sam Young.  Jefferson is due about $30 million over the next 3 years… any takers?  He is perhaps the biggest question mark on the existing roster of a Spurs that is sure to be active this offseason.  They will still be poised to make regular season noise next year, but they need some young height in that frontcourt to be a postseason factor going forward.

MEM vs. OKC Of The Night:

By the time you read this, it will be less than 24 hours until Memphis has to get right back at it.  No time for celebration on Beale street for the giant slayers.  They will face a very different challenge in the 2nd round.  Can Tony Allen have the same defense impact against Kevin Durant or Russell Westbrook that he had against Manu Ginobili?  If Allen is charged with Durant, will Westbrook eviscerate Mike Conley like Tony Parker started to do towards the end of their series?  Will Z-Bo have the same offensive impact matched against the Kendrick Perkins/Serge Ibaka frontcourt?  If he does not, we are not sure the Grizz have a plan B.  We see the Thunder taking this one in as little as 5, as they vie to complete the changing of the guard in the West.

DAL vs. LAL Of The Night:

It is somewhat shocking that Dirk’s Mavs have never met Kobe’s Lakers in the Playoffs.  Chalk that up to Lakers’ lull several years ago and Dallas’ choke jobs the past few years.  Dallas looked better than people expected in the first round, while the Lakers looked a little worse.  This is a “prove it” series for the Mavs, and a “ya’ll better have won that one” for the Lakers.  The Mavs have the size to at least battle the Lakers bigs, so this one might come down to the strictly star power — Dirk vs. Kobe.  The Lakers have Lamar Odom to at least give Dirk trouble, but do the Mavs have any one to do the same against Kobe?  Looks like (hopefully) a 7 gamer.  Until we see actual evidence to the contrary, we have to begrudgingly pick the Lake Show.  AARP watch:  Jason Kidd vs. Derek Fisher.

ATL vs. CHI Of The Night:

People are saying the Bulls D will give the Hawks fits, but the Hawks LOVE terrible shots… so does defense matter?  They definitely have more offensive firepower than the Pacers and we saw how much of a battle that series was.  The Hawks have been literally hamstrung by starting point guard Kirk Hinrich’s injury, who will miss the series.  Big blow.  Since they drafted Marvin Williams ahead of Chris Paul, do they reserve the right to make that trade for the next round?  On the other side, it looks like Carlos Boozer will be suiting up in Game 1 despite an injured toe.  We think the Hawks will surprise people by pushing this one 7, but that Derrick Rose and the Bulls eventually pull it out.  Gator stomp watch:  Al Horford vs. Joakim Noah.

BOS vs. MIA Of The Night:

Awwwwww, sookie socky.  We have been waiting all season for this one.  De facto Eastern Conference Finals?  We think so.  Not much to be said about this one that will not be covered ad nauseam, other than WATCH.  AND ENJOY.  Heat in 7.  Guard changed.  Get Boshty with it.  Castoffs watch:  Jermaine O’Neal, Shaquille O’Neal (maybe) and Carlos Arroyo vs. Eddie House…

Argh, Shane Battier takes down Danny Green, and with Denver going out, the Carolina influence has been hamstrung.  They are left with Marvin Williams, Brendan Haywood and Mitch Kupchak if you want to dig deep, vs. Battier and Boozer… Antonio McDyess had a very long and solid career in which he had to remake himself following atheleticism-robbing knee and leg injuries.  No doubt the Spurs would love to have his consistent jumper and expert post D back, but if that was your last game Antonio, we wish you well… Unless there is behind-the-scenes stuff we don’t know, it only makes sense to us for the Pacers to bring back both Larry Bird and Frank Vogel…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 27 points, 15 assists, 13 boards, 2 steals

This was the output we thought we were gonna get in Game 3.  Maybe it was “returning home” hangover or the Lakers’ focus, but Paul couldn’t put on his closer cape in that one, because the game was pretty much out of reach.  Game 4 was a different story.  Donning a GaGa-esque black bandage on his eye, the Hornets went back to a pick-and-roll emphasis, and we once again reveled in Heaven:  CP3 dancing and destroying whatever Lakers big man covered him following the pick-and-roll switch.  Oh so lovely.

Worst Of The Night:

Illadelph 76ers 86, Miami Heat 82 — Ya’ll let one get a way yesterday, Miami.  Not only was your season-long crunch time weakness once again exposed, but your 2nd round opponent, the Celtics, take care of business.  Ya’ll needed to keep the pressure on them, getting them back on the court ASAP.  Now you give the playoff team that probably values rest the most, a little more of that, as well as additional preparation time and maybe even enough time to get Shaq back in the picture.  Round 2 might be the virtual Eastern Conference Finals and maybe even the NBA Finals.  Ya’ll let one slip.

Worst Of The Night Part II:

The New York Knicks 1st Round performance.  We are not fully blaming them — the injuries were certainly out of there control — but overall, having the Knicks back in the Playoffs wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.  They were swept, and even Melo’s inspired Game 2 performance was overshadowed by the team’s comedy of errors down the stretch.  The crowd was even underwhelming in Game 4.  Ya’ll gotta will them out of that shotting funk, Garden!  If you are looking for a silver lining, at least they were the first playoff team featured in Inside The NBA’s “Gone Fishin’” segment!

Hollywood Ending Of The Night:

Brandon Roy — 24 points, 5 assists, 4 boards

The scene was so beautiful.  Fans going crazy.  The former superstar turned soul-searching injured bench warmer all of a sudden once again finding his stride.  He did not find it during practice following a standard rehab schedule.  He did not find it a few games into his return, after shaking off the rust.  He found it while swirling in maelstrom of desperation.  Individual desperation and team desperation was in full effect.  In the weeks, even days, even hours, prior, it looked like Roy had lost his game.  Lost his aura.  Another name on the too long list of stars failed by their bodies.  Meanwhile his team, the bandwagon pick to pull off a first round upset, was about as close as you can get to falling behind 3-1 with a trip back to the other team’s gym on the horizon.  Then he found it.  He probably could not explain it if he tried, but there it was.  The superstar game was back, resulting in 18 4th quarter points, a frenzied crowd, a Portland win and a tied series.  This may have been a one night experience, but if you can close your eyes and let the credits roll, it is an unforgettable Playoff snapshot.

Jamal Crawford — A Love Affair Of The Night:

It was a cold Ann Arbor winter night.  Or maybe a Sunday afternoon.  Kevin Gaines, Josh Asselin and maybe even Peter Vignier had kept it close, but they needed a little help from this tall, hockey stick-thin kid with wide eyes and ever wider range.  This guy not only lit you up with this crossover and J, but with his teenage smile.  On a team overrun with talent mediocrity and coaching ineptitude, he stood out like the rose that grew from concrete.  His name?  Jamal Crawford.  He came from overcast, rainy Seattle to overcast, snowy Ann Arbor with only a headband and a dream. He left with at least the eternal love of one fan, incepting memories that cannot be erased.

