L.O.N.

Line Of The Night:

Dirk Nowitzki — 48 points on 12-15 shooting and 24-24 from the free throw line, 6 boards, 4 assists, 4 blocks

We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again.  Big.  Dirk.  Like.  Whut.  If Scott Brooks had walked into his living room, flicked on his PS3, set the level to All-World-Pro-Star and played the Mavs, the computer might have, at it’s ceiling, produced a game like this.  Automatic.  Robotic.  And he even went a stretch in the 4th, during the Jose Juan Barea Show, when he didn’t really shoot much!  He didn’t even cap out!  This was an all-time great playoff performance.  Become legendary.

Worst Of The Night AKA Not So Bad Of The Night:

Russell Westbrook — 20 points on 3-15 shooting, 3 assists, 3 boards, 1 steal

People were all over him again last night for his shooting percentage, but he obeyed our rule — he shot less than Kevin Durant, whose ridiculous 40 point night was overshadowed by Dirk’s redirkulous night.  We are not even going to get on Westbrook too hard.  He stayed aggressive.  He lived in the lane (only 4 shots outside the paint) and foul line (14-18 there), and he shot no 3’s!  Game 2 will be his true test.  Does he go to that Kobe, hero style, our does he stick with this style game, knowing he is probably not going to miss all those shots again?  Oh, but still expect a million street MC’s to start giving us “I shoot more than Westbrook” lines.

For Threeeeeeeeee Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 3 points, 3 boards, 3 steals, 3 turnovers, 3 fouls, 3 3-point attempts

All three everything?  Is there a numerologist in the building?

Enough with the blue outs, when the other team WEARS THAT COLOR!  We kept thinking it was an OKC home game when looking at that crowd… OKC probably is not feeling all that bad about this one.  They had this one down to 6 points late despite Dirk’s once in a lifetime game, so if they tighten some stuff up, this will be a series… Kevin Durant looked like a creature from another world on the play where he grabbed the defensive rebound and took it coast-to-coast… Should James Harden start?  Thabo Sefolosha seems to be nothing more than a placeholder in this matchup, with no real wing player for him to lock down…  The Cavs win the #1 pick in the NBA Draft via the Clippers pick they acquired in the Baron Davis deal.  Yikes, that deal looks a whole lot worse now, but it’s typical Clip Joint ish… Nate Robinson, go to your room.  Word to Tony Kornheiser…

Line Of The Night:

Zach Randolph — 31 points, 11 zbounds, 2 assists, 1 steal

That is how you close out a series!  Despite being blanketed by Antonio McDyess in the 4th quarter, Z-Bo hit difficult shot, after difficult shot, after impossible shot to finish off the Spurs, completing only the fourth 8th seed first round victory in NBA history.  They outplayed the Spurs the entire series, but you have to wonder — or even obsess, if your name is Manu Ginobili — what might have happened if the Spurs best player had not missed Game 1.  That is no discredit to the Grizz though, as they earned every single win.

Worst Of The Night:

Richard Jefferson — 6.5 points, 4.2 boards, .8 assists, .5 blocks, .5 steals

So much for this year’s “revitalized” Jefferson.  After playing well in the first 2 games, RJ completely fell off the map, thoroughly out-played by Memphis’ Sam Young.  Jefferson is due about $30 million over the next 3 years… any takers?  He is perhaps the biggest question mark on the existing roster of a Spurs that is sure to be active this offseason.  They will still be poised to make regular season noise next year, but they need some young height in that frontcourt to be a postseason factor going forward.

MEM vs. OKC Of The Night:

By the time you read this, it will be less than 24 hours until Memphis has to get right back at it.  No time for celebration on Beale street for the giant slayers.  They will face a very different challenge in the 2nd round.  Can Tony Allen have the same defense impact against Kevin Durant or Russell Westbrook that he had against Manu Ginobili?  If Allen is charged with Durant, will Westbrook eviscerate Mike Conley like Tony Parker started to do towards the end of their series?  Will Z-Bo have the same offensive impact matched against the Kendrick Perkins/Serge Ibaka frontcourt?  If he does not, we are not sure the Grizz have a plan B.  We see the Thunder taking this one in as little as 5, as they vie to complete the changing of the guard in the West.

DAL vs. LAL Of The Night:

It is somewhat shocking that Dirk’s Mavs have never met Kobe’s Lakers in the Playoffs.  Chalk that up to Lakers’ lull several years ago and Dallas’ choke jobs the past few years.  Dallas looked better than people expected in the first round, while the Lakers looked a little worse.  This is a “prove it” series for the Mavs, and a “ya’ll better have won that one” for the Lakers.  The Mavs have the size to at least battle the Lakers bigs, so this one might come down to the strictly star power — Dirk vs. Kobe.  The Lakers have Lamar Odom to at least give Dirk trouble, but do the Mavs have any one to do the same against Kobe?  Looks like (hopefully) a 7 gamer.  Until we see actual evidence to the contrary, we have to begrudgingly pick the Lake Show.  AARP watch:  Jason Kidd vs. Derek Fisher.

ATL vs. CHI Of The Night:

People are saying the Bulls D will give the Hawks fits, but the Hawks LOVE terrible shots… so does defense matter?  They definitely have more offensive firepower than the Pacers and we saw how much of a battle that series was.  The Hawks have been literally hamstrung by starting point guard Kirk Hinrich’s injury, who will miss the series.  Big blow.  Since they drafted Marvin Williams ahead of Chris Paul, do they reserve the right to make that trade for the next round?  On the other side, it looks like Carlos Boozer will be suiting up in Game 1 despite an injured toe.  We think the Hawks will surprise people by pushing this one 7, but that Derrick Rose and the Bulls eventually pull it out.  Gator stomp watch:  Al Horford vs. Joakim Noah.

