L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

More than many recent seasons, little intrigue lies at the top of the NBA standings.  Some combo of the East’s Ceatles/Cavs/Magic and the West’s Lakers/Spurs will meet in the Finals.  Ok, we will be lenient and throw the Nuggets and Mavs in there as well.  So if all you care about is the results at the top, come back in time for the Playoffs.  But for the true NBA heads, it’s all about the journey.  Welcome to the trip guide for that journey, the 2009-2010 L.O.N. Season Preview, questions-style — word to A Tribe Called Quest, Common and Mos Def.

1)  What have you missed most about the NBA?  Is it hard to get excited about the NBA when you are not excited about your team?

Not when you have…

Ralph Lawler… Big Baby Davis jokes… Rajon Rondo roller skating jokes… J.R. Smith… LeBron James triple-doubles… check that, ALL triple-doubles… EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!! moments… beautiful lefty jump shots… Jeff Van Gundy… C-WEBB, GP AND AHMAD RASHAD!  Our main men…  T.J. Ford… Anthony Parker finally able to showcase his sick professionalism on a national stage as the new shooting guard for the Cleveland Cavs… Derrick Rose… The crazy number of lineup combos Dallas can throw out, the coach and statistical-based staff that can dream those combos up and an owner just crazy enough to support the whole process… THE BIRDMAN!!!…  Joe Dumars best signing of the off-season — bringing back Chucky Atkins so now we can rejoice when Mason shouts out: “CHUCKY-CHUCKY Atttttttttt-kins”… The pure excitement of Anthony Randolph’s spontaneity and on-the-court recklessness… The electricity sparked every time Jonny Flynn takes the floor…  Shaun Livingston…

2)  What is the L.O.N. Pre-Season Top 10 League Pass Ranking?

#1 — Denver — Basketball debauchery in the flesh — J.R. Smith is the human embodiment and Denver is the team embodiment.  While losing a bit of fun with the departure of Linas Kleiza, they gained a facilitator of debauchery in Ty Lawson.  With Chauncey Billups and Melo making sure things stay fun in the win column, the Nuggets are the best combination of winning and entertainment in the League today.

#2 — Oklahoma City –  As the evolution of Kevin Durant continues, we will be watching.

#3 — San Antonio — We are well known Spurs supporters and with Manu back in the mix and majorly hyped new pieces in Richard Jefferson, Antonio McDyess and DeJuan Blair, we gotta see what kind of team Pop can make out of these guys.  And how about those seemingly minor moves to fill out the bench?  We can see Keith Bogans and Theo Ratliff playing important roles in spurts this season.

#4 — Cleveland — We love Shaq.  We love LeBron.  But do we love Shaq and LeBron?  Time to find out.

#5 — Los Angeles Lakers — What?  Did we just say that?  Choosing to listen to Joel Meyers?  Well, at least they are a part of many national broadcasts.  We cannot help it.  This thing could explode and we want to be there when it does.  If all else fails, we have the Official Player Of L.O.N. to enjoy — Lamar Odom.

#6 — Golden State — A crazy coach leading a crazy cast of characters playing a crazy brand of basketball.  We love it.

#7 — Washington — We missed Gilbert last year and want to see him back at full strength.  But if there is no Gilbert, this team drops out of these rankings in a hurry.  If he can stay on the court, he becomes the centerpiece of a surprisingly deep roster.  This team can do some things.

#8 — Chicago — Derrick Rose.

#9 — Atlanta — We love J-Creezy and we are going to love finally seeing him in the Playoffs.  You might even be able to convince us that this team could theoretically move themselves up in the Eastern Conference hierarchy.  Okay, did the East just get really deep?  Deeper than the West?  Deeper than rap?  RAAAWWWWWWSE.

#10 — Phoenix — If no one else is on, give us the uptempo team every time.

3)  Will Shaq and LeBron dominate the entire world this season?  What hi-jinx will they get in to?

This is perhaps the most discussed subplot and acquisition of the off-season.  However, the aspect that has been under-reported, is what this could mean for pre-game lineup intro rituals.  Last year Shaq’s Suns and LeBrons’s Cavs both produced highly entertaining intros game after game.  Now what happens when these forces unite?  Paul and John creating magic or Paul and John wrecking their team?  Tune in early for Cavs games and you just may catch a glimpse of their on-the-court fate.

4)  Is LeBron going to leave Cleveland?

No idea.  It all depends on what he envisions as his ultimate goal.  Win title-upon-title at all costs?  He signs the veteran’s minimum in San Antonio, Orlando or Portland.  Win the titles without sacrificing contract money, and a side order of major market power?  He joins the Clip Joint and teams with Eric Gordon, Boom Dizzle and Blake Griffin.  Hopefully, maybe win and become the hometown hero while maximizing your NBA money?  Cavs, holmes.  Take over the world, literally, with Jay-Z?  Hello, Brooklyn (maybe) Nyets.  Maximize your marketing prowess AND flirt with that oh-so-alluring season triple-double average in the Basketball Mecca?  He gets that New York State Of Mind and heads the high octane D’Antoni Knicks.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?  Tune in next summer to find out.  Sorry in advance for all of the endless speculation between now and then.

5)  Will LeBron repeat his 2008-09 MVP campaign?  Can he keep improving at basketball?

He definitely can keep improving, and there is no reason to think he will not.  The MVP award is notoriously political and fickle, though, and there is no guarantee he will get the award even if he puts up the best numbers (which he will).  But as long as Steve Nash has more MVPs than LeBron, Kobe and Shaq (1 each) the award remains an absolute joke.

6)  Tell us about LeBron vs. Braylon.  If they both called you and lobbied for you to take their side, whom would you roll with?  Did LeBron secretly stage this whole thing to send Braylon out to scout NY ahead of time?

All we’ll say is this — you cannot spell Braylon without L.O.N.

Now for the Tech Guy’s (a noted Michigan alum) commentary on the situation:  “I would’ve punched his chump friend, too.  He’s probably an Ohio State fan.”

7)  Why does Shaq hate Kobe so much and does he still?

Well… because Kobe is Kobe.  Ha!  But seriously, they play nice in public, but we are pretty sure the hate, or at least animosity, tension, whatever you want to call it, still brews beneath the surface.  But even if it’s not hate, there is most certainly a competition when it comes to career titles.  With both having legit shots at that 5th ring this year, the rivalry is alive and well.  The NBA powers that be would absolutely love a Lakers/Cavs Finals pitting these two (oh, and some guy named LeBron) against each other.

8)  Did L.O.N. C.E.O. Shannon Booher get any training camp invites after dunking on and injuring L.O.N. Head of Sales, Bread Costello?

Unfortunately the Head of Sales used his diabolical influences to immediately confiscate and destroy the grainy home video of this occasion.  Without this key piece of evidence, GMs just weren’t willing to roll the dice on the self-described “poor man’s mix of Steve Blake and Larry Hughes.”

9)  Who will be the Rookie Of The Year?

Blake Griffin.  (Uh oh… the Clippers Curse struck 1 day before the season opened.  Griffin will miss around 6 weeks with a knee injury.  It’s a wide open R.O.Y. race, now).

The best rookie on a contender?

Ty Lawson.

The most invisible rookie?

Ricky Rubio.  Many tears have been shed in the L.O.N. offices over the Rubio Debacle.

Most likely to regret leaving school early?

Stephen Curry.  Even if breaks out of his J.J. Redick-like preseason performance/shooting slump, the mess of a team he ended up on will have him dreaming of Davidson.

Most likely to choke his coach or be a dark horse candidate for R.O.Y.?