That day (or was it night?), he hit a game-winner.  He probably crossed up some poor Big 10 defender en route.  He definitely celebrated euphorically as ran to the opposite end of the court, hands in the air.  Maybe he hit a few more game-winners.  Maybe it just seems like that, but if you were there that night (or was it day?), a love affair was born.

He was gone too soon for us, probably too late for him.  The students that showed him love represented a university that was sinking into a pit of basketball rubble that would take years to excavate.  But if you were there, you did not forget.  You carried him with you.  The masses may have viewed him as a mere distraction to the 11-man and 6-man teams deemed more important on campus, but sitting right there in the 5th row, only feet away from the magic he created, you knew the truth.  From thousands of miles away, even when it appeared on the surface that maybe he had become lost in the abyss of lottery-bound NBA basketball, you knew the spark could not be completely extinguished.

That’s why we scream out J-Creezy, randomly, for no apparent reason.  That’s why after hitting a Playoff game-winner Friday night, and leading the Hawks in scoring for another Playoff win Sunday shouts of “CRIZZLES!” rang throughout the L.O.N. offices.  That’s why you can’t judge basketball by a boxscore alone, and why no two fans have quite the same opinion of any given player.  Basketball is an art.  A lot of guys have scored 25 this season.  Several have hit game-winners.  But none did it quite the same way J-Creezy did.

Explain It All Away Of The Night AKA (Valid?) Excuses Spurs Makes Of The Night:

Game 1 — One excuse, and one excuse only:   Manu was hurt.  Bottomline.

Game 3 — A Zach Randolph 3?  Darrell Who?  Marc Gasol shooting from where?  The Spurs missed a quadrillion open shots, were uncharacteristically careless with the ball (um, that means you, Tony Parker), failed to even get a potential game-tying shot off on the final possession, and generally played with their head in a fog all night.  All that said, the Grizz barely pulled it off.  We got this.

Sounds reasonable.  It has been one bad bounce after another for them, but at some point, the other team gets credit.  Game 4 will go a long way to show us which way the scale will tip.

Fab 5ism Of The Night:

Chris Webber speaking on Phil Jackson’s post-game comments:  “When I think of punk, I think of tall people letting little people do stuff to ‘em”

Real.  Talk.  The Lakers generally have a height advantage at every position against the Hornets.  It is pretty sick and very frustrating.  It almost seems unfair, but then they manage to lose the game.  Height ain’t heart, we guess.

Did the League rig the Pacers into the Playoffs to add a little hot sauce in the form of drama, to the first round?  Good lord they tried to give away that victory too… Usually championship teams don’t really have holes in their starting lineups.  The prosecution presents to you Exhibit A:  Keith Bogans… Has Ariza’s 3-point game regressed?… Same ol’ Nuggets… But, J.R. — we feel ya.  THAT WAS A FOUL!!!… Exhibit B:  Zydrunas Ilgauskas?… For the positive spin read above, but on the reals, that was a Dallas choke.  Or should we say, another Dallas choke.  We praised Dirk just a few days ago, but c’mon man.  Get it done… We love that each member of the C’s Big 4 lead the team in scoring in one of their games against the Knicks… Exhibit C:  Mike Bibby?… Gilbert tried to get on his Brandon Roy grind, but Stan Van ruined the final scene.  Give Gil the ball for the tie!… Emeka Okafor has not quite mastered that “Throw The Ball As Hard As I Can Against The Backboard” shot… We can see Hornets fans pulling out their Willie Green (missed a key free throw and decided to go for the score instead of running clock, in the crunch time) and Marco Belinelli (really, stop shooting) Voodoo dolls now… That Eastern Conference #1 seed is looking more advantageous by the day.  Is anybody threatened by either the Hawks or the Magic?…

CRIZZLES!!!!!

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Thanks to the readers that contributed.  Looks like the job crunch has finally led to attrition at the L.O.N. offices as only the Mailroom Supervisor, Legal Counsel and Potato Peeler managed to contribute.  That’s alright, because as Professor Phipps (okay, really Frederick Douglass) once said, “Without struggle, there is no progress.”  Or was that, “Pepper-mint,  Mr. Williams?”.  Whatever.

1)  What is the L.O.N. Pre-Season Top 10 League Pass Ranking?

#1 — Miami Heat.

#2 — Miami Heat.

#3 — Miami Heat.

Forget all that other off-season razzmatazz, we want to see them ball.  Will they run off an 81-1 season, or struggle to make it all work and lose the division to Orlando?  Or even third in the division behind the A-T-Liens as well?  People have not really been talking about the toughness of this division.  However it goes down, we are ready to see it.  And we think LeBron is going to be in 1000% beast mode all year so it’s going to be something to see.

#4 — OKC Thunder –  Kevin.  Durant.  We aren’t even all that high on Westbrook, but KD gets them must-watch status.

#5 — Clip Joint –  BLAKE GRIFFIN.  Year after year, we fall for the trick intrigue of the Clippers… but reports of Griffin in training camp have us falling right back in line.

#6 — Boston — Come on.  The Shaqtue?  We fell in love all over again with the Ceatles in last year’s Playoffs and we want more.  Shaq, Shrek and Donkey will make things interesting enough in the regular season, but with this team, it’s about May and June.  And you hear it every year about various players, but if Kevin Garnett really “has his spring back”…

#7 — San Antonio Spurs –  You know what it is.  Bias.  We ain’t trying to lie.  Hide your wife, hide your kids.

#8 — New York Knicks –  It’s time to see basketball that matters again in the Garden.  We are not even sure that will happen, but if it blows up, the train wreck might be just as entertaining.  And we have a soft spot for Ray Felton.  And the Legend Of Timofey Mozgov.  And Anthony Randolph.

#9 — Milwaukee Bucks — Can they keep it going from last year?  Will Drew Gooden and Corey Maggette drive Scott Skiles absolutely insane?  Mostly, we have not yet gotten our fill of Brandon Jennings, and there’s something about how well Maggette gets to the line and converts that we love to appreciate.

#10 — Houston — The collegiate-like chemistry of this team always makes it fun, and we want to see if this Yao 24-minutes-per-game limit is going to work.  We understand the minute limit, but the whole attitude and outlook towards him seems a bit on the fragilly side.  At some point you have to throw dude to the wolves.  Hopefully it works out like Big Z, who had similar surgery years ago and hasn’t had problems since.

Last of all, we must pay respects to two teams that are usually a staple in this list — the Don Nelson-led Warriors and the Melo/J.R.Smith Nuggets.  Nellie left us for Maui, and there’s just a pall over the whole situation in Denver that sucks out all of the fun.  Let’s throw on that T.R.O.Y. vinyl, replay this dunk over-and-over, and shed a couple tears.

2)  How sick are you of the Lakers?

Sicker than the sickest.  As sick as sick can get.  Sicker than than a Columbus Small Pox blanket.  Sicker than the mannequin in Ferris Bueller’s bed.  We do have to say, though, they keep adding secondary players that we love.  First it was the Official Player Of L.O.N. — Lamar Odom.  Then it was Ron Artest, and now it’s Matt Barnes and Steve Blake — the NBA incarnation of the L.O.N. C.E.O. if he had devoted his life to ball and grown 3 more inches.