BOS vs. MIA Of The Night:

Awwwwww, sookie socky.  We have been waiting all season for this one.  De facto Eastern Conference Finals?  We think so.  Not much to be said about this one that will not be covered ad nauseam, other than WATCH.  AND ENJOY.  Heat in 7.  Guard changed.  Get Boshty with it.  Castoffs watch:  Jermaine O’Neal, Shaquille O’Neal (maybe) and Carlos Arroyo vs. Eddie House…

Argh, Shane Battier takes down Danny Green, and with Denver going out, the Carolina influence has been hamstrung.  They are left with Marvin Williams, Brendan Haywood and Mitch Kupchak if you want to dig deep, vs. Battier and Boozer… Antonio McDyess had a very long and solid career in which he had to remake himself following atheleticism-robbing knee and leg injuries.  No doubt the Spurs would love to have his consistent jumper and expert post D back, but if that was your last game Antonio, we wish you well… Unless there is behind-the-scenes stuff we don’t know, it only makes sense to us for the Pacers to bring back both Larry Bird and Frank Vogel…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

The madness is officially over.  It’s all double-headers, single games, or [gasp] nights off from here on out.  After the trailing teams went 0-3 in for Game 7’s last night, the Spurs are the last hope for one in the first round.  Second round is when we start to realize the realism of life and actuality, though.  Word to AZ.  So fasten your seat belts.  Word to Ralph Lawler.

Line Of The Night:

Dirk Nowitzki — 33 points, 11 boards, 4 assists, 1 block

Big.  Dirk.  Like.  Whut.  Chris Johnson hit him with a shot to the head and lit a fire under Dirk.  He was the Dirk we’d like to see more often in the Mavs closeout game.  Fiery.  On fire.  Virtually unstoppable.  But is it going to have to take a bump to the head to get him going like this against the Lakers?  At least he’ll have Ron Artest around to potentially provide such a blow.  It was a true team effort to close this one out though, as Dirk, Jet, Kidd, Shawn Marion and J.J. Barea all had key baskets in the clutch.  Oh, and Tyson Chandler on D against LaMarcus Aldridge.

Worst Of The Night AKA Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 11 assists, 10 points, 8 boards, 2 steals

Wow, did we just write that?  Probably a first in L.O.N. history to have these two categories coincide.  Paul would tell you himself it was not his best effort.  Hard to say exactly what happened, but it seemed like he — and his teammates — did not show the expected desperation until way late.  The Lakers even game them a little opening to start the game, as they came out lethargic as well.  Tough pill to swallow for CP3, but you cannot fault him much, given his amazing effort throughout the rest of the series.

Strategery Of The Night:

Kobe Bryant — 24 points, 3 steals, 2 assists, 1 rebound

The stats are whatever, but what we noticed was how good a job he did bringing up the ball quickly and getting it to the big men early before the Hornets’ D was setup.  And credit to Bynum and Gasol for getting down the floor and establishing position at an equal pace.  That strategy killed the Hornets all night long.

Don’t Blame Him Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 25 points, 15 boards, 3 blocks, 2 assists, 1 steal

Beastly all series.  Perhaps his greatest playoff series off his career, individually.  But like Chuck says, you don’t live by the 3, you die by the 3.  Save for Game 5, the Magic could not hit the shot they launch in bushels, and it was their downfall. The Magic face a tough situation heading into this offseason.  With expensive guys like Jameer and Gilbert Areneas duplicating roles, will management blow it up again?  And do they even have movable pieces to do something like that?  Big, big offseason for this squad.

Blame Him Of The Night:

LaMarcus Aldridge — 24 points, 10 boards

Your best player has to be your best player.  Aldridge’s production stayed roughly the same — even went down a little — in the postseason.  It’s gotta go up.  Much was made during the regular season, especially regarding All-Star selections, of Aldridge raising his game following Brandon Roy’s injuries.  He wasn’t ready to take that next step this year, at least not with Tyson Chandler hounding him.

Whew, Tyson Chandler saw the waitress coming with his breakfast, but got out of his booth just in time… Maybe in person it was a good look, but from afar, on tv, it looked like Monty purely put on the wrong suitcoat.  He sorta looked like the beach — ocean on the bottom, sand up top.  God was willing, but the creek didn’t rise… Josh Smith is a debacle, albeit an entertaining debacle… Individually, this series goes to Ariza over Artest, right?  It still seems like the Lakers should have picked him… Larry Drew and Stan Van Gundy thought there was one more competition in the series — who could talk more in the post-game presser… Chalk one up for Carolina over Duke.  Marvin Williams > J.J. Redick…  WE DID IT CREEZY!!!!!

It took eleven nights, but we finally had a “bad” night of the Playoffs.  Three games, three blowouts.  Enough drama unfolded to keep things interesting, though.

Line Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — 25 points, 6 assists, 2 boards, 2 steals, 2 blocks

M-V-P!  M-V-P!  M-V-P!  It wasn’t the ankle injury from the previous game that slowed down Rose and the Bulls in this one, it was foul trouble.  Rose went out early in the 3rd with his 4th foul, and Indiana started to get it in.  Tom Thibodeau quickly put his entire offense back in the game, and it was on.  Donkey Kong.  Derrick Rose assist.  Derrick Rose three.  DERRICK ROSE BLOCK!!!!  Derrick Rose three.  Derrick Rose foul shot.  Derrick Rose three.  Game time.  Series over.  On to the next.