Brandon Jennings.  He and Scott Skiles seem like a match made in hell, but if everything works out, he could push 40 minutes a game.  It is a sink or swim like Phelps situation.

10)  If Jim O’Brien deploys Indiana’s “White Out” lineup of Travis Diener, Mike Dunleavy, Jr., Troy Murphy, Tyler Hansbrough and Jeff Foster, will Larry Bird retire on the spot?

Yes, his legacy fulfilled, he will immediately throw his button-up into the crowd and calmly walk out of the arena.

11)  As good as he is, is Kevin Durant the next Allen Iverson?

First of all, is that supposed to be an insult?  A.I. is one of the greatest human beings to ever play the game of basketball.  Period.  End of discussion.  Given his size, he is also right up there in the “pound-for-pound” greatest to ever play discussion.  Second of all, given their vastly different body types and play styles, this question almost sounds like the result of an NBA Mad Lib book.  We will humor our reader, though, and break it down.

Despite different, and even opposing, strengths, there is no question both guys possess singular offensive talent — both can flat out score.  Iverson’s abilities come in such a unique package, though, that only one coach and team has been able to harness those abilities into a successful team structure.  It seems Durant fits a little better into the traditional team structure, although even he has already changed positions once (from shooting guard to small forward).  In addition, both guys’ teams suffered losing seasons in their first couple campaigns.  A.I. turned that around in year 4, and has generally stayed on the winning side of things ever since.  It remains to be seen if and when Durant can make that same turnaround.  Perhaps their biggest similarity is the debate of whether or not each improves his teammates on the court.  Despite his ridiculous individual talent, and high assist numbers, A.I. has been roundly criticized for not making his teammates better over his career.  In recent weeks, Kevin Durant has faced similar heat, in a debate centering around his adjusted plus-minus numbers.  This is an interesting similarity, but we stand on the side of things that says these numbers will reverse for KD.  Because he has shown a burning desire to improve each and every year and he is backed by an extremely competent GM, we think he is going to get better, his team is going to get better, and therefore his APM will get better.

So bottom line, are there subtle similarities between these two sublime stars?  Certainly.  Are the similarities strong enough to call KD “the next A.I.”?  A resounding no.  Enjoy each and every minute of these two guys on the court, though, as they truly display two vastly different methods to accomplish the same goal on the basketball court — score the ball.

12)  Who are the Mailroom Supervisor’s most missed/most anticipated H.O.N.nies?

Gilbert Arenas, Tayshaun Prince, Dwyane Wade, Amare Stoudemire and Baron Davis.  But Baron, she says, is on notice with that Kimbo Slice beard he’s rocking.

13)  Who got the best new tattoo in the off-season?

Let’s start with what we know.  DeShawn Stevenson really had a lot of time on his hands, adding an Abe Lincoln portrait surrounded by 5’s on his neck, a backwards Pittsburgh Pirates “P” and a Frankenstein-esque cracked forehead.  We cannot really support any of those.  We could maybe roll with Abe if he had not cheapened it with the 5’s.

Watching Birdman during the pre-season, it looks like he also went back to the ink lab this off-season to spend some of his new millions.  He was already nearly covered up, but it looks like he filled in a lot more color and added a blue bird in the same neck area as DeShawn’s Abe.

Michael Beasley is also confirmed as getting a new tat, but unfortunately he drew more attention for the potential drug paraphernalia in the picture.  Let’s stay focused on the tat though — pretty ridiculous.  We are not sure if the whole back is new, or just the “Supercool Beas” part, but either way… not good.  At least it will be covered up most of the time.

So we are not ready to hand out praise quite yet, as we need to get more info on this always developing story.

14)  Are there any uniform changes to talk about?

ESPN Page2’s Paul Lukas always breaks this down the best, so go there for full detail.  Really, that piece is awesome.  We could look at NBA uniforms, logos and patches all day.  And a link showing all 30 teams’ arena floor layouts?  Awesome juice.

Here are the highlights:

–What in the world is Charlotte thinking?  Their primary unis have gone from lovably bad to terribly horrific.  And hide the women and children from that NASCAR alternate.

–Memphis added a shimmery third alternate.  Looks like somebody found one of A.I.’s old Denver jerseys hanging around and threw a Memphis on it.

–Houston has created a new version of their previously ill ketchup and mustard joints as an alternate.  Love it.

–Thankfully, Philly is going back to their traditional Independence Day red, white and blue color scheme.

15)  Does anyone have faith in Joe Dumars anymore?

Yes — you (the Unpaid Intern), the Mailroom Supervisor, and about 3 of Dumars’ distant family.

16)  Do the Pistons have a chance this year?

A chance at…

…having the most guaranteed money coming off the bench?  Yes.
…benching the best point guard on the team to start Joe Dumars’ “guy”?  Yes.
…having a “Boulevard Of Broken Dreams” remix painting featuring their center committee of Ben Wallace, Kwame Brown and Chris Wilcox?  Yes.
…making the Playoffs?  Yes.
…winning the Title?  Yes… if they trade for Memo!  They still have not been the same since he left.

17)  Are they going to miss ‘Sheed?

No doubt.  He was the missing piece that put them over the top for their 2004 title.  Hopefully the fans remember and appreciate that contribution.  And if ya’ll thought ‘Sheed was inconsistent and lacked focus… hello, Charlie Villanueva!

18)  Will ‘Sheed make a huge difference in Boston?

That is up to him.  The Ceatles certainly could have used him LAST year, given KG’s knee problems.  If used properly this year, maybe he can help keep KG healthy for the stretch run.  If the other Ceatles stay healthy (big if), and ‘Sheed is hungry, he will be a beast of a missing piece for them.  We think that is exactly what will happen, since the other Celtic vets can create an environment of peer accountability that simply did not exist on last year’s splintered Detroit team.  Looks like a little bit more will be expected out of him straight from jump, as Big Baby apparently injured his thumb fighting a former college teammate!  Yeah, we said we missed Big Baby jokes, now let them flow!

19)  Can Lamar Odom, um, keep up with the Kardashians?

It is easy to point out the increasingly circus-like atmosphere surrounding the Lake Show.  Lamar marries Khloe Kardashian, Ron Artest brings his three-ring circus to town, Andrew Bynum continues to be mercurial at best, etc., etc.  But what if Lamar’s marriage centers him and brings out the best in him?  What if Ron Artest’s eccentricities lighten the mood and tension of a grueling 100 game season?  What if Andrew Bynum is able to fully spreadshis wings now that he is out from underneath Kareem’s shadow?  What if this is just the challenge Phil Jackson needs to get the most out of this squad?

Uhhhhh, no.  We see implosion.  No repeat.  Forget the shenanigans, they just plain got worse talent wise, on the court.

20)  And while we are in the gossip pages… L.O.N.’s resident Legal Counsel asks:  How will blind items factor into this season?

With all the highly publicized non-blind off-the-court drama over the past year (Dirk scammed by his girlfriend, Lamar and Khloe, Mike Beasley goes Amy Winehouse, E-City nudity allegations, Starbury and UStream, A.I.’s gambling blow ups), there has to be a treasure trove of this stuff out there.  Michael Jordan could have a tabloid dedicated solely to him that would challenge anything else out on the market!  As the sports world blurs more and more into the entertainment world, blind items and gossip in general will become a bigger and bigger part of the NBA.  And who is to say that is a bad thing?  It could fit under the old adage of “any publicity is good publicity.”

21)  He looked like he got it all working in the Playoffs last year — is this Melo’s year?