3)  Are the Bulls going to be awesome or just great?  Is Carlos Boozer to the Bulls the most underrated off-season move?

Second things first… how about the most overrated?  Iditarod has never done it for us.  He looks like Mr. Clean, but plays like Mr. Soft, taking a bunch of fade-away 10-12 footers.  Then he comes in with a shady pinkie injury that he supposedly hurt while running to answer his door and tripping over a bag… hmmm.  Overall, we have mixed emotions.  Aside from the Booze Cruise, there is Derrick Rose, who is that dude and might be ready to make a leap into the upper echelon (his ad count certainly has), and new coach Tom Thibodeaux who has promise as a great defensive mind, but seems like he’ll succeed more in his second go ’round as head coach, ala Bill Belichick, Scott Skiles, etc..  Call us skeptics.

4)  If Dwyane Wade were a creature at the Aquarium of the Pacific, which would he be?
Wow.  We cannot explain it, but the biggest eel you can find is all that comes to mind.

5)  What do you think of the new technical foul policy?

Wake us in December.  If it’s still being enforced similarly, then we will get involved.  All we know is that Ben Franklin would hope that BOTH sides would act a little more rationally, and that harsher and harsher penalties do not always do much good.

 

6)  With Rasheed Wallace now retired, who will take his place as the most “T’d up” player in the league?

A lot of the big guns are out to start the season, too, including Kenyon Martin and Kendrick Perkins.  We were surprised to see Dwight Howard came in 2nd place last year behind ‘Sheed.  We are going to go with Kobe, though.  In the first month, alone, while they are still being extra strict, all his looks and air punches are going to get him ahead of the game in the race for ‘Sheed’s belt.

7)  How effective can John Wall be as a rookie PG for the Wizards with Arenas still in the picture and an otherwise weak supporting cast?

BLAKE GRIFFIN.  Sorry, we are little obsessed… We think Wall will be very effective.  The ball is going to be in his hands and we feel like Arenas might have a so-so, disinterested season in which he misses some games here and there, and sort of takes a backseat to Wall on the court.  Wall’s raw athleticism will get him by until he figures out the nuances of the L.

Who will win Rookie Of The Year?

It’s between these two guys, and our vote is Griffin.  And yeah, we also said that last year.

The best rookie on a contender?

There won’t be one?  At least not a big name, unless you are a Gordon Hayward believer, and we are not yet.  The answer to this is probably an obscure undrafted free agent, or possibly, a rookie on a team that no one is expecting to compete.

The most invisible rookie?

The rest of them?  With a couple injuries to guys taken in the Lottery and some underwhelming pre-season play, there is not a lot to get excited about with this rookie class.

8)  Is Kevin Durant the odds-on favorite for MVP?

For the media masses?  Yeah.  For us?  LeBron.  AGAIN.  LeBron’s gonna have an undeniable year on the team with the #1 record.

9)  Which Western Conference team has the best chance to challenge the Lakers this year?

That might be the hardest question to answer so far.  The popular pick is the Thunder, but we think a bit of a backslide is just as likely, if not more likely, than a 2 seed in the West.  Denver is a mess, but they are crazy enough where, if they keep Melo, they might be winning mess.  The Mavs will be their usual “fold like a chair” in the Playoffs selves.  That points to the Spurs or the Jazz (who barely missed the League Pass Top 10… we want to see the new Deron Williams/Al Jefferson combo).  We will resist the homer pick and say Jazz.  Maybe with Boozer leaving, Deron will figure out it’s really his team now and it’s okay for him to try to take over in the clutch.

10)  10 seconds left, Heat down by one, who gets the ball?

We don’t know, but neither will the Heat’s opponents, and that’s the point.  They are going to be so ridiculous on offense with so many options, and with LeBron as playmaker they will simply take whatever the defense gives them.

11)  Do the Celtics’ Big 3 have enough left in the tank for one more run at it with the added depth and size?

For Celtics fans (and Laker haters), it’s sickening to think about what might have been last year with a healthy Perk in Game 7… or even either one of the O’Neal brothers (Shaq and Jermaine).  They definitely have what it takes for another run and we think they’ll have a date in South Beach when the Eastern Conference Finals commence.
 

12)  Is Josh McRoberts this year’s biggest sleeper fantasy starter?

Dook does not exist.  Now THAT is a real fantasy.

13)  Is it true that Stan Van Gundy and Scott Skiles share co-writing credits on Kanye’s “Runaway”?

It definitely sounds like the result of every nitpicking basketball coach pouring out his soul.  “I’m so gifted at finding, what I don’t like the most…”

14)  Which of ESPN/Marvel’s comic collabos is the best representation of the team pictured?

We like the Jordan/Bobcats cover, but the Cleveland joint is probably the most appropriate.  We can see Cleveland fans rocking Cee-Lo’s “Eff You” while staring at that image.  Portland’s is wishful thinking for real… they really do need those cyborg parts


15)  Why not the Pistons image?  Should/can Dumars recreate the Bad Boys?

Good luck with that…  The Pistons still have not won a title since Mehmet Okur left, so maybe that is whom needs to be cloned.

16)  Is Tim Gunn concerned about the new Adidas uniforms?

Full on, finger to glasses, hand on hip, head tilted, forehead furrowed concern.  We will not give a final ruling until we see more games, but so far we are not liking the look of it.  From the brief interview shots we have seen, they look like cheap practice jerseys… but maybe those were practice interviews!

17)  What’s good with uniform changes this year?

As insinuated above, all 30 teams are getting new technologically advance jerseys, courtesy of adidas.  The uniforms are said to be 30 percent lighter, dry twice as fast, and are 60% made from recycled materials.  So even if your team did not change their design, you will notice their unis look slightly different.  Our favorite design changes this year are the new (old) Golden State and Utah unis.  Both brought back elements of old school logo favorites.  We have hated the orange element to the Warriors’ unis ever since it was introduced an would have been happy enough with it’s removal alone.  The city/bridge logo is just icing on the cake.  No other team made any drastic changes, with the Clip Joint, T-Wolves, Cavs and Mavs all making minor tweaks.

18)  Over the past several seasons Stephen Jackson, Al Harrington and DeShawn Stevenson, among others, have raised training camp eyebrows with new tattoos… who is drawing attention this year?

It’s an usual suspect — Chris “Birdman” Andersen.  And there is less competiton than a Fabolous mixtape.  Free.  Bird.

Others:  Paul Pierce inks forearm with “The Truth”

19)  Any hair changes?  Other physical appearance updates?

The only thing we have for you is that Rajon Rondo is headband-less, at least in the pre-season.  A shocking development.  Oh, and sorry to bring him up again, but Blake Griffin has ‘froed it out, a taste.

20)  Which players are the most physically ready for the season?

You know what it is, you know how it is… Always Dwight Howard.  Always Ray Allen.  And while we are talking Dwight Howard…

21)  Hey, Ms. Mailroom Supervisor, which of your H.O.N.nies (Heartthrobs Of The Night), are you most looking forward to seeing this year?