Worst Of The Night:

Darren Collison — 7 points, 5 assists, 3 boards

Collison started off this series balling, needing no time to get acclimated to these Playoffs.  It was almost enough to lead his team to a Game 1 upset.  Almost.  He looked to continue this breakout performance in Game 2, but was injured after falling on a camerman under the basket.  He was never the same.  Maybe it was the injury, maybe the defensive-minded Bulls figured out an anti-Collison elixir, but either way, the rest of the series he was a shadow of the guy that was everywhere for the Pacers in Game 1.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Atlanta Hawks, 76 points vs. Orlando Magic

Guess they really wanted to close this thing out at home, instead of on the road.  But guess what?  There are no guarantees, and you just let a team that bombs 3’s get loose from outside and you gave Dwight Howard a virtual night off.  Momentum just swung hard in Orlando’s direction.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Wah, wah, wah.  I’m Kobe Bryant and my ankle hurts.  Wah, wah, wah.  Not really, but I desperately need the attention.  Wah, wah, wah.  Eat your breakfast, Emeka.  Wah, wah, wah.  Plays like that alone would get me the attention, but I need more.  Wah, wah, wah.

NBA-Tinged Lyrics Of The Night:

“But I’m Bynum and Gasol, this is all my lane/Your little Calderon raps too small to hang”, Shad, “Give You All I Can”

Switch Calderon with Okafor, and you have a literal description of what went down last night.  The Lakers dominated the offensive boards and second chance points, which they really should do every game against this Hornets squad.  As usual, a motivated Lakers team is a winning Lakers team.

Playoff Beards Of The Night:

What is going on Orlando?  Are they the first group to grow groomed Playoff beards?  Are they not united on the movement?  Is it purely a coincidence and it is simply a bunch of guys with facial hair?  Is it all a big prank on J.J. Redick and Earl Clark?  The people want answers.

Objection, your honor!  Please disallow Exhibit A.  Sustained!… Think the Spurs are hoping for an Orlando-like performance in Game 5?  They have similar role players that have not done much, that would love to get rolling… Malik Allen alert… It pains us to say it, and hopefully this is buried well enough that no one actually reads it, but we love Dahntay Jones’ mentality and wish more guys played the game like him… No doubt the Bulls are seriously considering keeping Joakim Noah’s grandfather on-call to show up for important games.  Noah had next level energy last night… Looks like we can all agree that, while a very, very good player, Danny Granger is officially not an “impose my will” guy… The Bulls series victory over the Pacers means one thing:  The Jersey Neckline Gods have ruled:  classic beats that wishbone garbage… QUEENSBRIDGE!!!!  Ron Artest won the J. Walter Kennedy Citizenship Award for his work raising awareness of mental health issues.  Representing lovely… Carlos Boozer injured his toe during last night’s game.  It is unknown if it will cost him any time… FREE T.J. FORD!!!

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Carmelo Anthony — 42 points, 17 boards, 6 assists, 2 blocks

Spectacular.  With Chauncey out from the start, and Amar’e knocked out midway through with back spasms, it was an all-time performance, but… the Knicks still lost.  Doc Rivers smartly doubled the ish out of him in the final few minutes, and we were all shown that “point forward” is not an accurate descriptor of Jared Jeffries.  You think Melo looked around at any point and thought, “Wait… I thought I rejected the trade to the Nets?”?

Honorable Mention Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 30 points, 7 assists, 4 boards, 2 steals

We could not give him the L.O.N.nie because, well, he BETTER score 30 when given that many wide open lanes to the basket!  After he picked up an early foul, Toney Douglas did not even try to guard Rondo in transition, but what was worse, was the lack of help.  With Billups sidelined Douglas was probably making the smart play, in an effort to remain on the floor, but the 4 other guys out there need to be aware of the situation too.  But then what in the world was that play where it looked like he intentionally fouled Rondo close to halfcourt?  Bizarre.

Worst Of The Night:

Bill Walker — 2 points on 0-11 shooting

Ouch.  And he got a dumb technical, giving the C’s a free point which proved fairly important at the end of the game.  This was the Knicks downfall in a nutshell — the side cats did not come through.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 33 points, 19 boards, 2 steals, 1 block in 48 minutes

That’s EVERY minute in case you didn’t know.  Another dominating performance from the guy who received the L.O.N. M.V.P. vote.  They almost blew this one, though, despite a seemingly uninspired (except for J-Creezy) effort from the Hawks.  Seriously — Josh Smith and Joe Johnson — the Playoffs started a few days ago.  Ya’ll are invited to participate.  Special note to Josh — you are allowed to drive to the basket and utilize your insane physical gifts.

Sixth Man Of The Night:

Peja Stojakovic — 21 points, 5 boards, 1 steal

This role is filled by different guy every night from a seeming cast of thousands in Dallas.  Sometimes guys like this falter on the road, though, at least that’s what the Blazers are telling themselves.  Also, given the fact that Peja is a virtual statue at this point, why isn’t someone in his pocket out there?

RAY.  ALLEN’S.  MOM.  Fan.  Bedazzler.  Stander.  Clapper.  Marathon Runner.  STAR…  Dirk’s Dad?  Not so much… Our congrats go to Lamar Odom — the official player of L.O.N. — for his Sixth Man Of The Year award.  L.O.N. fo’ life… The Andy and Landry Shooooowww, duh, doom, doom… Love, love, love the successful K.G. post move in the clutch… Maybe the Hawks should have shot strictly from 30+ feet the whole night.  J-Creezy and Joe Johnson got it done from out there…  Are those playoff beards in Orlando?  But Dwight is only giving us the goatee?… Orlando is part of the “Unnecessary 3-Man Booth” Club.  Pat Garrity sounds very similar to Matt Goukas (who’s a pro), and adds basically nothing interesting to the conversation…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — 36 points, 8 boards, 6 assists, 2 steals

The MVP voting has already concluded, but Rose has only cemented the conventional wisdom thus far in the pre-season.  He is the Chicago offense.  Iditarod helped him out a little this game, but it was Rose driving, hitting the J, whatever the Bulls needed offensively, all game.  Impressive.