Did he get it all working in the Playoffs last year?  Sure he looked great in the first two series, but he disappeared a bit in their loss to the Lakers.  On top of that, there are already a lot of naysayers that do not think the Nuggets can match last year’s season.  So Melo still has a lot to prove, but we do think he will do it.  Maybe he can even swoop in and become one of those “it’s his turn” MVP winners.

22)  Will Darko come to life under Mike D’Antoni?  Say he will.

Okay, he will.

23)  Will Yi make China forget about Yao?

He will.

24)  Will Yao ever play again?

He will.

The answer to at least one of those last three questions was a lie.

25)  What do you think about this?  http://www.nba.com/enebea/

Global domination, baby.  The NBA, led by David Stern, has consistently been the best amongst the American sports leagues at spreading his brand worldwide.

26)  Carlos Boozer or Paul Millsap?

So the question is whiny Dookie or hard-working country boy?  Hard-working country boy all day ereday.  We are just mad Millsap could not get out of Utah with them matching the offer sheet he signed with Portland.

27)  Have we really seen the last of Starbury?

On an NBA court?  Yeah, looks like it.  On a social media site near you or plotting a Dr. Evil-style worldwide takeover in a boardroom somewhere?  No, sir.

28)  Who should have retired that did not?

Reggie Miller.

29)  Who is the worst person in the NBA?

Well, by extension… REGGIE MILLER!

30)  Who is the #1 fantasy basketball player?

In any and all formats — H2H, Roto, Keeper, whatever it is, LeBron James is your man.  Okay, maybe in an auction the price can get too high, but after last year’s 78% from the charity stripe, the man has no fantasy weakness.  And who is to say his stats cannot increase across the board?  His tendency towards elevating his game gives him the nod over CP3.

31)  What was the worst off-season move?

Based on early returns, we have to go with Portland’s signing of Andre Miller.  Maybe things will still come together as the season plays out, but as of right now it smacks of desperation salary cap spending.  Just save the space!  Use it in a trade, or in next year’s off-season!

32)  What is the worst contract in the League?

For contracts that carried over from last year, it is hard to see much good in Baron Davis’ and Elton Brand’s based on last year’s performance, but the absolute worst is Zach Randolph’s killer deal that will pay him $33 million over this year and next.  That is a major problem when no team with Randolph on it will ever win anything.  That is a literal and figurative elephant in the room.

For contracts signed over the summer, Cleveland signed Anderson Varejao to $50 million over 6 years!?!?!?!?!!  Wow.  That is way more than Birdman’s and more than Paul Millsap’s, just to name two comparable players.  It is well within the realm of possibility that LeBron and Shaq are not on the Cavs roster next season, leaving Varejao as their 2nd highest paid player behind Mo Williams.  Mo and Andy will not exactly recall great point guard/power forward tandems like Stocktontomalone or Payton/Kemp.  Players like Varejao come around the block.  Often.  Why lock yourself in to a monster deal like that?

33)  Greg Oden — fact or fiction?

Wow, you are really bringing out the tough ones now.  Uhhhh… facmaictionact?  He looked great in the pre-season, and we want him to succeed, but we along with everyone else, feel like the world will get it’s usual healthy serving of Ghostface Przybilla this season.  Sorry, Greg it is show and prove time.

34)  Which team could be a sleeper this year?

We do not think any team will sneak up into title contention (although we sorta talked ourselves into Atlanta and Washington having deep, deep sleeper status), but some sleeper playoff teams include:  the Clip Joint, OKC, and Milwaukee (if healthy, their defense and grind it out style will make them the team other teams hate to play against in regular season).

35)  What is the most boring team that no one should care about?

Whuuuuuuuut?  No such thing.  Every team has something awesome about it.

36)  How much would L.O.N. pay to have a Dirty Jerse Nyet come to their office Holiday Party?

Not $25k like the organization is asking, but to determine our actual price, we would need to know the answers to the following questions:

Is Devin Harris coming as himself, or a-alike Ludacris?  Will Rafer Alston resurrect the And-1 bus and bring all the And-1ers?  Is Courtney Lee bringing the rest of her hot friends?  Is Sean Williams bringing his, um, party favors?  Is Terrence Williams wearing the Sponge Bob pants and Barbie backpack?  Will Brook Lopez bring the comics and ice cream sundaes?  Damn, now that we think about it, that’s an eclectic bunch.  Maybe $25k is not so crazy after all.

37)  What will Rowan Jura Booher’s title be as the newest employee in the L.O.N. offices?

So far he is filling multiple roles such as L.O.N. Mascot, L.O.N. Freeloader and L.O.N. Official Burper.  We are going to let him try his hand at various tasks around the office and see what he likes best.

38)  I do not have a clever question, but please say something about Orlando.

Local boy traded to hometown team and rejuvenates them?  Chauncey Billups or Vince Carter?  A couple of problems with that comparison — Vinsanity is not quite a true hometown hero in Orlando like Smooth is in Denver and Orlando is nice and juvenated already.  They were in the Finals last year.  Vince comes to town facing major expectations, which has not always worked well with him.  The difference this year is he has a big time supporting cast.  Still, in order to be the hero he has to help them to a title and we do not think the Magic have it in them.

39)  So who will win the title?

Cavs over Spurs in 7.  LeBron gets #1 win and Shaq wins the race to 5.
As seen on SLAMOnline:

Okay, whoever you are out there, PUT THE BRANDAN WRIGHT VOODOO DOLL DOWN!!!… Eddie Jordan back in the hizzle… We really, really, really hope Delonte West is getting all the help and support he needs… FREE RASHAD MCCANTS!!!… Adding another overpowering personality to the roster WILL NOT help Mike Conley in Memphis.  And maybe the only thing that could ever help him at this point is reuniting him with Greg Oden… How is Chris Duhon still the starting point guard for the team that arguably needs a good point guard the most?…  There are new rims this year.  Who knew?…

As seen on SLAMOnline.com.

It’s the questions, whuuuuut?  The questions, whuuuuut?  The questions!

What, tigga, what, tigga, what, tigga, WHAAAAAT!

As we do every year, let’s get ready for another glorious season with actual questions from actual readers… and actual questions from some not-so-actual readers!

1)  As we head into the season, what is the L.O.N. League Pass Team Ranking?

Official L.O.N. League Pass Pre-Season Top 9:

#1  Denver — J. R. Smith.  Basketball debauchery in the flesh.  And they bring out the debauchery in their opponents, as well, creating 48 minutes of beautiful mayhem.  We will miss the Eduardo Najera 3’s, though.
#2  Portland — Greg Oden is our most-anticipated rookie to see, probably followed closely by Rudy Fernandez.  Throw in Revolutionary Travis Outlaw, and it’s a wrap.
#3  San Antonio — Odd years on, even years off — like a metronome.  And with Manu out for awhile to start the season, it’s gonna be The French Pastry Show in San Anton.
#4  Houston — Ron Artest makes defense exciting.
#5  Clip Joint — That’s a wild mix.  Exciting and entertaining, maybe.  But can that roster win games consistently?
#6  Cleveland — Mo Williams may finally be the piece that cements LeBron in this list.  This could be a special season, ya’ll.
#7  Detroit Pistons — Amir Johnson and Rodney “Yo, ma, I’m 50 Cent”.
#8  Philly Snakes –  Are they ready to take that next step up to the East’s elite?  We hate having the co-founder of Brand and Boozer’s Backstabbin’ and Beguilin’ Band Of Brothers on this list, but the Other A.I., Louis Williams and Thaddeous Young must be witnessed.
#9  Boston Ceatles — We still have love for K.G. and Paul Peezy, and check this field report from L.O.N.’s Resident Scientist:  “I dont think I said anything about this yet, but a couple weeks ago, when Bill Walker had that really good dunk over someone, the pure elation, joy, and madness that ensued on the Celtics bench was an amazing thing to see.  The fact that they all acted like that, during a pre-season game, means they are a team and they really like each other.  Repeat.”  Love.