LeBron for sure - new city new vibe… Gilbert Arenas is always a H.O.N. but his questionable behavior has put him on my bad side… Lamar Odom is gaining popularity because of Kardashian love, but I still wouldn’t name a child after him… I need to watch some of the season to get some new blood on this list.

22) Dwight Howard and Hakeem video… comment.

A lot of guys can do a lot of things in the gym, guarded by ghosts and cheered on by their entourages.  The Dream was executing the moves smoother than Howard and is 4X years old and averaged 7.1 ppg 10 years ago.  Howard can still take things to another level on the skills side of things, but that’s easier said than done.  Unless there was a brain transplant on the night of Day 3 of those training sessions, we are not buying in.

23)  So who will win the title?

Heat in 6.  Over the Lakers.

FREE MANNY HARRIS!!!… If anybody can hook us up with a recording for Foolish doing “Belle Isle Man” on the WJLB morning show, we will be forever in your debt… The Kings’ DeMarcus Cousins, or the Spurs training camp participant, Marcus Cousin?… So if they are both starting, that definitively means Tayshaun Prince and Austin Daye are not the same person?… With Allen Iverson signing in Turkey, have we seen his last NBA hurrah?  Let’s hope not.  We need a little more, A.I….

As seen on SLAMOnline:

More than many recent seasons, little intrigue lies at the top of the NBA standings.  Some combo of the East’s Ceatles/Cavs/Magic and the West’s Lakers/Spurs will meet in the Finals.  Ok, we will be lenient and throw the Nuggets and Mavs in there as well.  So if all you care about is the results at the top, come back in time for the Playoffs.  But for the true NBA heads, it’s all about the journey.  Welcome to the trip guide for that journey, the 2009-2010 L.O.N. Season Preview, questions-style — word to A Tribe Called Quest, Common and Mos Def.

1)  What have you missed most about the NBA?  Is it hard to get excited about the NBA when you are not excited about your team?

Not when you have…

Ralph Lawler… Big Baby Davis jokes… Rajon Rondo roller skating jokes… J.R. Smith… LeBron James triple-doubles… check that, ALL triple-doubles… EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!! moments… beautiful lefty jump shots… Jeff Van Gundy… C-WEBB, GP AND AHMAD RASHAD!  Our main men…  T.J. Ford… Anthony Parker finally able to showcase his sick professionalism on a national stage as the new shooting guard for the Cleveland Cavs… Derrick Rose… The crazy number of lineup combos Dallas can throw out, the coach and statistical-based staff that can dream those combos up and an owner just crazy enough to support the whole process… THE BIRDMAN!!!…  Joe Dumars best signing of the off-season — bringing back Chucky Atkins so now we can rejoice when Mason shouts out: “CHUCKY-CHUCKY Atttttttttt-kins”… The pure excitement of Anthony Randolph’s spontaneity and on-the-court recklessness… The electricity sparked every time Jonny Flynn takes the floor…  Shaun Livingston…

2)  What is the L.O.N. Pre-Season Top 10 League Pass Ranking?

#1 — Denver — Basketball debauchery in the flesh — J.R. Smith is the human embodiment and Denver is the team embodiment.  While losing a bit of fun with the departure of Linas Kleiza, they gained a facilitator of debauchery in Ty Lawson.  With Chauncey Billups and Melo making sure things stay fun in the win column, the Nuggets are the best combination of winning and entertainment in the League today.

#2 — Oklahoma City –  As the evolution of Kevin Durant continues, we will be watching.

#3 — San Antonio — We are well known Spurs supporters and with Manu back in the mix and majorly hyped new pieces in Richard Jefferson, Antonio McDyess and DeJuan Blair, we gotta see what kind of team Pop can make out of these guys.  And how about those seemingly minor moves to fill out the bench?  We can see Keith Bogans and Theo Ratliff playing important roles in spurts this season.

#4 — Cleveland — We love Shaq.  We love LeBron.  But do we love Shaq and LeBron?  Time to find out.

#5 — Los Angeles Lakers — What?  Did we just say that?  Choosing to listen to Joel Meyers?  Well, at least they are a part of many national broadcasts.  We cannot help it.  This thing could explode and we want to be there when it does.  If all else fails, we have the Official Player Of L.O.N. to enjoy — Lamar Odom.

#6 — Golden State — A crazy coach leading a crazy cast of characters playing a crazy brand of basketball.  We love it.

#7 — Washington — We missed Gilbert last year and want to see him back at full strength.  But if there is no Gilbert, this team drops out of these rankings in a hurry.  If he can stay on the court, he becomes the centerpiece of a surprisingly deep roster.  This team can do some things.

#8 — Chicago — Derrick Rose.

#9 — Atlanta — We love J-Creezy and we are going to love finally seeing him in the Playoffs.  You might even be able to convince us that this team could theoretically move themselves up in the Eastern Conference hierarchy.  Okay, did the East just get really deep?  Deeper than the West?  Deeper than rap?  RAAAWWWWWWSE.

#10 — Phoenix — If no one else is on, give us the uptempo team every time.

3)  Will Shaq and LeBron dominate the entire world this season?  What hi-jinx will they get in to?

This is perhaps the most discussed subplot and acquisition of the off-season.  However, the aspect that has been under-reported, is what this could mean for pre-game lineup intro rituals.  Last year Shaq’s Suns and LeBrons’s Cavs both produced highly entertaining intros game after game.  Now what happens when these forces unite?  Paul and John creating magic or Paul and John wrecking their team?  Tune in early for Cavs games and you just may catch a glimpse of their on-the-court fate.

4)  Is LeBron going to leave Cleveland?

No idea.  It all depends on what he envisions as his ultimate goal.  Win title-upon-title at all costs?  He signs the veteran’s minimum in San Antonio, Orlando or Portland.  Win the titles without sacrificing contract money, and a side order of major market power?  He joins the Clip Joint and teams with Eric Gordon, Boom Dizzle and Blake Griffin.  Hopefully, maybe win and become the hometown hero while maximizing your NBA money?  Cavs, holmes.  Take over the world, literally, with Jay-Z?  Hello, Brooklyn (maybe) Nyets.  Maximize your marketing prowess AND flirt with that oh-so-alluring season triple-double average in the Basketball Mecca?  He gets that New York State Of Mind and heads the high octane D’Antoni Knicks.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?  Tune in next summer to find out.  Sorry in advance for all of the endless speculation between now and then.

5)  Will LeBron repeat his 2008-09 MVP campaign?  Can he keep improving at basketball?

He definitely can keep improving, and there is no reason to think he will not.  The MVP award is notoriously political and fickle, though, and there is no guarantee he will get the award even if he puts up the best numbers (which he will).  But as long as Steve Nash has more MVPs than LeBron, Kobe and Shaq (1 each) the award remains an absolute joke.

6)  Tell us about LeBron vs. Braylon.  If they both called you and lobbied for you to take their side, whom would you roll with?  Did LeBron secretly stage this whole thing to send Braylon out to scout NY ahead of time?

All we’ll say is this — you cannot spell Braylon without L.O.N.