Worst Of The Night:

Somebody get that cameraman in Chicago that sprained Darren Collison’s ankle a copy of Jay-Z’s Blueprint 3.  Didn’t anybody tell him we off Timbos?  You have gotta be kidding us that a construction boot might have cost the Pacers a shot at a huge Playoff upset.  And why do all cameraman controversies have to involve the Bulls?

Worst Of The Night Part II:

Tyler Hansbrough — 6 points on 2-12 shooting

After a key performance in Game 1, Psycho T fell back to Earth, missing several open jumpers.  He was active as usual, impacting the game in the frantic way only he can, but the Pacers desperately needed a second scorer with Collison injured, and if one had materialized, we might be talking about a 1-1 series.  Game 3 will go a long way in establishing where Hansbrough fits in the playoff food chain.  Also, we blame him and his nickname for subliminally influencing Chris Webber to say “psyche” after one player’s fake.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Illadelph 76ers — 73 points vs. Miami

Jumpshot, jumpshot, jumpshot, clang, clang, clang.  Jumpshot, jumpshot, jumpshot, clang, clang, clang.  That was the Philly offense, especially in the first half.  Thaddeus Young and Evan Turner got a little loose off the bench, but that was about it.  Iguodala… what’s up, mane?  Why you gotta be so an-ti?

Plays Of The Night:

D-Wade putting young Evan Turner on skates with the crossover got the most hype, but give us that LeBron pass to Chris Bosh at the beginning of the 2nd quarter — a no look, bullet chest pass right on target.  So nasty.

Somebody owes Dick Stockton BIG, apparently.  That dude is officially senile, and still rocking the mic… Rick Adelman out as head coach of Rockets… Dang, Mike Miller.  Two thumb braces cannot be a good look for a shooter… T.J. Ford, A Love Story…  There is not much worse than the Iditarod side-to-side head roll celebration…  Where’s Baby?  Where’s  Weezy?  Ross?  Anybody other than Rony Seikaly?  Can someone please fill the gaping “NBA celebrities in the crowd coverage” hole?… Josh McRoberts needs to relax on all that goofy juice…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 33 points, 14 assists, 7 boards, 4 steals

He played Pau Gasol and the entire Lakers D like a fiddle down the stretch.  One largely overlooked aspect of the recent “clutch” debate is that Paul is underrated in regards to clutch play.  He showed just how good he is in that phase of the game on Sunday, in a major way.  Kobe didn’t get a chance to add to his side of the argument one way or the other, as the Lakers were essentially already out of it in the final minutes.  However, he did show reason #4080 why he should not take those ridiculous double-teamed hero fadeaway jumpshots — he might get injured by the crowd (Yeah, we know he made it.  Irrelevant.  #resultsainteverything).

Line Of The Night Honorable Mention:

Derrick Rose — 39 points, 6 assists, 6 boards, 3 blocks, 1 steal

Right when it seemed like the Pacers were almost young, dumb and just not giving a whut enough to pull this thing out, they showed that they were too young, too dumb and too not giving a whut.  They scored 1 point in the last 3-and-a-half minutes, and Rose brought that thang home.  Slow down son, you’re killin’ ‘em!

Worst Of The Night:

ESPN/ABC’s Playoffs music intro — We are not linking too it because we like our readers.  A Led Zeppelin cover band?  Nicole Scherzinger?  Huh?  C’mon ABC/ESPN.  There are more MC’s than dollars in the US deficit spitting NBA lyrics in their bars, and ya’ll still have not embraced Hip-Hop?  Disgraceful.

Near Ice Cube AKA Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 10 points, 9 assists, 9 boards

Nice line, but we want is more of Ray Allen’s mom.  Ray Allen’s mom introduced with the starting lineups.  Cuts to Ray Allen’s mom after every one of his 3’s.  Ray Allen’s mom interviews at the end of every quarter.  Ray Allen’s mom interviewing HERSELF at the end of every quarter.  RAY.  ALLEN’S.  MOM!!!!!!
Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 46 points, 19 boards, 1 block, 1 assist

Gooooood lawd!  As good as he was, that is how bad his teammates (not named Jameer Nelson) were, on offense.  And these aren’t playoff newbies.  We are talking Hedo.  Jason Richardson.  Gilbert Arenas.  The list goes on.  Those guys won’t be as bad next game, but Howard probably won’t be as good, either.  The Hawks have at least established that they are not going out like they did last year.  No brooms here.

Near Beast Of The Night II:

Marcus Camby — 18 boards, 5 assists, 4 points, 2 blocks

Everybody’s upset pick ended up being one of the few series that held form during the opening weekend, despite Camby doing his thing.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Allow me to re-introduce myself, my name is STAT/
S-T-A-T/
I used to dunk oops Steve Nash threw me/
I guess even back then you could call me/
Top chef of the breakfast club, STAT!/
Straight out of N-Y into the playoff fire/
I be the, Knicks #1 breakfast supplier/
Greasier than the plate of breakfast on my tray/
I got the smallest Boston O’Neal yelling my name/
That’s right, STAT/
Not D-O-C, but similar to them letters, no one can do it better/
I serve eggs and bacon like a struggling actress/
My homey ‘Melo told J-O, dude EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!
So that’s what you’re gonna do/
Take it back to Grover get his approval/
Fast forward to clean plate removal/
Let me tell you what I do to C’s old as pops/
Dunk on you cats like dunk contest props.