Bottom Four:

#1 Milwaukee — Scott.  Skiles.
#2 Oklahoma City Thunder — Sorry, KD.  The Earl Watson Experience meets boring uniforms meets a despicable franchise move.  Count us out.
#3 New York Knicks — You’re gonna have to prove it first, D’Antoni.  Duhon != Nash.
#4 L.A. Lakers — Word-for-word from last year’s preview:  “Two words: Joel Meyers. And L.O.N. doesn’t exactly love Mr. Cryant. Sorry, L-Eezy.”
2)  Any new tattoos/haircuts/looks in the off season?

Greg Popovich’s pre-season beard got way outta hand, making us all wonder if the Spurs’ style would take a similar wild turn this season.  Who knows?  Pop is clearly feeling the need to express himself, and that may lead to any type of on-court madness.  You know, crazy stuff like a 9-man rotation vs. an 8-man, or maybe Powerade on the bench instead of Gatorade.  Anything can happen.  Word to Wyclef.

Although we are sure more guys will surprise as the season unfolds, that’s all we caught on the personal style tip during the pre-season.  Several teams are breaking out new gear, though, and pretty much all to underwhelming response (at least from us).  The Orlando Magic came with the most drastic (we use that word loosely) of the changes, introducing diverging silver pinstripes to the NBA scene, and going with the #1 entry on the L.O.N.’s Most-Hated Neckline list.  We have never understood, liked, or approved of that.  Worst Of The Night.

The Seattle… err, Oklahoma City Thunder kept it real, real lazy.  What is that?  Looks like they came up with a disco-hell mix (word to Ced the Entertainer) of the simplest aspects of the Knicks’, Bobcats’ and Hawks’ unis.  While they are at it, maybe they should try to combine rosters with those squads.  Even if their jerseys stilled looked like they belonged in rec league for 10-12 year-olds, they might actually finish above 10th-12th in their conference.

The Milwaukee Bucks are introducing a new alternate jersey, inspired by their 1971 joints.  We tend to like simple uniforms (think Celtics or Spurs), but homage or not, these are simple in a boring kind of way.  And is that Big E on the end an homage to the Big Yi they lost this off-season?

New Orleans tweaked their outfits and logo ever so slightly, with the most important change being the re-introduction of the old Charlotte-style pinstripes.  Word to Dell Curry!  And Glenn Rice’s (former? ex?) wife.  And Muggsy.

Meanwhile, Minnesota also tinkered with the details of their unis.  At least they will look slightly different while losing 50+ games again.

3)  What big ticket players will be heading to new teams this year?  Odom?  Billups?  Randolph?
4)  Who will be the first player traded after the start of the regular season?

Don’t forget about Rasheed Wallace, who is in the last year of his contract, and playing for a GM, in Joe Dumars, that has been trying to shake things up since the end of last season.  Shawn Marion in Motown?  Seems intriguing.

5)  Which lottery pick will have the biggest impact on his team this year?  What about someone outside of the lottery?

This season we are presented with the rare situation of two #1 overall picks making their debuts, in Greg Oden and Derrick Rose.  Rose is a point’s point, but does not quite have the supporting cast that Oden can claim.  With the pivot spot sured up, Portland is looking to make post-season noise.  We are not convinced the Bulls can make that same leap.  Statistically, Michael Beasley will factor into this argument, but a Crazy Convention could break out with he and Shawn Marion both in South Beach.  And actually, after that weird Star Jones period D-Wade went through last year, maybe he’s the Chairman of Crazy, down there.

Non-lottery?  Watch out for another Blazer, Nicolas Batum, who is penciled in as the starting small forward in Rip City.  That smells like a Royal Ivey, 7-minutes-a-game-in-Atlanta starting scenario, though, so we’ll go with the Suns’ Robin Lopez.  With Steve Kerr’s emphasis on defense and The Diesel’s propensity to miss “unhealthy” chunks of the regular season, the wilder of the Lopez Twins is set to do damage.  And you gotta love the unintentional comedy/entertainment factor whenever the Lopez Twins are on the scene.  We need a reality show.

6)  Who will be the biggest bust from this year’s rookie class?

Joe Alexander.  Unless, like we have said before, he joins the professional beach volleyball circuit.  Or becomes one of those trampoline dunkers.

7)  Who will be the Jerry Sloan “Surprise Player Of The Year”?

Jerry Sloan dropped this gem after Kyrylo Fesenko dropped a 10/10 double-double on Portland this pre-season:  “That’s the best I’ve ever seen him play since he’s been alive.”

So who will have the best season they have ever had since being alive?  We don’t know, but that might be the best quote we hear while we’re alive.

8)  Can you explain some comments that were heard over the Summer regarding LeBron James being the most over-rated player in the NBA?  Who could even think such a thing?

Absurd.  Outlandish.  Flabbergasting.  The term is more over-used than a McCain/Maverick reference, but this is the definition of “hater”.  Only someone with a genuine personal issue with The King could utter such words.

9)  To the MRSV — Who are the leading Heartthrobs heading into the season?

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Official H.O.N. Top 5:

#1 Baron Davis
#2 Gilbert Arenas
#3 Tony Parker
#4 LeBron James
#5 D Wade

Dang, the MRSV went the pure big tymer route on us this year.  Dollar signs in her eyes, we think!
10)  Will the Pistons new coach and young up-and-comers return Motown to glory?

We’ll let the Mailroom Supervisor answer this one.  MRSV:  “What do you mean by return?  They are working on their 5th straight title this year.  What a run!”
11)  Can the “Boston Three Party” repeat this season?

“No, but the Pistons can.”  AAARRGGHHHH!!!!!  Get those crazy Pistons fans out of the control room!

12)  Seriously…  How are the Pistons going to do this year? Who is your favorite Piston?

No doubt about, ‘Sheed Wallace, yet and still.  Come on.  Ball don’t lie.  Sneaking up on ‘Sheed though, and ready to take the mantle, is Young Amir Johnson.  He is on the cusp of Revolutionary status, and in the starting lineup this year.  We like the Pistons’ chances as a team, as well.  They have managed to keep the old guard around, while infusing the rotation with young talent, in Rodney Stuckey, Johnson, Jason Maxiell and Arron Afflalo.  Tayshaun Prince still has not fully harnessed his talent, and Kwame Brown might even be a nice piece on a team like this.  We may have just talked ourselves out of the ‘Sheed trade, and into a Pistons Finals run.  Hmm… keep reading while we sort this out.

13)  With Sam-I-Am’s post-retirement coaching plans, who wins in a coaches’ “talking battle” - Sam Cassell or Avery Johnson?

If these two were to ever lead their teams against each other in a Playoff Series, the most-entertaining aspect of the series would the amazing press conferences.  Sam mumbling some obscure alien-like analogy with Avery slamming his hand on the table and using that one-of-a-kind voice to express his dismay.  Absolutely awesome.

14)  How many basketballs will the NBA use this year?
15)  How many jerseys will be purchased this year?
16)  Which franchise will make the most money?
17)  How many hot dogs will be sold at NBA games this year?
These must have come from the resident L.O.N. Salesman… all he cares about is the bottom line.  If you are ever around someone asking questions like this and saying your first name a lot, hide your wallet and run!  We’ll break it down, though:  1233, 2.89 million, Los Angeles Lakers, 14.33 million.