Now for the Tech Guy’s (a noted Michigan alum) commentary on the situation:  “I would’ve punched his chump friend, too.  He’s probably an Ohio State fan.”

7)  Why does Shaq hate Kobe so much and does he still?

Well… because Kobe is Kobe.  Ha!  But seriously, they play nice in public, but we are pretty sure the hate, or at least animosity, tension, whatever you want to call it, still brews beneath the surface.  But even if it’s not hate, there is most certainly a competition when it comes to career titles.  With both having legit shots at that 5th ring this year, the rivalry is alive and well.  The NBA powers that be would absolutely love a Lakers/Cavs Finals pitting these two (oh, and some guy named LeBron) against each other.

8)  Did L.O.N. C.E.O. Shannon Booher get any training camp invites after dunking on and injuring L.O.N. Head of Sales, Bread Costello?

Unfortunately the Head of Sales used his diabolical influences to immediately confiscate and destroy the grainy home video of this occasion.  Without this key piece of evidence, GMs just weren’t willing to roll the dice on the self-described “poor man’s mix of Steve Blake and Larry Hughes.”

9)  Who will be the Rookie Of The Year?

Blake Griffin.  (Uh oh… the Clippers Curse struck 1 day before the season opened.  Griffin will miss around 6 weeks with a knee injury.  It’s a wide open R.O.Y. race, now).

The best rookie on a contender?

Ty Lawson.

The most invisible rookie?

Ricky Rubio.  Many tears have been shed in the L.O.N. offices over the Rubio Debacle.

Most likely to regret leaving school early?

Stephen Curry.  Even if breaks out of his J.J. Redick-like preseason performance/shooting slump, the mess of a team he ended up on will have him dreaming of Davidson.

Most likely to choke his coach or be a dark horse candidate for R.O.Y.?

Brandon Jennings.  He and Scott Skiles seem like a match made in hell, but if everything works out, he could push 40 minutes a game.  It is a sink or swim like Phelps situation.

10)  If Jim O’Brien deploys Indiana’s “White Out” lineup of Travis Diener, Mike Dunleavy, Jr., Troy Murphy, Tyler Hansbrough and Jeff Foster, will Larry Bird retire on the spot?

Yes, his legacy fulfilled, he will immediately throw his button-up into the crowd and calmly walk out of the arena.

11)  As good as he is, is Kevin Durant the next Allen Iverson?

First of all, is that supposed to be an insult?  A.I. is one of the greatest human beings to ever play the game of basketball.  Period.  End of discussion.  Given his size, he is also right up there in the “pound-for-pound” greatest to ever play discussion.  Second of all, given their vastly different body types and play styles, this question almost sounds like the result of an NBA Mad Lib book.  We will humor our reader, though, and break it down.

Despite different, and even opposing, strengths, there is no question both guys possess singular offensive talent — both can flat out score.  Iverson’s abilities come in such a unique package, though, that only one coach and team has been able to harness those abilities into a successful team structure.  It seems Durant fits a little better into the traditional team structure, although even he has already changed positions once (from shooting guard to small forward).  In addition, both guys’ teams suffered losing seasons in their first couple campaigns.  A.I. turned that around in year 4, and has generally stayed on the winning side of things ever since.  It remains to be seen if and when Durant can make that same turnaround.  Perhaps their biggest similarity is the debate of whether or not each improves his teammates on the court.  Despite his ridiculous individual talent, and high assist numbers, A.I. has been roundly criticized for not making his teammates better over his career.  In recent weeks, Kevin Durant has faced similar heat, in a debate centering around his adjusted plus-minus numbers.  This is an interesting similarity, but we stand on the side of things that says these numbers will reverse for KD.  Because he has shown a burning desire to improve each and every year and he is backed by an extremely competent GM, we think he is going to get better, his team is going to get better, and therefore his APM will get better.

So bottom line, are there subtle similarities between these two sublime stars?  Certainly.  Are the similarities strong enough to call KD “the next A.I.”?  A resounding no.  Enjoy each and every minute of these two guys on the court, though, as they truly display two vastly different methods to accomplish the same goal on the basketball court — score the ball.

12)  Who are the Mailroom Supervisor’s most missed/most anticipated H.O.N.nies?

Gilbert Arenas, Tayshaun Prince, Dwyane Wade, Amare Stoudemire and Baron Davis.  But Baron, she says, is on notice with that Kimbo Slice beard he’s rocking.

13)  Who got the best new tattoo in the off-season?

Let’s start with what we know.  DeShawn Stevenson really had a lot of time on his hands, adding an Abe Lincoln portrait surrounded by 5’s on his neck, a backwards Pittsburgh Pirates “P” and a Frankenstein-esque cracked forehead.  We cannot really support any of those.  We could maybe roll with Abe if he had not cheapened it with the 5’s.

Watching Birdman during the pre-season, it looks like he also went back to the ink lab this off-season to spend some of his new millions.  He was already nearly covered up, but it looks like he filled in a lot more color and added a blue bird in the same neck area as DeShawn’s Abe.

Michael Beasley is also confirmed as getting a new tat, but unfortunately he drew more attention for the potential drug paraphernalia in the picture.  Let’s stay focused on the tat though — pretty ridiculous.  We are not sure if the whole back is new, or just the “Supercool Beas” part, but either way… not good.  At least it will be covered up most of the time.

So we are not ready to hand out praise quite yet, as we need to get more info on this always developing story.

14)  Are there any uniform changes to talk about?

ESPN Page2’s Paul Lukas always breaks this down the best, so go there for full detail.  Really, that piece is awesome.  We could look at NBA uniforms, logos and patches all day.  And a link showing all 30 teams’ arena floor layouts?  Awesome juice.

Here are the highlights:

–What in the world is Charlotte thinking?  Their primary unis have gone from lovably bad to terribly horrific.  And hide the women and children from that NASCAR alternate.

–Memphis added a shimmery third alternate.  Looks like somebody found one of A.I.’s old Denver jerseys hanging around and threw a Memphis on it.

–Houston has created a new version of their previously ill ketchup and mustard joints as an alternate.  Love it.

–Thankfully, Philly is going back to their traditional Independence Day red, white and blue color scheme.

15)  Does anyone have faith in Joe Dumars anymore?

Yes — you (the Unpaid Intern), the Mailroom Supervisor, and about 3 of Dumars’ distant family.

16)  Do the Pistons have a chance this year?

A chance at…

…having the most guaranteed money coming off the bench?  Yes.
…benching the best point guard on the team to start Joe Dumars’ “guy”?  Yes.
…having a “Boulevard Of Broken Dreams” remix painting featuring their center committee of Ben Wallace, Kwame Brown and Chris Wilcox?  Yes.
…making the Playoffs?  Yes.
…winning the Title?  Yes… if they trade for Memo!  They still have not been the same since he left.

17)  Are they going to miss ‘Sheed?

No doubt.  He was the missing piece that put them over the top for their 2004 title.  Hopefully the fans remember and appreciate that contribution.  And if ya’ll thought ‘Sheed was inconsistent and lacked focus… hello, Charlie Villanueva!