Injuries Of The Night:

Manu Ginobili, non-shooting elbow — This is the big one.  With the Spurs now down 0-1 to the Grizzlies, they need to get it done now.  He was begging to play Sunday, so we are betting he is out there next game as the Spurs try to even this one up.  The Spurs had Game 1 almost in the bag, got good looks, but did not knock them down.  Manu might change that up a taste.

Chauncey Billups, strained knee — The Knicks battled the C’s to the end in Game 1, but if Chauncey can’t play going forward?  Lights out.

Arron Afflalo, hamstring — The Nuggets struggled mightily in end of the game situations, and Afflalo was a guy that was starting to show signs of clutchness during the regular season.  He could have a huge impact on their series against OKC if he can get out there on the court.  Raymond Felton has the mentality of a clutch dude, just not quite the skill level required.

Shaq O’Neal, calf — Does it matter?  He had to eat his breakfast, but Jermaine O’Neal definitely came up big for the C’s in Game 1.  There is no team with a center match-up requiring Shaq’s services until a potential Finals matchup, so there is really no rush here.  Stop talking about his return as if it’s the key to end of the face tattoo scourge.

Aaron Gray, ankle — That was a nasty freeze frame.  Chris Paul named him his MVP of the Hornets’ Game 1 upset of the Lake Show, and he provides much needed size against the Lakers’ huge frontline.  If Pau Gasol keeps playing like he did, though, they probably don’t need him.  But don’t count on that.

Story Checks Out (Word To Huff & Stapes) Of The Night:

Carlos Boozer?  M.I.A. in the Playoffs.

Jarrett Jack?  Playoff baller.

Denver?  No go-to scorer in the clutch.  And it cost them Game 1.

Andre Iguodala missed a Near Triple-Double because he only managed 4 points?  That’s Jason Kidd type stuff right there… Doc’s clipboard X’s and O’s?  Game tight…  Everywhere you look there is a dang dookie on the court, this off-season.  Danny Green, stand up… Not sure how informative or useful it is, but give us more of Kenny Smith standing in front of that life-size telestrator, becoming part of the replay… Monty Williams tie off, and it’s on to the next… Has Roy Hibbert shown enough to get Hakeem’s cellphone number for a little summer workout session action?…  Honorable mention Eat Your Breakfast goes to Nene on Ibaka.  Ibaka had sent back to me many other orders throughout the game to get on him to hard, though… Best believe the L.O.N. offices will have the Tyler Hansbrough steal/dunk “Champion Of The World!!!” celebration looped on the office big screen once we can get our hands on video that does it justice.  This is all we have so far… Hey, Frank Vogel — TIMEOUT!!!!… Hey, Nic Batum — PASS THE BALL!!!!… Hey, refs — STOP CALLING SO MANY FOULS!!!…

The NBA.  It’s Fan-tastic.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 28 points, 11 assists,  6 boards, 5 steals, 1 All-Star MVP award

In a game usually defined by offense, it was the defense of D-Wade and Bron that made them the stars of the game, mostly because of the offense to which it led.  The two racked up 9 total steals which led to about 9 (or more?  ANYTHIING is possible in an All-Star game) amazing break-away dunks.  The two had very similar games — easily the most highlightest of the highlighters — but Wade just barely edged out The King statistically, not to mention he completed the All-Star game staple “off glass to your self oop dunk”, to take down the MVP award.  Do not worry, LeBron fans, he will be in contention for the MVP award year-after-year.  His game — and more importantly his personality — is tailor made for this event.  He balls out and has a lot of fun doing it — see his “taunting” of Melo, his back-and-forth with Jason Kidd, and becoming the official “King Of The Two-Handed Reverse Dunk”.

Game Of The Night AKA The Long Arm Of Stan Van Gundy Of The Night:

East 141, West 139

What a game!  The ultimate NBA showcase ended up including just about everything for which a fan could hope.  There was the absolute spectacle of Cowboy Stadium, amazing plays from amazing stars, and a competitive game amongst the world’s greatest athletes.

However, it got off to a very unfamiliar start.  The typical script looks like this — wild and somewhat out-of-control running and gunning for the first half or so, then if the game is still close, settling in to more half-court ball to determine a winner.  But not this year.  Maybe it was the Stan Van Gundy factor (who must have set a record for most timeouts called in an All-Star game) or maybe it was the “wonderment” factor with players entranced by their epic surroundings, or maybe he was all the first-time All-Stars, but right away this was a hard fought game.  There were set plays.  There were lots of fouls called.  There was a back-and-forth battle in the post between Dwight Howard and Pau Gasol.  It was probably not until the 3rd quarter until things really opened up.

That is not to say there was not a lot of fun.  There were a ton of spectacular alley oops (best oop passer for the game?  Rondo.  Best finisher?  Probably Dwight Howard on a spectacular reach-back one-handed finish in the third quarter), and surprisingly few failed alley oops.  And of course, there were just plain fun individual sequences:  Dwight Howard shooting (and making 1) a couple 3’s after which we were half-surprised Van Gundy did not stop the game and yank him!,  Howard grabbing a rebound and going coast-to-coast for the slam,  LeBron’s previously detailed shenanigans, D-Wade’s own aerial show, and CHRIS KAMAN IN THE HOUSE!!!

In the final quarter, it looked like maybe the West was falling into the same trap the Sophomores did on Friday night with their size becoming an obstacle in keeping up with the speed of the East, but then Chauncey Billups decided it was not over.  He shot them right back into it, and we had a “barn barner” (word to Charles Barkley) on our hands.

The end game?  Well, let’s just say it was disappointing.  Several bonehead fouls (just how long did you party on Saturday night, Deron?) and poor execution rounded the game out before hometown hero Chris Bosh iced it for the East with two free throws.  All-in-all, though, it was a great show.