18)  Will Greg Oden come out and be an absolute beast? 

Good question.  He will be fighting a tough knee-injury recovery, adjusting to playing against the best athletes in the world, facing Breakfast Bounties and of course dealing with all the issues of being a 40+ year-old rookie.  We do not see Dwight Howard-like beastness, but he’ll give it to a large majority of the leagues pivots.  Still, that microfracture recovery is nothing to blink at, so do not expect the world, THIS year.

19)  Will Michael Jordan once again come out of retirement to play in the newly incorporated Space Basketball League (SBL)?

No, but he is the player/coach for Earth’s basketball team entry into the Space Olympics.

20)  Any powerhouse teams that will take a nosedive this year?

You heard it here first — the situation in Dallas is scary.  You have Rick Carlisle, known for defense and a controlled-offense, heading a team that screams for run-and-gun O with optional D.  Avery Johnson coaxed some nice defensive performances out of roughly the same team, but damn near the whole team hated him by the end of his run.  The individual talent on the roster is still obvious, but if they do not figure out a signature personality quickly, there could another, um, Cuban Missile Crisis on the horizon.

21)  Will LeBron tip his hand in regards to his impending departure to a New York team by the end of the year?
22)  Does L.O.N. support the King leaving Cleveland?

He won’t tip his hand this year, as dude actually has 2 more years in Cleveland.  That’s what a lot of people do not realize.  This issue is going to reach Brett Favre retirement level of media hype before it is all said and done.  But he’s not going to do anything to mess up his current situation; he is too savvy of a business man.  Do we support the departure?  Only if it’s to the BROOKLYN Nets, and only if Jay-Z is still involved.  The possibilities with those two cats together are endless, and we love all of them.

23) Could the Other Gasol (Marc) out-stat his brother, Pau?

It could happen.  Throw in the potential decline on Pau’s side due to further suppressing his own output for the good of the Lakers and the Andrew Bynum influence, with Marc’s potential output as the starting center on the run-and-gun Grizzlies, and these two’s stats may look more similar than you might think.  Marc looked good in the Olympics, but he would not be the first Euro to bust in the NBA.  He at least should make last year’s trade look slightly more even than the outright collusion it appeared to be at the time.

24)  What’s the top selling jersey in the NBA this year?

LeBron has got to claim this title eventually, right?  This is the year.  Mark it down.  If not him, it will probably be J.R. Smith (if L.O.N. comes into a trillion dollars and executes the “Jersey In Every Pot” plan).

25)  Are the Spurs too old?  Are the Spurs just dried up old raisins at this point?  Do we really need to discuss them still?  I don’t see their relevancy.

Seriously?  This comes through literally every year.  Check the League Pass ratings for your answer:  more relevant than ever.  Honestly, even if they falter on the court, The French Pastry keeps them relevant on the pop culture tip alone.  Dude is everywhere — NBA Live cover, Windows commercials, the tabloids with Eva, etc.  Los Spurs, holmes.

26)  Who is going to win the dunk contest?  With what kind of dunk?

We are not sure Dwight Howard will be defending his title, as the bona fide star in the dunk contest is a thing of the past.  We gotta put Gerald Green as the odds on favorite, going into the season, now that he is back on a roster, with the Mavs.  Green had the creativity and ability last year, and Superman cape or not, the cupcake dunk is still our favorite ish from last year’s contest.  Only Pac can judge what he might break out this year.

27)  How do you feel about Josh Howard’s off the court issues this Summer?

L.O.N. has lassez faire weed stance — let the people smoke.  But of course, Howard needs to know not to show the seams on national radio.  Same thing with the national anthem hulla baloo.  The man is allowed to speak his mind… but he might want to find a better forum.  The ugliest part of the situation ended up being the despicable emails and internet posts so many people out there anonymously leveled at Howard.  Come on.  In the words of the great Jay Hova, “I thought this was America people?”.  Even if the populace had expressed themselves a little more eloquently, they are contradicting themselves.  This would not be America if we were not allowed to speak our minds!  That being said, if you do not think J.R. Smith is the second coming of Basketball Jesus, ya’ll need to leave the country immediately.

28)  Will anything happen this season to further the belief that the NBA is rigged, like the WWE?

You mean, other than Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry only leaving Dantoni’s bench to perform actual WWE-style wrestling events at all Knicks home games?

29)  How many basketball games are you going to watch this year?

773.

30)  How many live basketball games are you going to watch?

Dang, is the Salesman back?   7?

31)  Please break down the Los Angeles Clippers - is it going to be as fun as it could be?  Baron, Ricky, young Al Thornton and the Twin Towers?

Fun is a good word, unless half the team ends up injured on the bench.  This is Boom Dizzle and Marcus Camby we are dealing with, after all.  Another phrase that might be used is “interesting mix”.  The Caveman and the Camby Man may actually work out well, since Camby likes to launch those 20 foot j’s more than bang on offense, and don’t even think about coming in the paint when they are on D.  But can they deal with smaller lineups?  What will Dunleavy get out of the notoriously mercurial Ricky Davis and Tim Thomas?  Are there too many Davis’ in one place at one time (Baron, Paul and Ricky)?  Will DeAndre Jordan make GMs across the league throw up in their mouths for passing over the one time projected lottery pick?  The people demand answers.

32)  What player is going to become a star this year?

If you don’t know the answer to this, you haven’t been reading.  Think the opposite of Emmitt Rider.


33)  Who is going to be the MVP?

LeBron James.  LeBron James again?  Awwww yeah, again and again.  The time is now.  Give him the jersey sales, the trophies, the triple-double season average… everything except the title.  It’s not quite time, yet.

34)  Overall predictions?

LeBron’s singular talent still will not quite be enough… the Ceatles will not be quite as hungry and will miss James Posey… no one in the Southeast is ready… neither is Philly… Pistons over Cavs in the Eastern Conference Finals.

Chris Paul’s singular talent will not quite be enough… Denver is Denver… the Lakers still do not quite feel quite right… Carlos Boozer’s surprisingly tentative/soft performance against the Lakers last year scares us…Dallas is done… Phoenix is rickety… Spurs over Rockets in Western Conference Finals.

Spurs over Pistons in 7.  Classic ish.

35)  What else do I need to know about?

Vinny The Black, coaching the Bulls.  Realize and recognize… We miss Agent Zero.  Get your knee right, playa!… All you DYYEEEE, is this part right here, BOOM!… If there is a God, please, please, please make Sasha Vujacic go back to the short hair… With all the focus on rookies, do not forget about 2nd year guys that could break out.  Keep your eyes on guys like Julian Wright and Thaddeous Young, this year… Kenny and Chuck are back!…

Thanks to all the readers who contributed questions. We couldn’t do it without you. Welcome to the 2007-2008 NBA season.

1) I’m almost afraid to ask based on past reactions associated with this issue, but… are the L.O.N. offices equipped with League Pass this year?HELL YEAH!!!! Finally!!!! This will be the first full L.O.N . season with League Pass since the Fat Boys broke up (well, not quite that long). Love it live. The NBA is fantastic. Where amazing happens. I love this game.

2) As we head into the season, what is the L.O.N. League Pass Team Ranking?