18)  Will ‘Sheed make a huge difference in Boston?

That is up to him.  The Ceatles certainly could have used him LAST year, given KG’s knee problems.  If used properly this year, maybe he can help keep KG healthy for the stretch run.  If the other Ceatles stay healthy (big if), and ‘Sheed is hungry, he will be a beast of a missing piece for them.  We think that is exactly what will happen, since the other Celtic vets can create an environment of peer accountability that simply did not exist on last year’s splintered Detroit team.  Looks like a little bit more will be expected out of him straight from jump, as Big Baby apparently injured his thumb fighting a former college teammate!  Yeah, we said we missed Big Baby jokes, now let them flow!

19)  Can Lamar Odom, um, keep up with the Kardashians?

It is easy to point out the increasingly circus-like atmosphere surrounding the Lake Show.  Lamar marries Khloe Kardashian, Ron Artest brings his three-ring circus to town, Andrew Bynum continues to be mercurial at best, etc., etc.  But what if Lamar’s marriage centers him and brings out the best in him?  What if Ron Artest’s eccentricities lighten the mood and tension of a grueling 100 game season?  What if Andrew Bynum is able to fully spreadshis wings now that he is out from underneath Kareem’s shadow?  What if this is just the challenge Phil Jackson needs to get the most out of this squad?

Uhhhhh, no.  We see implosion.  No repeat.  Forget the shenanigans, they just plain got worse talent wise, on the court.

20)  And while we are in the gossip pages… L.O.N.’s resident Legal Counsel asks:  How will blind items factor into this season?

With all the highly publicized non-blind off-the-court drama over the past year (Dirk scammed by his girlfriend, Lamar and Khloe, Mike Beasley goes Amy Winehouse, E-City nudity allegations, Starbury and UStream, A.I.’s gambling blow ups), there has to be a treasure trove of this stuff out there.  Michael Jordan could have a tabloid dedicated solely to him that would challenge anything else out on the market!  As the sports world blurs more and more into the entertainment world, blind items and gossip in general will become a bigger and bigger part of the NBA.  And who is to say that is a bad thing?  It could fit under the old adage of “any publicity is good publicity.”

21)  He looked like he got it all working in the Playoffs last year — is this Melo’s year?

Did he get it all working in the Playoffs last year?  Sure he looked great in the first two series, but he disappeared a bit in their loss to the Lakers.  On top of that, there are already a lot of naysayers that do not think the Nuggets can match last year’s season.  So Melo still has a lot to prove, but we do think he will do it.  Maybe he can even swoop in and become one of those “it’s his turn” MVP winners.

22)  Will Darko come to life under Mike D’Antoni?  Say he will.

Okay, he will.

23)  Will Yi make China forget about Yao?

He will.

24)  Will Yao ever play again?

He will.

The answer to at least one of those last three questions was a lie.

25)  What do you think about this?  http://www.nba.com/enebea/

Global domination, baby.  The NBA, led by David Stern, has consistently been the best amongst the American sports leagues at spreading his brand worldwide.

26)  Carlos Boozer or Paul Millsap?

So the question is whiny Dookie or hard-working country boy?  Hard-working country boy all day ereday.  We are just mad Millsap could not get out of Utah with them matching the offer sheet he signed with Portland.

27)  Have we really seen the last of Starbury?

On an NBA court?  Yeah, looks like it.  On a social media site near you or plotting a Dr. Evil-style worldwide takeover in a boardroom somewhere?  No, sir.

28)  Who should have retired that did not?

Reggie Miller.

29)  Who is the worst person in the NBA?

Well, by extension… REGGIE MILLER!

30)  Who is the #1 fantasy basketball player?

In any and all formats — H2H, Roto, Keeper, whatever it is, LeBron James is your man.  Okay, maybe in an auction the price can get too high, but after last year’s 78% from the charity stripe, the man has no fantasy weakness.  And who is to say his stats cannot increase across the board?  His tendency towards elevating his game gives him the nod over CP3.

31)  What was the worst off-season move?

Based on early returns, we have to go with Portland’s signing of Andre Miller.  Maybe things will still come together as the season plays out, but as of right now it smacks of desperation salary cap spending.  Just save the space!  Use it in a trade, or in next year’s off-season!

32)  What is the worst contract in the League?

For contracts that carried over from last year, it is hard to see much good in Baron Davis’ and Elton Brand’s based on last year’s performance, but the absolute worst is Zach Randolph’s killer deal that will pay him $33 million over this year and next.  That is a major problem when no team with Randolph on it will ever win anything.  That is a literal and figurative elephant in the room.

For contracts signed over the summer, Cleveland signed Anderson Varejao to $50 million over 6 years!?!?!?!?!!  Wow.  That is way more than Birdman’s and more than Paul Millsap’s, just to name two comparable players.  It is well within the realm of possibility that LeBron and Shaq are not on the Cavs roster next season, leaving Varejao as their 2nd highest paid player behind Mo Williams.  Mo and Andy will not exactly recall great point guard/power forward tandems like Stocktontomalone or Payton/Kemp.  Players like Varejao come around the block.  Often.  Why lock yourself in to a monster deal like that?

33)  Greg Oden — fact or fiction?

Wow, you are really bringing out the tough ones now.  Uhhhh… facmaictionact?  He looked great in the pre-season, and we want him to succeed, but we along with everyone else, feel like the world will get it’s usual healthy serving of Ghostface Przybilla this season.  Sorry, Greg it is show and prove time.

34)  Which team could be a sleeper this year?

We do not think any team will sneak up into title contention (although we sorta talked ourselves into Atlanta and Washington having deep, deep sleeper status), but some sleeper playoff teams include:  the Clip Joint, OKC, and Milwaukee (if healthy, their defense and grind it out style will make them the team other teams hate to play against in regular season).

35)  What is the most boring team that no one should care about?

Whuuuuuuuut?  No such thing.  Every team has something awesome about it.

36)  How much would L.O.N. pay to have a Dirty Jerse Nyet come to their office Holiday Party?

Not $25k like the organization is asking, but to determine our actual price, we would need to know the answers to the following questions:

Is Devin Harris coming as himself, or a-alike Ludacris?  Will Rafer Alston resurrect the And-1 bus and bring all the And-1ers?  Is Courtney Lee bringing the rest of her hot friends?  Is Sean Williams bringing his, um, party favors?  Is Terrence Williams wearing the Sponge Bob pants and Barbie backpack?  Will Brook Lopez bring the comics and ice cream sundaes?  Damn, now that we think about it, that’s an eclectic bunch.  Maybe $25k is not so crazy after all.

37)  What will Rowan Jura Booher’s title be as the newest employee in the L.O.N. offices?

So far he is filling multiple roles such as L.O.N. Mascot, L.O.N. Freeloader and L.O.N. Official Burper.  We are going to let him try his hand at various tasks around the office and see what he likes best.

38)  I do not have a clever question, but please say something about Orlando.