Other game notes:  Hopefully this was the first of many All-Star appearances for Rajon Rondo.  He might have had the highest excitement-per-minute ratio of anyone…  Sorry, but David Lee was exposed.  He is not All-Star caliber, no matter what kind of D’Antoni-inflated stats he can put up…  It is weird, we know, but wasn’t it hard to tell the difference between Chris Kaman and Jason Kidd when they were on the court at the same time?… Derrick Rose definitely did not wilt under the big lights.  He did not find much success, but he was definitely not shy out there… If LeBron was holding a personal try out in the last two minutes to find his next big man teammate, Chris Bosh probably failed by botching an easy oop, and Amar’e might have one himself a spot by locking LeBron up on D… Come on George Karl.  You promise us the 4 point guard lineup, and you don’t deliver?…

Beast Of The Night:

DeJuan Blair — 23 boards, 22 points, 4 assists, 1 unofficial Rookie Challenge MVP award

Tyreke Evans officially won the MVP award but in the face of arena-wide “M-V-P!” chants for Blair, he graciously shared the award with his big fella.  Only a Spur would and could dirty-work his way to stealing the show in an All-Star game.  He did manage to add a little glitz to the show, though.  At one point, right on the heels of the announcers discussing his missing his ACLs, he pulled off a couple classic All-Star moves.  First, he executed a sick breakaway self-pass-off-the-backboard dunk, and then immediately followed that with the always fun “big man clanged 3-pointer”.

The quartet of Evans, Blair, Brandon Jennings and James Harden led the Rookies to a win, marking the first time since 2002 that the Sophomores lost.  Russell Westbrook — who went for a game-high 40, 6 points shy of his teammate Kevin Durant’s record of 46 in this game — seemed like he was leading the Sophs to a second half comeback, but they never figured out how to stop the smaller and quicker (AKA more All-Star ready) Rooks.

Worst Of The Night:

How do you get a trainwreck going in the right direction?  Try this:  1)  Setup a cow-roping game as a gimmick, court-side at an NBA All-Star event.  2)  Have the first participant be Chris Paul… on crutches!?!?!?  What????  3)  Have the first celebrity introduced be… oh?  what’s that?  You have no celebrities in the Celebrity Game?  Check.  Train officially wrecked.

This thing is brutal.  While it’s always been ridiculous, an event like this does have slight potential to be entertaining, and actually used to be — remember when Chris Brown dunked on Bow Wow (okay, not quite, but that’s how myths grow)?  ESPN has taken this event and absolutely run it into the ground.  Bad celebs, bad basketball, bad announcing (Mark Jones quotes:  1) “Common’s one of the best R&B acts going” 2)  “Terrence J, one of the top video jocks in the country” — could you sound any more out of touch?  And that’s your “hip” announcer”?), bad jokes, rigged MVP award.  A-W-F-U-L.

Only two things happened that gave this redeeming value:  1)  Seeing Jon Barry STEAMING after taking a bucket of water to the face.  If he would just let it go and take Mike Breen out… let’s just say there would be no complaints from L.O.N. if both of those guys were never on TV again.  2)  Common, delayed by weather, entering the game ala Derek Fisher and balling.  He was the obvious MVP, but Remi won it as part of some lame promotional storyline ESPN was trying to play up.
H.O.R.S.E. Of The Night:

Kevin Durant successfully defended his title — this time actually receiving a LEGIT trophy — in a contest that is still going through some growing pains.  On the positive side, at least this thing was moved onto a real court, and given more of an overall sense of legitimacy.  The main problem though, is that the TNT guys seemed to be the stars of the show, when it should be about the players.  We need some personalities in this thing — either guys already familiar with each other, or guys with out-sized personalities.  So next year, maybe bring in Russell Westbrook and Brandon Jennings to challenge KD?  Also, the guys need to do at least a little prep work and thought about their shots.  Creativity was a little low.  We did like the fan-submitted shot, so maybe there is potential to integrate that more.  Finally, the end-game was a complete debacle.  So you are telling us that in order to save time, you are going to have PROFESSIONAL SHOOTERS repeatedly fire from the same spot, shot after shot?  That being said, it was still surprising how well Rondo shot.  Now the Ray Allen trade rumors make more sense, as it seems Danny Ainge has somehow stolen Allen’s soul and noetically infused it into Rondo’s body… so teams will actually be receiving Zombie Allen, should they complete a trade.  All-in-all it was a good show, though, and should only get better with a few tweaks.

Other notes:  Now if Omri Casspi had required the other two to duplicate his shooting form on each shot, he might have run away with the thing… Barley was sweating like a H.O.R.S.E. up in there… Can’t believe KD let the ref talk about his momma like that:  “Okay, behind your mom”…

All-Star Saturday Night — The Opening Acts Of The Night:

We are self-admitted All-Star junkies.  We LOVE the Skills Challenge.  We LOVE the Shooting Stars.  Yes, we have never met anyone that shares these feelings with us… so we can’t even join a support group!  Skills Challenge Anonymous, are you out there?

The best part about Shooting Stars this year?  No Derek Fisher.  He’s the L.O.N. anti-christ and we take a definite less-is-more attitude with him.  We did not like the idea of mixing — and even completely fudging (a current NY Liberty playing on team Sacto?) –  teams to complete the squads this year though.  Clippers and Lakers working together for the good of mankind?  Rockets and Mavs and Silver Stars all on the same squad (although the more Becky Hammon, the better)?  It worked out from a competitive standpoint though, as supersquads were created.  The LA and Texas squads were beasts.  LA’s slight weak link — Pau Gasol from 3 — was eventually exposed, as the Texas team took down the title behind the shooting of Dirk, Kenny Smith and Hammon.