Official L.O.N. League Pass Pre-Season Top 10:#1 Celtics — K.G. and the Big Three… this is gonna be fun.
#2 G-State — If there’s any chance of Boom Dizzle showing us anything close to an encore of what he did to AK47 last year… we gotta see it. Plus, Brandan Wright flying around in this offense? Lil’ Monta? Stephen Jackson riding together?
#3 San Antonio — Where basketball and art come together.
#4 Denver — A.I., Melo, and a run-and-gun style.
#5 Seattle — L.O.N. hearts Kevin Durant.
#6 Phoenix — Just to say thanks. After all, Phoenix is almost entirely responsible for bringing back the up tempo style and killing the L.O.N. Contraction Club segments.
#7 Memphis — The new Phoenix? Perhaps the funnest team to watch that people don’t realize yet. A run-and-gun style with a million talented point guards, wings specializing in breakfast preparation, and the most entertaining 3-point bomber in the L (one love to Mike Miller).
#8 Charlotte — Crash? J-Rich? FELTON!??!!
#9 Minnesota — There’s just something about a collection of completely unknown, young talent… they narrowly beat out Portland for this slot.
#10 Dirty Jers — OH THE VINSANITY!!!!!Can LeBron get a new offense or teammates or something? There is no excuse for him not being on this list.

This list is subject to rapid change. Don’t underestimate the impact the hometown announcers have. Just like the smallest hair in your tortilla soup, one awful play-by-play guy (can you say Joel Meyers?) can ruin the whole experience.

3) Who is going to be the worst team to watch this year, besides the Spurs?

Hater in the house! This must have come from a Pistons fan…Bottom Four:

#1 Chicago — The denim shirt of the NBA — effective but hideous.
#2 Orlando — If we never see J.J. Redick again, it will be too soon.
#3 LA Lakers — Two words: Joel Meyers. And L.O.N. doesn’t exactly love Mr. Cryant. Sorry, L-Eezy.
#4 Indiana — We GUARANTEE Jim O’Brien was not hired to boost ratings.

4) Who will be the worst team in the league this year?

Here are the probably contenders: Sacramento, LA Clippers, Portland, Indiana, Lakers, Milwaukee (The Yi Guarantee factor doesn’t help), and Philly. We predict Philly. They are stuck with an in-between roster (a mix of too-young talent and solid vets) that won’t have a real identity. And while we love him, Mo Cheeks hasn’t exactly earned a reputation for squeezing extra wins out of his teams.

5) What is going on in Cleveland?Maybe a little xenophobia? Danny Ferry is not handing out contracts to non-Americans. Anderson Varejao and Sasha Pavlovic have been left high-and-dry this off-season, and are STILL unsigned as we write this. They are stuck in restricted free agency limbo where even if they reached an agreement with another squad, Cleveland can match. They way this whole situation has gone down has been interesting, as there is a bit of mystery to it. You’d think some sort of statement or news report about this situation would have come out. Are they just being cheap? Is LeBron happy or pissed about the further lack of a supporting cast? Is Boobie Gibson this generation’s B.J. Armstrong?

Conventional wisdom says this team is taking 1 step backwards this year in order to eventually take 2 steps forward. But that would be doubting LeBron… something that usually isn’t a good idea.

***THIS JUST IN — Sasha Pavlovic signs 3-year deal shortly before the season is set to kickoff. So ignore about half of what you just read…

6) Can LeBron top last year’s performances in “The LeBrons” commercials, despite his terrible SNL performance?

Even without the SNL travesty, it would be hard to top those joints. They were classics, but we think he has it in him. We’re going to chalk SNL up to bad writing and completely forget about it. Kanye stole the glory on that show, for sure.

“I got Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise on it, Wise LeBron”

7) How is Ernie Johnson doing?Good ol’ E.J. seems to be a-o-k, following his bout with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. He’s been back in full-swing manning his post at various golf and baseball events, and is set to begin his host/referee post on TNT’s top-notch “Inside The NBA”.

What can we expect from the Chuckster this year?If ya’ll heard his recent ESPN podcast with the Sports Guy, we just hopes he gets off that lean, that syrup, that promethazine! He sounded completely out of it on that show. Kenny and EJ will mos def have him riled up when it’s showtime, though.

9) How will the big three fare in Boston? Who will emerge as the leader?

For the leadership aspect, ESPN’s The Sports Guy sums it up best:

“KG is so intense, NBA TV should have a reality show just so we could see him doing everyday things like buying clothes or pumping gas. A friend of mine watched a Pats game in the same suite as KG and reported that Garnett got so wound up during the games he’d stand up every time Randy Moss was being single covered and start muttering, “Here we go … here we go …”. Multiple people have described being in the same room with him when he gets like that as ‘being in the same room with a force of nature.’ “.

So regardless of what else happens, the C’s emotional leader is KG.

Overall, it may take them a little time to get on the same page and establish a rotation, but this team will be good and should challenge for the Eastern Conference title. It’s a simple equation — you give KG talent around him, he wins.

10) Is this the year for the Pistons?

The delusional Mailroom Supervisor would tell you they are in a middle of a 4-peat that will continue on to a thumb ring this year. That is why she is still only in charge of the mailroom! The Pistons’ year was 2004… hope you enjoyed it.

11) Can the Pistons continue their run of success despite Joe D making virtually no off-season moves?

Is this the same reader? No off-season moves? What do you want him to do, blow up his roster for Kobe? Joe D replenished his depth by adding young, talented backcourt players in Arron Afflalo and Ronald Stuckey, and made a solid signing in Jarvis Hayes. Then there is the improvement from within. By cutting loose Webber (at least for now), Jason Maxiell will be unleashed on the world, and Antonio McDyess — who arguably outplayed Webber last year — will see more time. Finally there’s the X-Factor: Amir Johnson. Dumars declared him untouchable at one point last year, and this may be the season he joins the rotation.

12) What did Stephon Marbury do this summer?

Starbury was everywhere, doing everything, speaking on every topic. He waxed poetic on retiring as a Knick, leaving the L and going to play in Italy ala David Beckham, defending Michael Vick’s dogfighting past, and dropped this gem about his newfound faith:“I’m a born-again Christian. I’ve been reborn. I’ve awakened from the dead. My body and my mind were asleep. I was sleepwalking. I basically was laying in a coffin dead. Then when I became reborn, I was able to open my eyes and see myself.”

This news of a change in faith came just weeks after Starbury “starred” in perhaps the biggest real life soap opera of the summer — the Isiah Thomas/Madison Square Garden/Anucha Browne-Sanders sexual harassment trial. The highlights of Starbury’s testimony centered around activities between the point guard and a Garden intern, in a car, outside a strip club!

So, what didn’t he do? And we haven’t even started making jokes yet!
13) How many cheeseburgers do Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph eat as a pre-game meal?
As a quirky, superstitious pre-game ritual type thing, they each eat their jersey number in cheeseburgers. That’s 34 for E-City and 50 Z-Bo!!!!!

14) What’s going on in Miami? How will Shaq’s divorce affect his play?

We’ll let Shaq tell you: Big Shaq Daddy had this to say about the absence of this P-N-C, Flash:

“As a tamed tiger now, you always go back to what you know, ala Siegfried and Roy. I’ve been tame the last couple years, but here’s a chance for me to go wild again. It’s nothing new for me. Any time I get more shots, more touches, I’m all for it.”

Oh, he’s talking about on the court… at first we thought he was talking about the divorce!

15) In how many games will we see both D-Wade and Shaq this year?

All 82. Most of the time though, one will be stylin’ and profilin’ from the bench in a nice suit. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Real answer? Let’s see… 82 divided by 19… carry the 3… minus 15… plus an additional 23 to the .6 power… 47+playoffs-2.