Local boy traded to hometown team and rejuvenates them?  Chauncey Billups or Vince Carter?  A couple of problems with that comparison — Vinsanity is not quite a true hometown hero in Orlando like Smooth is in Denver and Orlando is nice and juvenated already.  They were in the Finals last year.  Vince comes to town facing major expectations, which has not always worked well with him.  The difference this year is he has a big time supporting cast.  Still, in order to be the hero he has to help them to a title and we do not think the Magic have it in them.

39)  So who will win the title?

Cavs over Spurs in 7.  LeBron gets #1 win and Shaq wins the race to 5.
As seen on SLAMOnline:

Okay, whoever you are out there, PUT THE BRANDAN WRIGHT VOODOO DOLL DOWN!!!… Eddie Jordan back in the hizzle… We really, really, really hope Delonte West is getting all the help and support he needs… FREE RASHAD MCCANTS!!!… Adding another overpowering personality to the roster WILL NOT help Mike Conley in Memphis.  And maybe the only thing that could ever help him at this point is reuniting him with Greg Oden… How is Chris Duhon still the starting point guard for the team that arguably needs a good point guard the most?…  There are new rims this year.  Who knew?…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 36 points, 13 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Sure, the Detroit Pistons’ wives, girlfriends and children would have put up a better fight in this series, but Bron’s output is nonetheless historic.  He joined Oscar Robertson and Larry Bird as the only players to ever average 30 ppg, 10 rpg and 7 apg in a post season series.  You’re all welcome.

Worst Of The Night:

The other Spurs:

Matt Bonner, Drew Gooden, Roger Mason, Kurt Thomas, Ime Udoka — a combined 0-15 from the floor

That’s horrid.  And if those guys failed, then Michael Finley got a D- with his 2-6 performance.  Probably the most disappointing of these guys is Mason, he of the regular season hype.  If the Spurs hope to do the impossible, we’re guessing these guys will need to hit at least one shot in Game 5.

Fat Lever Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 25 points, 11 boards, 11 assists, 2 steals

Kenny Smith verbalized the Fat Lever comparison, and Rondo put down the nasty statline.  But despite the brilliant game, did he end up preventing a win with that pull up J at the end of OT 1?  Even if Doc called the play for him, he needs to get into the lane, and not pull up for a 22-foot J.  Or better yet, ignore the coach and get the ball into the hands of the guy that keeps hitting clutch shot after clutch shot — Ray Allen.

Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — 23 points, 11 boards, 9 assists

A few days ago we put Courtney Lee at the top of the Playoff rookie pack.  We’re sorry, Mr. Rose.  The crown is yours.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 18 points, 18 boards, 3 blocks, 1 steal

The stat line looks dominating, but you couldn’t really tell it during the game.  The Magic barely eeked by the Sixers on a game-winning 3 by the Turkish Michael Jordan.  This series is up for grabs.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Atlanta Hawks — 78 points vs. Miami

The team was terrible on Saturday, but we really want contracted is Coach Hootie’s ridiculous goatee.

Detroit Pistons — 78 points vs. Cleveland

Good gracious… put these cats out of their misery.  The Pistons performance this season can only be described as sad and depressing.

Question Of The Night:

Prior to a free throw on Saturday in N’Awlins, what could have made both ‘Melo and Peja laugh, simultaneously?  Do we need a buddy copy movie starring those two?

I.  Will.  Not.  Lose.  Of The Night:

Kobe Bryant — 38 points, 6 boards, 2 steals, 1 assist

The Kobster wasted no time in Game 4.  Early in the first quarter he started systematically ripping the heart out of each and every member of the Jazz organization, taking a bite out of it, then throwing it on the court and stomping on it.  Not sure if Phil Jackson yelled:  “FINISH HIM!!!” in the midst of this.

Really Ryan Hollins?  Come on, settle down… What is wrong with the New Orleans crowd?  Awesome participation in the t-shirt promotion, sure, but the place sounded like a library… Nice to see Travis Outlaw join the Playoff festivities finally… Did the NBA actually murk the Playoffs marketing game this year?  Kanyeezy?  The slow-mo orchestra joints?  Never thought amazing would happen in the NBA marketing offices…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night AKA Triple-Double Of The Night:

Vince Carter — 15 points, 12 assists, 10 boards

All those in favor of Vinsanity replacing Jameer Nelson on the All-Star team say aye.  Why so quiet, Boston?  Akrobatik?  Benzino?  Krumb Snatcha?  Anyone?

Worst Of The Night:

San Antonio vs. Denver

NBA Fan Night, huh?  You think when the fans voted to see this game they planned on Coach Pop benching not only All-Star Tony Parker… not only All-Star Tim Duncan… not only possible All-Star injury replacement Manu Ginobili… but also Michael Finley?  The fans love Jacque Vaughn.  At least they got to see the Birdman fly in any weather.  It was his world in the first quarter.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Luis Scola — 18 boards, 13 points, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

We didn’t see the game but this Chi-Town/Houston matchup must have been run-and-gun.  Both teams shot poorly, yet both ended up over 100.  Jeff Van Gundy is rolling over in his grave.

Buzzer-Beater Of The Night AKA The Other Guy That Should Replace Jameer On The All-Star Team Of The Night:

Ray Allen — 23 points, 3 boards, 3 assists, 1 steal

Young Thaddeous decided it was a good idea to leave Ray Allen open for the game-winner,  SHOOK-UMP.  All those in favor of Jesus on the East squad, say aye.  Why so quiet, Dirty Jerse?  Joe Budden?  Redman?  Treach?  Anybody?

Actual Quote Of The Night:

If you’ve watched an NBA game on your local FoxSports network recently, you’ve inevitably been forced to sit through your friendly play-by-play previewing the trailer for the upcoming “action thriller”, Push.  As this happened on Monday’s Warriors broadcast, the color guy, 64 year-old color guy (and former player) Jim Barnett proclaimed:

“I’ve always liked Dakota Fanning, ever since she was a little girl.”

Well, then.  He also shares a birthday with the CEO of L.O.N., and was born in the same state.  Yikes.  No word on how many L.O.N. employees just quit.

Just kidding, Mr. Barnett.  Your broadcasts are actually some of our favorite.  You drop knowledge like Doug Collins, only without Collin’s oh-so-soothing, Jim Nantz-esqe voice.

Mo Williams and LeBron are reaching their,  Professor Klump, “Chemistry, chemically” stage.  Their early alley opp last night was particularly sick… Is Toronto happy with the Ford/O’Neal trade?  Is Indiana happy with it?  If neither is happy, and they probably do not want the other player back, do they wish those guys would implode into oblivion?… Gary Payton’s collar needs to be listed as a co-host on Gametime, each week…  We wish Sam Cassell had run out and tackled Andre Iguodala for breaking out his dance with Sam in the building, last night.  Ray got him back, though…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Nene — 19 points, 11 boards, 2 assists, 2 blocks

We come back from Turkey Time for this?  Absolutely no one qualifies for any of the L.O.N. special sections?  Come on ya’ll.  The importance of this line is that it even had the opportunity to happen.  Nene’s career has been racked by injuries and setbacks (and that’s WAY too weak of a word for cancer), and maybe this year, under the radar, he’s fulfilling some of that potential.  Stay healthy, dunny!