Wow, looks like there is more to say about the Shooting Stars than the Skills Challenge?  Basically Steve Nash, almost effortlessly, showed the young fellas how to do this thing, with a couple near-perfect runs.  Deron Williams gave him a run for his money, but had a major hiccup at one of the passing stations to derail his hopes.   In the first round, Brandon Jennings had a similar performance, looking like he was about to set the record, before getting murdered at the long-range pass station.  If he locks that one down, the title may be his next year.

Here is all you need to know about the 3-Point Contest — Darrell Dawkins’ silk Japanese kimono-style suit coat!  Okay, not really, but that thing had to get some L.O.N. shine.  This thing turned out to be a pretty good battle, but the announcers had everyone confused by saying Paul Pierce and Chauncey Billups were in a shootout to reach 2nd round, when in actuality, Pierce, Billups and Stephen Curry were all advanced to the 2nd round.  So when Peezy started wildly celebrating with KG, we thought it was strange that he was doing that before his final shooting round.  Then we figured out he won the thing… then were equally confused when he declared himself “one of the greatest shooters ever”.  Dazed by the suit coat, confused by the events thereafter.

All-Star Saturday Night — The Main Event Of The Night:

Ya’ll can dwell on the wackness if you want, but we will just focus on the dopeness.  Word to Jonathan Levine.  In our opinion, DeMar Derozan was robbed… or maybe he robbed himself?  His first three dunks were pretty sick — especially the off the side of the backboard joint — but his last dunk was weak — a non-challenging running windmill.  Basically, if he had ended on a higher note, he probably takes down the title.  And he promised a Michael Jackson Thriller tribute… where did that go?  That could have provided some much needed theater.  Either way, we hope DeMar is back next year.  Nate Robinson’s dunks were nice when viewed in and of themselves, but his problem was his past theatrics.  He simply did not live up to them.  If this had been the first time we saw the little guy throw them thangs down?  NASTY.  But he has done better in the past.  Congrats to the 3-time champ, though.

So everyone calm down.  Sure, it was a down year, but this thing will be back.  It’s all about finding the right person, at the right time, so a little bit of luck will always be involved.  Maybe it will be the inclusion of some hungry-ass D-Leaguer or college guy, or maybe even a current NBAer we are not even thinking about.

Chuckisms Of The Night:

“Why don’t we put a deer in the dunk contest, then?”

Responding to Kenny Smith’s repeated declaration that athletes win dunk contests.  And this whole time, we thought day laborers won dunk contests.

“When one of your friends shows up white when he’s a black, I mean you gotta take that personally, don’t you?”

Speaking on Sammy Sosa.  Hilarious.

While Cheryl MIller was announcing the winner of the Dunk In, in, let’s just say, a very exuberant manner, Barkley started to talk, not realizing he was on the mic.  He did not finish his thought, but we are pretty sure he was about to clown Cheryl.  The Chuckster’s Manifest Destiny was almost complete.

Finally, during the All-Star game pre-game show, he let Ernie, Mark Cuban and David Stern for talking so much about the upcoming labor negotiations.  Tell ‘em why you mad, Chuck!

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Hey Gallo, so you liked that Israeli Salad I served you up a few days ago?  Well, how about some labneh, borekas and a halvah sampler this time?  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST AND PAY FOR THE SINS OF MUSSOLINI!

Announce-In Of The Night:

Forget the boooorrrrrrr-iinng Dunk-In during the Rookie Challange, how about the “Announce-In” betwen Dwight Howard, Nate Robinson and Pau Gasol — all guest announcers during the game.  Howard started off as a seeming natural — he has announcer-talk down pat, and provides comic relief with his impersonations (he did Stan Van Gundy and Barkley) and nicknames (calling James Harden Mose and describing one of his made 3’s as “parting the net”).  However, he ended up sounding like a video game announcer with VERY limited recorded phrases, repeating the same things over and over and over and over again.  Then Robinson (our winner) got on the M-I-C and really brought the players perspective with some good Xs-and-Os talk and specific insight on players.  Pau was good too though, especially describing the specifics of day-to-day life playing as a European pro and the differences in high school level ball and players.

Trade Of The Night:

Dallas gets:

Caron Butler
Brendan Haywood
DeShawn Stevenson
Cash

Washington gets:

Josh Howard
Drew Gooden
Quinton Ross
James Singleton

Pretty easy to break this down.  Dallas gets tougher and deeper for the stretch run, and the Wizards start their second firesale of the past 10 years.  We do not know if this is enough to position the Mavs as a clear challenger to the Lake Show, but it sure looks nice on paper.  Haywood gives you outstanding interior D, as well as the ol’ Carolina championship good luck charm that so many NBA teams have utilized in the past.  Tough Juice gives you another clutch player that can create their own shot.