16) Do you see any potential quality NBA-based reality shows? 5 words: Ricky. Davis. On. South. Beach.

17) Should Gilbert Arenas really be playing Halo 3 all night?

Gilbert claims to play this game up to 14 hours a day! If that’s even close to true… wow. Where does he find time to, you know, play basketball? More importantly, is that cutting into his blog time? If so, that XBOX 360 needs to be destroyed, because we need more quotes like this one:“Back in the day when I would day dream I thought that if I could score 100 points against any team it would be the Boston Celtics. Now, I knew it would never happen, but if I could do one thing in the NBA it would be to score 100 against Boston. So anyway, since everybody is back on the Boston bandwagon it brought back old memories. So listen here. On November 2nd, we’re going to go into that building, we’re opening up Boston. Right now I’m telling the Boston fans: You guys are going to lose. It’s not going to be a victory for Boston. You might as well just cheer for me, because Boston isn’t winning in Boston for the season opener. I’m sorry.”

18) What can we expect from Jeffrey Jordan? Is he going to enter the NBA early and get special permission to based on his name?

We have to admit… there were goosebumps in the L.O.N. offices as he was interviewed on the sideline of the recent Michigan/Illinois football game. We gotta take this slow though. Despite his 46!!!! inch vertical, Jeffrey is merely a walk-in with less than world beater expectations. But we’re guessing he might AT LEAST get a look on the summer team of a certain NBA team located in a certain southern city…

19) Has Michael Jordan finally worked his magic and put a playoff contender together in Charlotte?Playoff contender is such a strong term… If they had not lost offensive naturals Sean May and Adam Morrison for the year, they might be close, but instead they are probably one more year away. The good news is they are finally past the Brevin Knight Era and this become Raymond Felton’s team. That’s ballerific. These young’ns still need to learn how to win (maybe J-Rich helps a little with that?) and rebuild the bench destroyed by injury. And the jury is out on brand new coach Sam Vincent.

20) Boston, Cleveland, Detroit, or Miami?

This reader had one glaring omission: The Chi. But while they are a fo’ sho’ contender in the current form, it looks like the Kobe Bryant fiasco will play a big part in Chicago like Queen Latifah. Depending on what they give up, that may or may not be a good thing. And the Skiles/Cryant relationship seems like it’s already on thin ice.

One other omission — the T-Dot-O. Sleep on Toronto if you want, but they made their splash last year, and an improved Il Mago will result in an improved team from top to bottom. Never count out the slick-dressed Sam Mitchell.

But to answer the question… Boston.

21) This one is for the totally cool Mailroom Supervisor. Who are the leading Heartthrobs heading into the season? The MRSV’s Official H.O.N. Top 9:

#1 Gilbert Arenas — Leading vote-getter. Keep up the good looks.
#2 Joaquim Noah — We’re looking for some more crazy celebration moves from him.
#3 Dwyane Wade — Still looking good in the T-Mobile commercials.
#4 Amare Stoudemire — Hot.
#5 Tony Parker — It’s so cute the way he says Timmy.
#6 Lebron James — On this list despite his nail biting issues.
#7 RIP — Gotta protect that nose.
#8 Vince Carter — Slammer jammer!
#9 Melo — The potential is there… but we need a makeover.

22) Any new tattoos/haircuts/looks in the offseason?

New tattoos abound, and Stephen Jackson easily wins the best new addition award. Praying hands holding a gun in a church? That’s thug genius.Robert Swift, the 21 y/o potential starting center for the Sonics, is trying to bring that Cherokee Parks feel back to the league with his new look .

Then you have DeShawn Stevenson emblazoning his own last name across his back, and Al Harrington getting a ginormous self-portrait on his back (no publicly available picture… but, um, we can guess what it looks like). Huh? Supposedly Stevenson is planning to complete the design with a large #2, his jersey number. Think he’ll pay top dollar for a specific number if (when) he ever gets traded?

In hair and other style news, Brad Miller had cornrows for at least one pre-season game, Drew Gooden cut the ducktail, Ben Wallace is allowed to wear the headband (ending the stupidest controversy ehhhhhh-vurrrrrrr). The Atlanta Hawks have new uniforms, logos, and color scheme, including navy blue! There should be a rule against introducing completely new colors that have nothing to do with your current shades. And are they trying to slowly morph into the Bobcats? Is this another Bob Johnson corporate takeover?

Philly made small tweaks, but kept the same principles. Washington made the oh-so-subtle trim change from bronze to gold. The Pacers are using a new all-gold road alternate, thankfully minus the pinstripes.

23) Will Steve Nash continue to break the dress code? And FLAUNT it? Stern lives by one rule… if it ain’t white, it ain’t right! Just kidding… but if players in the league can’t dress “hip-hop”, then they should not be allowed to dress “hipster” either. MVP or not.

And now… this small commercial break, courtesy of the L.O.N. Unpaid Intern: *** DISCLAIMER *** The views expressed by the Unpaid Intern do not necessarily reflect those of L.O.N. But then again, maybe the do…

24) Predict one crazy thing you can expect from Mark Cuban.

Other than appearing in sleeveless shirt after sleeveless shirt on Dancing With The Stars? You cannot expect Mark Cuban to do one crazy thing. You can expect him to do many:

– Purchase the Cubs, bring in A-Rod and go to the World Series.
– Invent an elevator that goes to the moon.
– Purchase the White Sox, give Ozzie Guillen his own one hour television show on HBO and take them to the World Series, where they will play the Cubs to a 3-3 series draw, at which time both teams agree to share the title and Chicago rejoices and names Mark Cuban the mayor.
– Hire Vegas pit-bosses to watch NBA refs for signs of cheating.
– Hire Vegas mafia-types to break the fingers and legs of refs thought to be cheating the Mavs.
– Invent a new internet that doesn’t require electricity, computers or information.
– And despite him repeatedly defending his big folding German, he will trade him for Kobe Bryant, who comes through in the clutch and leads the Mavs an NBA title.

Editor’s Note: In retrospect, HOW IN THE HELL DID BIG DIRK LIKE WHAT WIN THE MVP?!?!??!?!?!!! A disgrace and a sham. That’s a fugazi award… just ask Tim Thomas.25) Will the NBA ever be the same after the referee game fixing scandal? Or has everyone forgotten about that already?

No. The NBA will not be the same. It will be better. You see, it’s not that the good of the game that will suffer from the extra attention that will likely be paid to its officials. Many have speculated the NBA has been fixing games to get teams that have the biggest following into the playoffs; to have seven game series, etc; Resulting in better rankings, more worldwide exposure and more…MONEY. This suspicion was summed up by Detroit’s Rasheed Wallace when he broke down last year’s Pistons-Cavs series.

“I still don’t think they (Cavaliers) beat us, we beat ourselves. And I think we also fell victim to that personal NBA thing where they are trying to make it a world game and get (television) ratings. They wanted to put their darling in there (the NBA Finals) and they did, and look what ended up happening.”

“This game ain’t basketball anymore, it’s entertainment,” Wallace said. “It’s starting to get like the WWF.”

Not so fast my friend. Now that the whistle has been blown on refs fixing games, we might see better officiating. Because now no one will be able to fix games, not even David Stern. And that has the little fellow hopping mad.

Editor’s Note: You know when it started to be like the WWF? When Roscoe gave championship WRESTLING belts to his fellow Pistons after they won the chip!

Back to our regularly scheduled program…

26) How bad are the Clippers going to be with everyone hurt?