Worst Of The Night:

Mike Dunleavy is such a bad offensive coach, that not only can he not find ways to improve his players’ chances of scoring, but he somehow sucks the instincts from them, leaving them completely witless on the offensive end, especially in the 4th quarter.  This has been going on for years, spanning various personnel combos, and never was there a better example than last night’s chokefest vs. the Mavs.  The Clip Joint was up 96-84 with 4:33 left, and lost 98-100.  Yes sir… TWO POINTS IN 4:33!  Amazing.  The shots they threw up down the stretch were indescribably bad.

Jose Juan Barea, one of the Mavs’ offensive heroes, summed it up well:

“Their faces were looking shaky. They’re a good one-on-one team. We played like a team in the zone.”

Think that’s getting a bullet point on Dunleavy’s resume?  “I’ll make my players’ faces look shaky”.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

San Antonio Spurs — 77 points vs. the Pistons

San Antonio, you’ve been Sheeded.  Late in the third quarter, incensed at a call from a ref, Sheed came out of a timeout focused, going on a Sheed-0 run (6 straight points).  Game time.  It was Pistons from there… almost as if Dunleavy’s 4th Quarter Trance had somehow permeated it’s way into the San Antonio huddle.

Revenge, Getback And Retribution Of The Night:

Andre Miller — 28 points, 4 assists, 4 boards, 3 steals

In case you missed it over the weekend, Derrick Rose absolutely abused Dre in Philly, first with an out-of-nowhere-breakaway-Tayshaun-Prince-On-Reggie-Miller block, and then with an A.I.-On-Jordan-ankle-breaking crossover.  Miller literally fell on the ground.  If that had been a rap battle, Miller’s entire career would have been deaded.  We are talking Cuban Link after he crossed Fat Joe dead.  But in the NBA, there’s always another game, and in this case, and immediate rematch.  Miller can take a little solace in out-scoring the young gun last night, and getting the Sixers an OT win, but unfortunately heads are going to be typing “rose miller” in the YouTube search box for years to come.

Vlad-man’s Death Ray goggles… The Drought Is Over 6 > Dedication 3, hands down.  “All my kicks fly, like Liu Kang’s”.  Come on haters, deep on your heart you know that’s hot.  At least if you’re old enough to know who Liu Kang is… Chauncey Billups = even better than we thought… Lakers lose.  It’s news.  Done…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 30 points, 19 boards, 10 blocks, 3 assists

That speaks for itself.  Beastaculous.  The real big man story in this Magic/Thunder game, though, was Robert Swift’s shocking makeover.  He went from the stringy, long-hair/slacker/skater/rocker look, to the product-induced, kinda short, metro mohawk look.   Odd.

Worst Of The Night:

There are probably a bunch of Lakers fans out there wondering why there is so little L.O.N. coverage of the only remaining undefeated team (the Ceatles made sure of that, taking down the Hawks in a thriller last night) thus far this year.  A team who, after all, features the Official Player of L.O.N., and Revolutionary Team Captain, Lamar Odom A.K.A. L-Eezy.  Well, first of all, L-Eezy isn’t exactly a featured member of that stacked team; he’s only cracked the 30 minute mark once.  Second of all, there is our well-chronicled history with the Kobster, A.K.A. Kobe Cryant.  But that is not even the deal-breaker.  Mr. Cryant is one of those “love to hate types”, and without our Mamba animosity, how could we love Kevin Garnet, J.R. Smith and Travis Outlaw so damn much?  Yin and Yang, ya’ll.  No, the straw that breaks the Lakers’ back is none other than Joel Meyers.  We literally cannot stand listening to the man talk for more than 23 seconds.  It’s like fingernails on a chalkboard meets a jackhammer to the abdomen.  A nuclear explosion of excruciating pain and irritance.  Give us national Lakers coverage, or our dawg Ralph Lawler calling an intra-city match, and we’ll be there for ya’ll.  Until then, though, it’s boxscores and boxscores only.

Near Ice Cube Of The Night:

Andre Iguodala — 18 points, 10 assists, 9 boards

This performance against the T-Dot marks three straight all-around games from the Other A.I. (Can we call him something else, though?  What?  An excruciating debate took place in the L.O.N. offices over this, and it remains unresolved), and with him rolling like this and Elton Brand having his best game of the season (25/8), the Sixers showed signs of living up to the hype last night.

T.J. Ford — 18 points, 9 assists, 8 boards, 3 steals

All you internet stat heads can rave all you want about Jose Calderon this, and assist-plus-minus-percentage-ratio that, but if the ball dropped on the court tomorrow, and L.O.N. had to pick somebody to run our squad?  T.J. Ford, all day, ereday.  A healthy (ok, that’s a big if, we admit) T.J. Ford can DOMINATE a game, and that is just what he did last night in Dirty Jerse.

Brad Miller — 16 points, 11 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

BRAD MIZZLE!  One country boy center dominates another (Chris Kaman).

Contraction Club Of The Night:

San Antonio Spurs, 78 points vs. the Milwaukee Bucks

This is a legit contraction scenario.  Off their current roster, you throw Tim Duncan and a couple other guys into a contraction draft and poof… it’s like they never existed.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Honey Of The Night:

Amare Stoudemire — The MRSV says: “Nice scarf!  The wink, and he’s smiling and giving me googley eyes.”

About 4 years ago, the infamous Malice In The Palace went down.  Call it ugly, call it what you want, but we call it entertaining and have never pretended not to love any level of NBA skirmish, fight or brawl.  Last night’s Houston/Phoenix game gave us a little something something.

Matt Barnes set it off with an out-of-nowhere forearm shiver to Skip-To-My-Lou, who was about to set a standard high screen on Barnes.  From there an amorphous scrum broke out.  The whole thing was basically a lot of big guys pushing on little guys.  Barnes pushes Rafer Alston, then McGradles shoves lil’ Stevie Nash, then Big Shaq shoved every-damn-body.  While Barnes and Alston were initially separated, they almost managed to get back at each other right near the court side seats.  Suns coach Terry Porter managed to get in between them though, before it got really Bubba Sparxxx.  Other than those two guys, McGradles was the most heated, probably because he saw the initial cheap shot on his teammate.  He was ready to “ride together”, ala S-Jax back in ‘04, but he had Luis Scola to hold him back (word to big man peacemakers).  Ironically this whole thing was probably one idiot Pistons fan and a Ron Artest moment from getting extra out of hand, and guess who happened to be on the Rockets’ bench?

A logical question might be, “Why did Matt Barnes lick that initial shot on Skip?  Was there some sort of pretext?”.  Good luck with that.  Watching him over the years, we’ve seen that he has a temper, pure and simple.  He has never been afraid to lick a shot, and only Pac knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.

Jermaine O’Neal two straight double-doubles, two straight losses.  Coincidence?… Nice to see Greg Oden make it through a game, and even have a few nice plays (a dunk and a couple blocks)… Wilson who?…