Terry Lewis and Jimmy Jam ARE All-Star Weekend… Rick Fox and Nancy Lieberman = unstoppable tandem…  DRIZZY!  ESPN put him on the track, but didn’t let him sing the hook!  Use your stars, ESPN!… Terrence J should be banned from life…  Just when you thought it was not possible, Craig Sager next-leveled it during the Rookie Challenge with that carpet/curtain/upholstery/wallpaper combo suit…  Ricky Rubio’s name came up during the Rookie game, and damn — regardless of how good he is night in and night out, he is going to be INSANE in the Rookie Game… Chris Kaman IS All-Star Weekend!… Brandon Jennings brings back the Gumby, and shockingly, Kevin McHale had never heard the term.  Robert Parish wasn’t rocking that back in the day?…  Why exactly was there a random guy at the Rookie Game, court-side, wearing a horned Viking helmet?…  Dang, Brook Lopez is even angry in All-Star games!… Dwight Howard makes the Guinness Book Of World Records for “Longest Seated Shot” — He made one sitting down from 3/4 court!… As annoying as Reggie Miller is, DAMN he tries hard.  You cannot say he doesn’t get into it.  We could not help but think it was hilarious how obsessed he was with JerryVision… Want to buy some DVDs?   Aaaeeeeeeeeee!…  If anything, Usher needs to give his PANTS more.  What’s up with all his Capris?  Leather Capris?  Really?… Was Will Ferrell in the Canadian Tenors?…  It was hilarious to us, for some reason, when the camera panned to Tim Duncan during “O Canada”, following the obvious Nash and Bosh shots… We think Kevin McHale gets some sort of residuals every time he utters the phrase “Bully ball”…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Joe Johnson — 36 points, 3 boards, 1 assist

Johnson led the Hawks to yet another win over the C’s last night, making it 3 on the year.  Although it is worth noting Boston has been far from full strength for the last two of those.  Also, while Johnson had the most points, and the better overall game, J-Creezy made several key plays down the stretch.  Hopefully those two can continue to coexist peacefully, as they form a lethal clutch combo.

Worst Of The Night:

Your day yesterday, if you are a Milwaukee Bucks fan.

First you find out Michael Redd is out for the year with a 2nd ACL tear in as many years.  Damn.  Guess it’s Brandon Jennings or bust, on the offensive side of things, now?  And once you get done feeling bad for Redd, you cannot feel good about that $18 milli he’s owed next year.  Then, just before game time, Scott Skiles had to go to the hospital with an irregular heartbeat.  Guess he was worried a little about that offense, as well.

And Detroit, we see you.  Milwaukee stole your lowlight today, but you probably will not get away with another one.

Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

LeBron James — 37 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 4 blocks, 2 steals

That’s two “nears” in a row for Bron-Bron, but this one has the G-State asterisk, of course.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

If you have ever wondered exactly what sled dogs eat before the Iditarod, now you might be able to get your answer from none other than Udonis Haslem.  Last night Carlos “Iditarod” Boozer came down the lane on a fast break, throw a little pass fake to his right, then BOOM!  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!  HAVE SOME ALASKAN HUSKY HOTCAKES!  AND WASH THAT DOWN WITH SOME MALAMUTE MUSH!  Watch out though, Mr. Haslem might be a little salty when you ask him about this topic.

NBA Not-So-Fit Of The Night:

Rasheed Wallace — Out for about a week with a foot injury.

Guess he wasn’t ready to play those big minutes, huh?  Geez, ‘Sheed, we shower you with some praise and then you do this to us.  With ‘Sheed and KG out, it’s now all about one man, and one many only:  BIG BAAAAAAAAAABY!!!!!

Twin Towers Of The Night:

Al Jefferson — 22 points, 15 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Kevin Love — 20 points, 14 boards, 2 assists

For this game only — a loss to the Nuggets — these numbers really mean nothing.  But in the grander scheme of things, seems like these ‘Wolves have something nice going on down low (word to J-Lo).  And now there are rumors these guys cannot play together and one or both may be on the trading block?  Wow, that better just be a rumor.  These guys have barely even played together!  Give them a chance!  Unless there is something going on behind the scenes to which we are not privy, seems ridiculous that either of these guys names would be mentioned in those clandestine GM phone calls.

The Raptors lost to the hapless Pacers, but Andrea Bargnani with 17 boards?  That is encouraging… A.J. Price — GUNNER… Corey Maggette is still a FT beast in obscurity out in G-State.  Last night — 17-18 from the stripe… Randolph Morris doing the Tony Yayo/Tim Thomas from the Hawks’ bench is hilarious… Defend and rebound, defend protect the paint… And one more time for posterity’s sake — BIG BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABAYYYYYY!!!!!!!

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night AKA Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

Paul Peezy — 19 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals

It was Peezy’s turn to put in a Rondo-esque all-around game, and the resulting win may prove to be the turning point of the series.

Worst Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 12 points on 10 shots

Well, at least Doug Collins must have been a little happy as he averaged more than a point a shot — the holy grail of stats for Collins.  Maybe the Magic can still rally, but their post-game comments had the feel of a team that had it’s heart torn it out.  Rashard Lewis essentially calling his teammates stupid, and then Dwight Howard was damn near Jamie Foxx on the mic, singing:  “Blame it on Dwight, blame it on the Skip, blame it on the Va-a-a-an Gun-dy.”

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Houston Rockets — 78 points vs. the Lake Show

And a 40-point shot to the dome, kid.  The Lakers arguably came out of this game looking worse than the Rockets, though.  This is, um, fairly solid proof that Game 4 was a complete and utter “mail it in” situation for the Kobettes.

6th Man Of The Night:

Starbury — 12 points, 2 assists

A rose by any other name… would smell sweeter?  Same output as Howard, and yet we are praising him?  Bottom line, Celtics go the Disney World facing an elimination game and everybody over in the Magic locker room is whistling Dixie if Starbury doesn’t keep the C’s in the game, early in the 4th quarter.  So maybe Howard should have been singing, “Blame it on the he-e-e-e-e-ead tattoo.”

James White with a little Playoff run, and it was not pretty.  0-6!!!!!!… Danny Granger wins Most Improved Player… Charles Barkley in that space helmet over the weekend was priceless… Mr. Cuban — the apology was most likely well-intentioned — although we can’t lie, it smacked of, “well shucks, I guess I really have to do this now, even though I’m not feelin’ it” — but do you really have to continue to twist the knife with the repeated “when the series comes back to Dallas” jabs?  We love you, man, but this ain’t you…