Best case scenario: Everyone rallies, Corey Maggette, Tim Thomas and Al Thornton figure out a way to play together and thrive, Chris Kaman has a career year, Sam-I-Am stays healthy and plays like he did two years ago, Elton Brand comes back in full-form in early February and these guys challenge for the 8th spot in the West.

Worst case scenario: Sam Cassell openly dogs it and sits out most games, publicly declaring his wishes to be cut so he can sign with a contender <cough>Boston!</cough>. Elton Brand misses the entire season. Corey Maggette and Tim Thomas publicly announce a $100k bet on who can attempt the most field goals this season, and to make it somewhat entertaining for the fans, they hold three-point, Around The World, and H.O.R.S.E. contests DURING THE GAMES. Brevin Knight is showered with bribes from each player. Clippers win 11 games.

27) Will we see Brand this year? Will we ever see Shaun Livingston again?

Brand will be fine. He might not even need an Achilles… just take it out and leave it sitting in the Hollywood Hills by an infinity pool. He could average a double-double with prosthetic legs cut from old telephone poles.

As for Livingston, yikes… that’s not supposed to happen to an animate object. Barring further advancements in alien-limb-replacement program run by the L.O.N. Revolutionaries head trainer, it’s gonna be tough. It seems like he’s working hard to get back, but that’s a crazy injury to comeback from. We wish him the best.

28) Will Dirk continue to fold like a lawn chair when it counts?

You mean fold like fresh laundry? Fold like Phil Hellmuth? Are you talking about folding like origami? Like a paper airplane? So you’re saying fold up like a card table? Fold like a road map? Fold like the XFL?

Yes.

29) Is this Darko’s year? Yes, it is.

Well there you have it.

30) Stephen Jackson as team captain? Really?

Stephen Jackson is the heart and soul of this Golden State team. He is the type of guy that is the ultimate teammate on the court. Just flashback to when he exclaimed “We ride together!” during the infamous Malice At The Palace. Sure, he may be stark raving mad lunatic, but what type of personality would you rather have in Nellie’s frenetic offense? As long as Golden State’s team captain isn’t in charge of planning off-the-court team get-togethers, this makes a lot of sense.

31) Is Golden State gonna feed off of last season’s Playoff run, and stomp people this year?

They lack a certain “sanity amidst chaos” that Phoenix has (or maybe it’s just Nash/Amare/The Matrix that they lack), that will probably prevent them from being a real contender. But another Playoff run? Why not? One thing is official like a referee with a whistle: it WILL be a fun and entertaining ride.

32) Will the Trailblazer’s enthusiasm wane after losing Oden for the year, or will their core of young players still show they’re going to be winners?

They definitely won’t win this year, but with a good coach in Nate McMillan and a very nice group of youngsters in LaMarcus Aldridge, Channing Frye, Martell Webster, Jarrett Jack and Travis Outlaw, things are looking up. After pledging to do so years ago, management has FINALLY cleaned house of all the “bad character” guys, and have managed to build a strong base in doing so. This used to be one of the greatest fan bases in the League, with a super-hyphy arena. Now that environment could be back soon.

33, 34, 35, 36 and 37) I though Kobe was leaving, what happened? What the #$&% is wrong with Kobe? Does he really have any legitimate reasons to be such a cry baby? Can we get a LeBron for Kobe trade? Will Kobe ever be happy again in LA? Will the Lakers make any moves to really improve the team?

No comment. Don’t want to hear about it, see it, smell it, touch it or even taste it till it’s done. PLEASE GET THIS STUPID TRADE DONE!

We’d almost rather talk about steroids.

38) Will the aging Spurs ever stop winning?

Aging? Really? Tim Duncan and Manu are still in their primes, while Tony Parker, at 25, hasn’t even reached his! The core is still there, but we do admit the role players are definitely aging… Bruce Bowen, Michael Finley and Robert Horry can still remember the two-handed set shot. Either way, they are the championship favorites, hands down. Watch out for Darius Washington…

39) Are we finally seeing the balance of power even out between the East and West?

It is definitely looking that way, despite the Lottery results that sent the top prospects out West. We’ll still take the West 1-8, but the East is no longer the whipping boy it used to be. If Mr. Cryant is shipped to the other side of the Mississippi, it will even things up even more.

40) Which league would you rather commish right now? NFL? MLB? NBA? NHL? MLS?

UFC not an option? Do they have a commish? It’s all about that cheddar cheese and front row seats. NFL might give the most oaxacan, but the NBA gives the best seats… and we actually have opinions on the NBA issues… so NBA. Our first act? Hire David Stern to do all the work.

41) Allan Houston? Really?

Old jump-shooters never die. Dell Curry and Glen Rice could probably still out shoot 90% of the league. The problem? Old knees do die. Unlike Reggie Miller, who threw the towel in at the early stages of his comeback attempt, Houston is still lingering, but odds are he stays right there in that ESPN studio.

42) How consistent do you see Al Horford being this year? Can you see him winning ROY over Durant or is Durant going to run away with it? Any other sleepers?
It will probably take a little time for Horford. He has no veteran presence, no proven point guard, and he’s on a team that completely lacks an identity. And we haven’t even mentioned the million or so forwards on the Hawks roster. Once he figures things out, he’ll be well behind Kevin Durant in the ROY race. The two main sleepers we see are Corey Brewer and Al Thornton. Both showed flashes of NBA-readiness in the pre-season, and both are in situations that should guarantee them a lot of minutes.

43) What’s the over/under on Kevin Durant’s FG% this season? You don’t think he could shoot less than 30% do you?

40%. He’s just too good to shoot below 30%… his shot is nice. He’ll just probably be forced to take too many bad ones on that Sonics team.

44) Who is injured coming into the season?

Seems like mostly only secondary types are out to start this year, with a lot of hand injuries and sprained ankles going around. Here’s the rundown: Chucky Atkins out 6-8 weeks, marking the 502nd straight year the Nuggets start the season with a question mark at shooting guard… Mike Bibby, thumb, 10-12 weeks as mentioned in the “worst team in the league” segment… D-Wade out till late November… Spencer Hawes, knee surgery out till December… Lamar Odom out up to 2 weeks following off-season shoulder surgery… Kevin Durant questionable early with a sprained ankle, but nothing serious… Marcus Williams, foot surgery, 2 months, and the combined age of the remaining two (Jason Kidd and Darrell Armstrong) Dirty Jerse point guards is 70+!!!… Detroit rookie Rodney Stuckey, hand surgery, out 6 weeks… Joakim Noah and David West out for a few days with ankle sprains…

The biggies? Greg Oden and Sean May down for the year to microfracture surgery, Adam Morrison gone with a torn ACL, and Etan Thomas sitting following heart surgery.

Suspensions also abound: Ron Artest suspended 7 games, subject to appeal, after pleading no-contest to a domestic violence charge in May… Stephen Jackson with a similar 7 spot due to a criminal recklessness charge… James Posey to miss 1 game, pending appeal, for the C’s after pleading no contest to a reckless driving charge. The best part about this one? He wasn’t driving! He was walking in a club parking lot at the time of the incident!… Josh Howard to miss the Mavs first 2 games after his pre-season attack on Brad Miller… Shawne Williams (who had a big pre-season, scoring-wise) will miss 3 games after a weed possession issue… And last but not least, J.R. Smith of the Denver Nuggets will serve a 3 game suspension handed down by his own team, for conduct detrimental to the team.

Isn’t this a PR nightmare? Hey everybody, it’s a great new season! Look at all these suspended players! They need to figure out a better way to handle this… a staggered suspension start, or something.

And now, onto the main event… enjoy the season.